Wink at her and sit down to eat

Alice returns your wink with a smile, and sits at the picnic table. She watches you intently as you plate her food and pour her wine, then get your own. Before starting to eat, you kiss over the table and clink your wine glasses over the table.

"So..." you ask her between bites, "what brought that on?"

"Brought what on?" she asks innocently, giving you a slight wink.

"You know...deciding to go commando. You're wearing an awfully short dress for that, don't you think?"

She pensively munches a mouthful of pasta, then washes it down with a sip of wine, letting the suspense hang in the air. "...or maybe not short enough?" she says giggling.

You really don't know how to respond to that. "You don't really want everyone seeing you...do you?"

Alice smiles a little, sliding her eyes left and right flirtatiously. "There's hardly any people here to see me, you know...even so, they'd hardly get a glimpse unless they were really close."

"We could get into trouble," you point out, "there's a playground not far from here, there could have been kids around..."

Alice stops and shuffles uncomfortably. "Oh, shoot, I didn't even think about that. I just got so caught up in the moment, that...oh shit!" she suddenly yelps, standing up. She looks at her butt, down at the picnic table, then back to her butt, rubbing it.

"What's the matter, baby? Did something sting you?" you ask.

"No, I..." she rubs her butt and yelps, "ouch! I...I think I got a splinter."

You look at her, and say flatly, "...a splinter?"

"Yes, a splinter...don't look at me that way!" she says, her cheeks reddening. You cover your face with your hand, trying to hide the smile.

"...in your ass?" you say, your voice cracking. Alice looks at you, her face red as the wine she had been drinking, "it's not funny!" she sputters.

You can't help yourself, "it is a little," you say. Alice looks at you, furious you find her predicament so entertaining.

"Can we...just go home? We need to take care of this," she finally says.

"We?" you ask.

She glares at you. "I can't dig a splinter out of my own butt, can I?" This doesn't make the incident any less entertaining, and you finally start laughing. "I guess not," you say, "let's pack up and go home".

You pack up the picnic items and take the leftovers home to eat later. One awkward car ride later, you're digging a surprisingly large splinter out of her butt with a needle and tweezers, trying not to laugh at her the entire time. It actually takes a fair amount of time to get out, and she immediately goes to bed to preserve what dignity she has left.

You go to bed contemplating you spend most nights trying to stick things in Alice's ass, not getting them out.