What is and what should never be

Victoria was in the kitchen, getting started with dinner. Ashley had left to help Lisa with her bags to their room. Kurt and Heather had been done for a while, and Gavin had disappeared now too. Which only left Zack and Chloe, alone on the sofas.

Realising who she was left with, Chloe stood and made to walk from the room but Zack jumped up, standing in her way.

"Are you looking for another punch in the face?" Chloe threatened.

"No, no," Zack said, quickly taking a step back. "I just really think we need to talk about some stuff."

"Zack, I'm really not interested in trying to be convinced that you're really the good guy in all of this," Chloe sighed. "I'm just tired and this whole trip has been one huge downhill shitfest since day one."

"I know, that's why I want to talk," Zack said quickly. "Heather was right. We came here to have fun, and I realise that this trip hasn't been very enjoyable for you."

"No shit. And it's largely been your fault that it hasn't." Chloe clenched her fists. "And one apology isn't going to make me start seeing the world as brighter, happier place."

"I know. But, I do still owe you an explanation. A real explanation, not 'we didn't mean to', or something that tries to make you less angry at us." Zack sat back down on the sofa. "Because you have every right to be angry, but I think you've been taking that anger out on yourself, rather than us."

"So you're saying I _should _punch you?" Chloe said, looking down at her former friend.

"I guess, if that's what you really want. Though I'd prefer if you avoided the face. Brandon already worked it pretty well."

Chloe exhaled deeply. "You know, you take all the catharsis out of hitting something when you accept the hit."

Zack remained silent as Chloe sat down again, hanging her head, her long, straight hair hiding her face behind a wall of red.

"Why?" She sniffed, though he couldn't tell if she was actually crying. "Why did you have to make me feel something if you were just going to move on and leave me in the dirt?"

"We didn't..." Zack stopped himself before the words 'mean to' could leave his lips. Frowning , he rephrased. "I wish that I could have everything figured out at just the right time when I need it figured out. Like know what girl I want exactly when she's available and just have everything play out the way I expect."

He paused, listening to Chloe's sniffing for a moment, then continued. "Life doesn't work out like that a lot though. Sometimes you have everything set up and it seems great. You're in a gorgeous part of the country, surrounded by friends and your best friend wants to explore sex with you...and then life just throws you a curveball, and suddenly you're rethinking everything. Impossible dreams are possibilities and you have to make a decision on whether to pursue it or stand where you are."

"But you didn't have to pursue it," Chloe argued. "You didn't have to."

"I know. It was a decision I made, and it's the one I have to live with for right or for wrong. There are always going to be 'what ifs'" Zack thought aloud. "What if I choose you that day? What if we hadn't shared a room on the first day? We make these kinds of decisions every day and they have long lasting effects, but we can't get bogged down in them."

"I don't understand. How is this meant to make me feel better?" Chloe growled through her hair.

Zack shrugged. "It probably won't at all. But what I'm trying to say is that this was my decision, Chloe. I stood in front of Ashley and decided that this 'what if' was too big for me to turn away from. And that hurt you, and I'm sorry. And if you want to go around having sex with Kurt or Gavin, that's your business. But I'd hate to think you were doing it out of some midguided notion that what I did was because I didn't want you, or because you aren't beautiful."

"You just didn't want me as much as Ashley?"

"I just couldn't deny that I felt something for her." Zack frowned. "Maybe in another life time, if I felt nothing for Ashley, I could have walked away, but I did, and do, feel something for her. Something I had to explore. A 'what if' I had to follow."

"And what if I'm just if I'm just exploring 'what ifs' with Gavin and Kurt?" Chloe lifted her head, red, puffy eyes glaring at Zack.

"Then that's great. I think Gavin is in the same boat right now, honestly. You're both struggling with the feelings you have. And that's ok. It's ok to struggle with your emotions." Zack said, smiling softly. "Love doesn't always come when it's supposed to. Like I said, sometimes you think you have it all sorted out and then it hits you like a freight train right when you need it least."

Zack stood up, feeling that he'd tormented her enough, and feeling tired himself.

"I'm going to lie down for a little bit," Zack announced. "But even if we can never really be friends again, I hope you know I'm always rooting for you. I want things to work out for you."

"Is it ok that I still want to punch you?" Chloe asked.

Zack nodded. "Yeah, that's ok. I know I deserve it."

"You know you really take the fun out of hating you," Chloe called after him as the dark haired boy headed to the room he shared with Gavin.