Well he's not very handsome to look at, oh he's shaggy and he eats like a hog,and he's always killin' my chickens

The Midwest, specifically the northern Midwest is liusy with urban legends about dogmen. Yep, that’s right dogmen. And they’re exactly what that name conjures. Bipedal, five digits per limb, opposable thumbs, built like Greek gods, upwards of six feet tall, hung like a firehose… one of my exes would have called it her dream date. Course, it has the head of a Great Dane, wiry black and white fur covering its body, and a distinctly offensive aroma.

The Beast of Bray Road, the Michigan Dogman, the Defiance Werewolf, even the Minnesota Dogman; you literally can’t evade them popping up any time you look up cryptids. They’re almost a joke due to their description and the fact that every appearance has the same traits in common. They show up, menace some poor idiot, then disappear, usually in a cycle of several years. Being in their presence sets off an atavistic trauma response in most humans (fight, flee, freeze, or fuck).

And they’re all apparently Leon.

“…and that’s when I bought the horse a stripper.”

A series of sharp yips that I can only guess were his version of a giggle burst from Leon’s snout, spraying the mouthful of Dr. Pepper he was sipping through his nose and waking me from my reverie. It really was a picnic basket that Anwyn had been toting around.

“So brass tacks, you old dog. I need you to pack it all up and find somewhere to settle down. You’re getting careless in your old age.”

“Hey now, little bit, I’ve been doing this a long time. Since Caesar kicked me out of Egypt and I had to cross the damn ocean, this has been my stomping grounds.”

Yeah, he also used to be Anubis. I know. It sounded just as stupid to me.

Through all of this that ridiculous creature was edging closer and closer to Anwyn. His jovial expression and attitude were a poor mask for his obvious intentions; a sly doggy grin here, a wink there. The son of a bitch was hitting on her.

The tips of my ears started to burn, and I felt a cold hard knot forming in my guts. I found myself edging closer as well, trying to make myself look at least a little imposing. She had to see what he was up to! That mangy good for nothing ex-god was making a play for this innocent little goth girl! My innocent goth-

Oh shit!

I was jealous.

I had absolutely no right to be jealous. She wasn’t mine. She was entirely her own woman, free to do what she chose. Here I was about to throw out some toxic masculine bullshit, while she seemed to be enjoying having a conversation with an old friend. What we’d done in the past didn’t matter. She was the final arbiter of her favors.

While I was having this epiphany dog-breath had managed to get an arm around her shoulder. I watched in horror as he leaned over toward her and…

Licked the top of her head.

“Your granny made me promise to look after you, Little Bit, so even if I do take off for a while, I can’t stay away.” He gave that doggy chuckle. “Besides, I’ve yet to meet the bullet that’s actually fast enough to hit me.”

“Same old faithful hound. Leon, this isn’t just about your safety. This is about the entire community.”

“So what? I should find a place where I can settle down and not rile up the locals? You know I can’t do that. I have a schedule to keep, at least in Michigan.” He leaned in closer and set that huge doggy head on her shoulder.

“What if I had a place where you could do just that and still keep your schedule?” She scooted discretely away from him. Ok, so she isn’t falling for this. “Plenty of woods, lake side property, not that far from here so you could still make your pilgrimage to the U.P.?”

“Well, I don’t know-“

“Five to one female to male population skew and nearby packs of both wolves and canomorphs…”

His head shot up, his tongue lolling out like he was ready to do a cartoon wolf howl. “You had me at five to one. Where is this paradise of which you speak?”

“Just up the North Shore a couple hours. Place where they’re used to weird. It’s called Black Beach Bay.”

(Title: “Dirty Old Egg Suckin’ Dog” by Johnny Cash)