We Shadows

After several minutes, Lauren knocked on the bathroom door. "Sweetie? I just want to make sure you're alright."

"Not really. Pretty, fucking, far from okay." His entire body was tense, like a rubber band stretched too far and ready to break. While Eric thought Jodie was ignoring him, he was actually reaching out to people on the internet for help. Creating a new user profile on reddit he posted in several lgbt groups asking the same question repeatedly. 'Am I Gay???!!?!' he explained a little bit about his situation, leaving out certain details, like his state of dress. He told the forums how he was not attracted to any men, but for some reason found himself drawn to his roommate/best friend, how the thought of being with any other man disgusted him. He still found girls attractive and could feel the usual stirrings when he thought of a naked beauty in front of him.

"Did you maybe wanna talk? Just us?"

He had several dozen replies just flat out saying he was gay, no other response to his situation, some spelled off psychological terms he couldn't fully understand, if at all, and a handful told him something he especially didn't want to be true.

Jodie's hands slacked and unclenched his pajama bottoms, "Ok."

Lauren stepped back when the door opened to let Jodie come out. He stared at the floor not daring to look at his friends. "Come on, sweetie." Lauren put her arm around Jodie and the two walked into Lauren's room and closed the door.

The girls sat on the bed together, Jodie still avoiding her friend's eye. "So," Lauren began, "what's wrong?"

Jodie shrugged ambiguously, "I don't know."

"Hey, you know you can tell me anything. I won't judge, no matter what it is."

"Have….have you ever….liked...a girl? Like, like like." Jodie swallowed hard, as much as he did believe she wouldn't judge, finding out Jodie was a man would be a much bigger deal.

"Well...maybe. Is that the probl-"

"And, like, you, you still consider yourself straight right?"

"Pretty much." The silence grew between them as Lauren waited for Jodie to elaborate and Jodie hoped the world would implode. "Is it Tiffany?"

"What?"

"This girl you like like, is it Tiffany?" Lauren tried to sound sympathetic and supportive, but she was worried for her brother and more selfishly losing out on a great sister.

"No. I mean...she's, like totally, sweet, but no." He wished that were his issue. "I...I think I like like, Eric."

Lauren was confused.

"I…" Jodie sighed, "I've never felt….like this, for any guy. I never had a relationship like this and...I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I tell him and he just thinks I'm weird? What if we….we break up and we can't be friends anymore? I can't even sleep without him beside me anymore!" Jodie felt herself crying again, and once she started talking about everything she felt she found she couldn't stop. The responses she feared the most was the answer she already knew, she loved Eric. "He deserves so much better than a stupid freak like me."

Lauren immediately reached out and hugged her friend. Lauren wasn't entirely sure what Jodie was talking about but her friend was, simply put, afraid of losing her friend/boyfriend. "Trust me, sweetie. You will never lose Eric. He is head over heels for you. I've seen him with a lot of girls growing up and he has never looked at one of them the way he looks at you." Jodie's heart skipped a beat. Did Eric feel the same way? Why wasn't this driving him nuts? Why was he okay having sex with another man?

The girls held each other for several minutes until Jodie ran out of tears. Of all the things she was afraid of, what Jodie feared the most was Lauren being right. What happens when Jodie goes away and Jordan comes back? Do they date for real? Become his boyfriend?

"There's only one thing that matters sweetie." Lauren dabbed tissue at Jodie's tear stained eyes, "Does being with him make you happy?"

Soon Lauren stepped out of her room and sat beside her brother. "Hey, is she ok?"

"I think she's doing better. She's taking a nap on my bed." Lauren sat beside her brother on the couch. "Eric," he knew it was serious when she said her name in that tone, "how do you feel about Jodie?"

"She's amazing, every day with her is an adventure." Eric thought for a moment, ever since Jodie came into his life he had been wondering the same thing. Were his feelings new? Would he have felt the same for Jordan? The more he thought about it the more he realized he may have loved Jordan but not in the way he loved Jodie. He loved Jordan as a friend but he was in love with Jodie as the woman she is.

Eric stood to go tell Jodie exactly how he felt but Lauren scrambled over the couch and blocked the hallway with her arms spread out. "What are you doing?"

"Going to talk to her."

"She's sleeping and she's obviously dealing with a lot. I don't think now's the best time."

"Weren't you always the one saying I should be more open with my feelings?! Isn't that what you always say is why my exes would leave me? And now I want to tell her how I feel and now it's not a good time?"

"If you tell her now she won't believe you. She'll just think you're lying to make her happy."

"I'm not! I...I've never felt this way before. About anyone."

"Then why haven't you told her before?" Eric stopped, he couldn't tell Lauren the truth that up until a couple of weeks ago his girlfriend was a man...or at least that was the only way he knew her. What changed other than the clothes? He felt this way before her surgery so he knew it wasn't that.

"I don't know. Maybe...maybe it was always there and I didn't realize it until…"

"Until what?"

Until his view of Jodie had changed. She wasn't the one who had changed like he originally thought. She was still his best friend who loved music and bad movies, nothing he loved about her had actually changed. Just her wardrobe. Eric smirked and picked Lauren up as easily as he'd lift a bag of groceries and sat her back on the couch. "It doesn't matter."

"You think after all this time she's not going to want to know?"

Eric stopped for a moment, a grim look on his face, before he turned and continued walking towards Lauren's room where Jodie slept.

Jodie slowly opened her eyes, half awake, feeling Eric's hand on her face. "Hmm? Fuzzybear."

"Hey, baby. How're you feeling?"

Jodie sat up on her elbow as she watched Eric. "I'm... I'm better. Eric, I wanted to say...well…"

"I know. Me too."

Jodie's pulse raced with adrenal excitement. "Really?" Her smile threatened to split her face in half. "You mean you-"

"Yeah. I can't wait for this to be over too."

"What to be over?"

"You, pretending to be a girl." Panic seized Jodie's heart. "You can go back to being a loser and I can finally date a real girl instead.

"I thought...that we-"

Eric broke out laughing.

"What? That I would date you? And what? Get married in your pretty white dress you've been dreaming of?"

"No I-"

"Did you steal it from me?" Eric had suddenly shifted into his mother. "You stole everything else you could get your grubby little hands on."

"No!"

"Don't deny it, how many times did I catch you in my purse?"

"I'm sorry, momma. I-"

"You should be apologizing to me boy." His father sat at the end of Lauren's bed and lit a cigarette in the darkened room. "If you told me you were some kinda fag I would've put you out of your misery long ago."

"I'm not!"

"Is that why you always followed him around like a lost little puppy?"

"It wasn't like that! We were friends!"

"Even your own mother didn't want a little junkie like you." his mother seethed with hate, "Why would anyone else?!" Jodie tried to speak but found she couldn't breathe, "Let the boy have a real girl. Not some fruit like you." Was the last he heard from his father before he was suddenly jolted awake, Eric sat beside him on the bed.

"Jodie? Are you okay?" Jodie bolted upright and flung his arms around the real Eric. His Eric. "Jesus, baby you're sweating. Do you have a fever?" Jodie shook his head, still nuzzling his trembling form into Eric's neck. "Bad dream?" He nodded just as silently and still held tightly to Eric. "It's ok. You're safe now." Eric whispered as he gently rubbed Jodie's back. Eric relented and had to admit, to himself at least, that maybe Lauren was right. Now was not the moment to tell Jodie he loved her. "Do you want to come to bed?"