We’ve got nothing better to do than watch TV and drink a couple of brews.

The commercial ends, and the long shot of that comfortable skyline apartment slowly zooms in on Trent’s disturbingly handsome features. Seated across from him is Heidi, lounging casually on the couch in an all white ensemble of tank top and yoga pants.

“And we’re back! As I said before the break, we have our newest host with us tonight, here to answer a few viewer questions, so let’s give a big Hotel Talk welcome to the hostess of Harem Hotel: Alpine Chalet… Heidi!”

The literal captive audience strains against the shackles binding them to their seats in an effort to either applaud or escape (and in several cases both) and let up a cacophonous combination of cheers, groans, and ecstatic moans.

Trent lets the hubbub die down before turning his attention to his guest.

“Hey, Heidi. Thanks for joining us on Hotel Talk! We know you’ve got your hands full, what with this being your first hosting gig, so we couldn’t be happier that you decided to give us some of your time.”

Heidi’s usual pleasant demeanor is very much in evidence as she replies. “It’s an honor, Trent. I know that I’m still pretty new to this but I’m feeling very confident.”

Trent chuckles, and the camera zooms on him as he raises an ironic eyebrow. He turns back to Heidi. “Well, we have a few questions for you, so any objections to us getting right down to it?”

Heidi dimples prettily. “Fire away!”

“Well, first off there’s been some speculation as to why your series has done away with the point system. Can you give us some background on that?”

Heidi laughs. “Dahling, that wasn’t my decision. The Producers were curious about streamlining the process and are using my show to test out a new fast track variation to use for off-season.”

“Fascinating! Moving on, you mentioned that the chalet wasn’t exactly your first choice for a venue…”

“That’s true, and it’s actually a little embarrassing. I originally wanted a mansion and golf course in Palm Beach, but The Producers vetoed the idea because the owner has some sort of deal with the Master on our celebrity show.”

“A deal?”

Heidi flushes. “Really, you’d have to ask Skylar about that.”

“So what made you settle on a ski resort? Aren’t you worried about Yuki trying to come after you for ripping off her venue?”

The hostess chuckles, “Really, Trent, Yuki’s a big teddy bear! I don’t know why everyone’s so afraid of her.”

“But why the ski resort?”

The blonde sighs heavily. “Well, we were getting down to crunch time for a venue so I pulled the resort from Bob’s childhood. Some of his happiest memories are of going skiing with his family. So I just picked and chose from that Pennsylvania resort’s history and used the pieces to build my Chalet.”

Trent nods approvingly. “You picked a pretty plain name for you run…”

“I just thought ‘Harem Hotel: Second Chances’ was a little too on the nose.”

With a grin the interviewer continues on. “That kind of brings us to the next point. Some viewers have commented that you actually seem to be… nice to the contestants.” His pronunciation of the ‘n’ word is the same that a normal or sane being would reserve for disgusting words like ‘moist’ or ‘Trump’. “What’s that all about?”

Heidi’s smile is cold, almost predatory. “It’s a tradition to give the condemned a last meal.”

“And by the same token you also seem to be taking a much less active role in your show than most of your colleagues.”

“So far they’ve given us some good television and very little trouble. I’d prefer to let things develop organically for as long as I can.”

“Interesting.” Trent’s thousand watt smile causes a little bit of lens flare. “Now I for one have a question about your staff. You affect a Swiss persona, and the layout of your resort is Bavarian. Why are you using Icelandic folktales to staff the place?”

“Simple answer? They were cheap because almost no one believes in them anymore. They’re a bunch of seriously unpleasant fucks, so it’s really no wonder. But for a longer answer, most of the Germanic folk characters were really too busy with the winter season upon us. Krampus was actually my choice as a co-host but he’s booked clear through to May.”

“So this is your first run as a full host. Do you have any plans for your second season?”

“Isn’t it a little early for speculation about that, Trent? But yes, I do have a few ideas. I know the cruise ship has already been taken, but no one’s tried out a certain mouse-based theme park. I think that would be fun.”

“Speaking of mice, we keep hearing about a cat…”

Heidi grins coyly. “Oh, you’ll just have to keep watching for that. A girl should never give away all her secrets.”

Trent turns back to the camera. “Well folks, that’s our time with Heidi. Be sure to keep sending us your questions. When we come back we’ll be visiting another Heidi. Ms. Fleiss will be telling us about her time as a contestant, as a continuation of our retrospective on the first Master of Harem Hotel, ‘The Rise and Fall of Charlie Sheen’.” The camera pans back. Cut to commercial.

(Title: ‘TV Party’ by Black Flag)

(AN: so seriously… send me your questions.)