WTF?

A split second after the initial SMASH you all hear something hit the front of the house...hard!

CRASH!

You, your mother and Fiona look at each other in confusion. What the hell was that?

A moment later something akin to a fog horn roars through the house and the neighborhood.

HWONNNNNKKK!!! HWONNNNNKKKK!!!

Had a semi truck parked in your driveway? That would be difficult as your mother had the SUV there last you saw last night.

The three of you scramble for the front door to see what was happening out there.

HWONNNNNKKK!!!

Before you even make it outside you can hear one of your neighbors yelling. "What the hell is going on over there!?"

As you open the door you hear your Cousin Chloe yell back. "You're just jealous old man!"

As you dash outside...you see...

...you see...

...

...

...

...

...

An enormous fucking car! Old, from the time of land yachts, from a time of tail fins, from a time when gas mileage was a quaint notion. A bright red gleaming convertible, it looked like it was a city block long and half a block wide! The two and a half ton behemoth looked like it should have it's own area code. It's ass end stuck out onto the street but it was parked right up onto your front yard. You see garbage and recycling scattered all across your yard. Your garbage bin lay on its side by the front door. It was this that had struck the house.

The vanity license plate on the front of this cherry red giant read in bold letters: HUNG!

Chloe stood up on top of it. One foot planted on the top of the driver's seat headrest and the other on the top frame of the windshield. When she sees you she throws her arms up and cheers.

"Ha ha! There he is! There's my big cocked cousin Jesse!" She turns to your neighbor who was still glowering at her from his stoop. "Hey old man, my cousin Jesse's got the biggest wang in town! What do you think about that!? Huh?"

He shakes his head, gives your mother a dirty look, and retreats back inside to escape your insane cousin's attention.

"And now he's got the biggest car too!" She crows. She leaps onto the hood, runs across it's impressive length and launches herself from the front straight at you! You are **** to catch her in your arms.

Whomp!

Your sore muscles scream in protest but thankfully Chloe is a slip of a woman and you are able to hold her. She throws her arms around your neck and hugs you tight. "Mom told me I hurt your feelings. I am SO sorry Cousin. You're the best Jesse! I'd never hurt you! Never, never, never, never, never!"

She kisses you over and over and over again.

You stood there. Like your mother and sister you were just stunned. You couldn't believe your eyes.

"What...the...fuck...is this?" You finally manage.

"It's yours! 1970 Cadillac Eldorado convertible. It's got a V8 and like a million horse power. Should hear this bitch roar!" She kisses you again and again. "Now everyone will know what a virile manly man you are Jesse! You will be cock of the walk! King of the hill! Ha ha ha!"

"Oh my god Chloe! Look at the mess you made!" Your mother exclaims. "You aren't even supposed to be driving, are you? Oh my god...oh my god..." Your mother hurries to grab the garbage can and starts to pick up some of the mess that had exploded across the yard. The vehicle didn't have a scratch on it, you suspected it was probably built like a tank.

"Do you like it?" Chloe beams. She was still in your arms, her arms still around your neck.

"Uhhhh...."

You look at the enormous Caddie. It sat there shining in the morning sun. Your mother scampers this way and that as she tries to catch stray papers that were starting to get picked up by the morning breeze and float away.

"Someone help!" Your mother calls as she chases after a stray dryer sheet. "Don't just stand there! Help me!"

Beside you...you hear a low quiet repetitive hu, hu, hu, hu.

After a moment you realize it was your big sister. Her shoulders were heaving, her stomach flexing again and again. She was laughing! Not the sneering jeering laugh you were used to. Not a laugh because she got one over on someone. An honest to goodness belly laugh. The absurdity of the situation getting the better of her.

You look over and see a big mirthful grin across your sister's pretty face. A look you hadn't seen on her in a very long time.

"Ha ha ha ha!" She laughs, holding her gut with one hand and covering her face with the other. "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Chloe takes offense. "What are you laughing at? It's twice the size of your little Honda! It's a MAN'S car!"

"Would you guys help! ACK!" Your mother stops in her tracks as she looks into the neighbors yard. A torn open trash bag had landed in a flower garden. "Oh my god! Look at what you've done to Mr. Patterson's begonias!!!"

"Sorry Aunt Helen!" Chloe calls from your arms.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Fiona leans down and puts her hands on her knees. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" Her eyes are tight shut, tears of laughter at their edges.

You cannot help but start chuckling yourself. This in turn gets Chloe laughing, though she didn't know why.

"He he he...what's so funny?" She giggles. "He he he he he!"

The three of you stand there at the front of the house, your mother wailing and scrambling this way and that trying to clean up the mess Chloe had made, and look at the gift your cousin had brought you.

You laugh and you laugh and you laugh.