Upgrades

A choice screen hovers in your vision, and you can't seem to dismiss it. MONSTER EVOLUTION, it says. Choose an upgrade for: Massive Slime.

Antimagic Slime (rare). Ignore all magic that costs less than your mana reserve.
Big Massive Slime (default). You like slime? This is slime, but more. So much more.
Fuckslime. Bring women pleasure at your merest touch.
Multislime. Gain the mitosis power. You can be up to four slimes at once; any further are treated as children.
Slime Supreme. 10x stats per level. 10x experience cost per level.
Slime Girl. You can collect your body into a humanoid shape. Dicks optional.
Slime Mage. Improved magic power and mana reserves. Find a mana node and start absorbing!
Tiny Slime. You can collect your body into a one-inch sphere, good for concealment. If you dismiss this power and rapidly expand, nearby targets take physical damage proportional to your hp.

Ugh. Too many choices. At the bottom of the screen you find an arrow, and you mentally poke at that. Is there a next page?

The next page seems to be your ranger class evolution, which is pleasingly vanilla.

Melee Ranger (T3). Deal double damage with melee attacks when attacking your favored enemy.
Ranged Ranger (T3). Deal double damage with ranged attacks when attacking your favored enemy.
Research Ranger (T3). Know twice as much about your favored enemy. Improves your skill at intuiting useful information from their expressions.
Sexy Ranger (T3). Double your skill at sex checks against your favored enemy.
Social Ranger (T3). Double your skill at social checks against your favored enemy.

This one is easy. If you ever get into a straight-up fight with the Light Heroes, you're going to lose; if you ever get into sex with them, you're already going to win. Research Ranger is a bit tempting, but your only real hope of beating the light heroes is the social route. You select Social Ranger and move on.

The next page seems to be Priest class options, which is startling because you hadn't realized you were a priest. Apparently you are?

There's only one option, though:

Booty Caller of Carnachias (T2). You learn the true name of the Dark Goddess Carnachias. You can summon her into a mortal body (100M mana) and **** her just as roughly as she craves.

What?

What?

Your hindbrain nudges forward a quest. Quest: summon and tame the Dark Goddess Carnachias [9Bxp].

This seems like a good thing to double check. You think very hard: <<O Great Carnachias! Dirty of mind! Bounteous of bosom! Can you hear me?>>

It's just a few seconds before her voice speaks into your mind:

Oh, hey! Found the prayer interface, did you? How's Northhold coming? What do you need?

<<Hey, can you look at my priest class upgrades? Something seems weird. It's not that I don't appreciate the offer, but if you want me to win a war for you, I'm going to need something more immediately useful.>>

What's this? You're a Priest already? I thought you went Ranger! Oh! Heh. I guess you earned my favor last night, when I wasn't reading my notifications. Hang on, I'll get that for you.

Fuck.

FUCK FUKKIN FUCK

You watch as your interface flickers. The "Booty Caller of Carnachias" upgrade vanishes, then reappears. It vanishes again, then reappears with a new line. "Note: This class upgrade cannot be deleted once offered."

Fuck. Listen. There's some stuff in the skill system that I didn't expect anyone to find. I'm not sure what I did last night but I think you may have met some qualifications.

Okay. Okay. Hold on. Don't panic. I'll fix this for you.

Your interface flickers again. New options appear, one after another.

Distiller of Love (L60): Your power over lust continues to grow. Your potions ignore 25% of debuff resistance and treat debuff immunity as 90% resistance. After experiencing a debuff once, you know how to brew a potion to replicate it. Orgasms involving you generate +4400% mana, +1000% experience, and +830% divine mana for your patron goddess.

Herald of Darkness (L50): Your Darkstorm spell gains +2000% radius and +750% damage, and its duration is unlimited as long as you continue channeling. You may choose to cast this in a way that exempts anyone who has had an orgasm today from the damage and hallucinations.

Deep Cover Infiltrator (L50): You are immune to most divination magic. +300% to checks to appear trustworthy outside of combat. +300% to social checks and damage rolls against anyone you have given an orgasm in the past week.

As you watch, "Booty Caller of Carnachias" edits its description to read:

Boring Priest Upgrade: Doesn't do anything useful. Nothing to see here, move along. Note: This class upgrade cannot be deleted once offered.

You pray once more. <<O Great Carnachias! Infallible in wisdom! Wet of cunt! Are you sure these are for me?>>

It's fine. I borrowed these from elsewhere, but nobody will miss them today, and I'll have replacements by tomorrow. Normal Priest L60 milestones are bigger than Hero Priest T2, so you'll have a bit of soul-strain, but gain a few levels and it'll fit just fine. Go ahead and choose.

Your goddess's voice sounds distinctly nervous in your mind.

You think about this one for a moment. The AoE damage isn't your style, and "Boring Priest Upgrade" sounds like something to save for when you have a hundred million mana and something to spend nine billion experience on. The other two choices are harder.

Ignoring debuff immunity sounds super useful in the late game, but checks to seem trustworthy will be useful right now. On the other hand, you're getting the feeling these are other people's upgrades, and you might not get offered them again. Can you pass up the alchemist power for the social power that's good right now?

You can, actually. You choose Deep Cover Infiltrator and page back to the slime upgrades.

Did you choose it? your goddess's voice echoes in your mind.

<<What?>> you pray back. <<The boring upgrade? Carnachias. Darling. You know I'm never boring.>>

Good, her voice echoes back. It's going to keep popping up, but you can just... keep not choosing it. Yeah?

<<No promises, babe>>, you pray back.

With that resolved, you need to actually choose your monster evolution.

Several options seem good. Slime Supreme takes good advantage of your experience supply. Antimagic Slime seems like a great defensive power. Even very powerful casters probably don't put too much mana into individual spells, except for the occasional feed-your-whole-mana-pool-into-it hyperbeam. Tiny Slime gives stealth, which could be valuable soon. But the key upgrade for right now is Multislime. You can be so much more daring if you're not worried about an overpowered hero one-shotting you to ****.

You make your last choice, and the upgrade window melts away.