To give in.

and as difficult to fathom as it may be, you can't help but steer yourself in that direction. you can't resist betraying yourself, degrading yourself more completely, even to the extent of putting off the men with milder inclinations in favor of the sickest, most dangerous and sadistic perverts you can find.

so now your reputation takes another plunge: you have alienated the last of those who speak for the BDSM crowd, you will nevermore be considered a "safe and sane play partner".

now only strange European men will deign to contact you: the angry, sophisticated psychopaths of a former age.

and this new crowd is different: they are tougher, more intelligent, and their misogyny is more ingrained. they will encourage you to think of yourself as a dirty pig, a canine bitch in heat, a lactating milk cow. they will encourage you to submit in ways that you had never thought of. they will have you peeing in public, fucking animals on film, smearing poop on your breasts.

and they will mock your body continuously, exaggerating every flaw and making your best features feel like faults: your "slutty" big tits, your "fat and nasty" ass, your "putrid", "swampy" twat.

and they will make you admit you are stupid constantly, and not only stupid but verging on retarded. and they will really make you believe it.

and of course they have discovered that your whole, messed up situation is exclusively your own fault. because obviously you sought it out, you set it into motion, you are the one who wanted and desired everything that is happening to you now.

and you can easily feel the truth in this perspective. they are smart and articulate, and you are really just a bimbo at best. you can't read a page of one of their fancy, serious books. you are uneducated, female, American, and you probably have a learning disability. compared to them you are basically a barn animal.

so you come to believe everything they say. their arguments are solid, and aren't they just encouraging you to take responsibility for your own life? how can that be bad?

because even though you didn't map out a path to this outcome, even though you were sucked into various rabbit-holes along the way, and pushed here and there by mean-spirited men, you are ultimately responsible for your own fate. it was you who gave in to your own perverse urges, you who succumbed to your neediness, you who invited this chaos willingly into your life.

so what is it that you want now? and for the first time, you are asking this question of yourself seriously. what do you want?