There's a reckless feeling in your heart as you head out tonight

“Sorry, having to make you come with me,” Vivian apologized to Kim as the two girls got off the elevator with Dawn in tow. “It’ll take us twice as long because we have to go to the same room.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kim muttered. She waited until Dawn went to her room, then turned to Vivian. “And you don’t need to keep apologizing all the time.”

“Eh?” Vivian looked at her in surprise. “Oh, sorry… …No, wait-!”

Kim held up her hand to stop the other girl before she could dig herself into an even deeper hole. “No, Vivian, really, it’s fine,” she assured the heiress. She shook her head. “I get it. You’re… sensitive to this stuff. So you keep apologizing because you’re afraid you said the wrong thing, yeah?”

Honestly, Kim felt a little guilty for that. Her treatment of the other woman certainly couldn’t have helped how Vivian felt now. She bit her lip. “…I don’t know what to say, if I’m being honest here,” she admitted.

Vivian didn’t quite know what to say either. “It sucks that you’re stuck with me for the whole day,” she blurted out. “Not that I mind! I mean- it’s better than me being all alone!”

“Oh, so I’m better than being alone? Gee, thanks, you know how to compliment a girl,” Kim sarcastically replied.

When she saw the expression on Vivian’s face, she immediately felt bad about it. She hadn’t intended such a biting statement. “…I’m sorry. My sense of humor, it’s a little…”

Kim and Vivian were both clumsy people. Kim could see that in the other woman in a way that she had overlooked before. Vivian was trying her best, and failing, and that led to her acting in insensitive ways. But her heart was in the right place… most of the time, anyway.

Maybe if Kim had given her more grace in the beginning, things wouldn’t have ended up the way they did. She only had her own clumsiness and bad attitude to blame for that.

“…I was pretty jaded, before I came to this island,” Kim admitted. “Given the life I was leading… I don’t really blame myself for it. But somewhere along the way, I guess… I just let that toxicity take hold of me, and it ended up building up inside. Then, when I came onto this show, it was like… I finally had the opportunity to be free. I could do whatever I wanted, I could have fun, eat expensive foods I’d never get to eat on my budget, and just… get a chance to live. So when I saw you, this rich billionaire heiress who’s lived with a silver spoon in your mouth all your life and gotten opportunities and advantages I had been denied… I got scared. Defensive. Like you were invading my space. And every time you tried to be my friend, it was like… I was afraid you were trying to swallow me whole.”

Those feelings had made so much sense to Kim at the time. But right now, she couldn’t properly describe them in her heart. All she knew was that, as nonsensical as it all seemed in hindsight, it had felt real to her.

“…I let the poison I’d built up seep out against you, and I’m sorry for that,” Kim apologized. “But you’re right. This situation, it sucks. We’re stuck in a position where there’s another power imbalance between us, and now… you’re walking on eggshells because of me.”

Every time Vivian apologized or gave her that wary look, Kim couldn’t help but feel terrible about the situation. She had been the one to ask Vivian to be careful about giving her orders and to not push her own will too much, and give her space.

And now she was feeling guilty about the very obvious consequences of her request? Just because she’d asked Vivian to do it?

That sort of thinking… Kim had no one to blame but herself.

Kim raised her head and looked mournfully at the other girl. “…I really am sorry,” she said finally, holding out her hand to Vivian. “I know we’re not friends, but…”

Vivian stood there, stunned. She really hadn’t expected Kim to open up like this again, especially so soon after their last conversation in the hallway. It had taken her by complete surprise, and now she didn’t know how to answer her words.

“I… uh…” Vivian knew that Kim wanted her to take her hand, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. If she took that final step, then it would be a real reparation. It would mean that Kim was giving her a real chance for the first time.

What if she messed up again?

What if she did something wrong?

What if she did her best… but her best just wasn’t enough?

A part of Vivian wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to just have Kim still dislike her. Rather than giving her an opportunity or trying to understand her… instead of trying to be friends… wouldn’t it be easier for them both if things stayed the same?

If Kim already hated her…

Then Vivian couldn’t mess up again and ruin things a second time.

Before she could make a decision, the sound of a door swinging shut echoed through the common area. Dawn walked out of the Romantic Suite with a balled-up pair of panties in her hand and grim look on her face.

Kim immediately dropped her hand to the side, moving so fast Vivian worried that she might have dislocated her shoulder.

“Are you two just going to stay in the hall chatting?” Dawn asked as she passed the two girls. “It’s just a pair of panties, you don’t need to have a huge conversation about it.”

She walked into the elevator and closed it behind her, leaving the two women to their own devices once again.

Vivian and Kim looked at each other in bewilderment, and for a moment, neither of them knew what to say to the other.

Then both girls burst out laughing.

“Wow, that… that was pretty awkward,” Vivian said sheepishly. “I didn’t think she’d just come out like that.”

“We wasted way too much time on a silly conversation,” Kim said, shaking her head in exasperation. But even though her tone and words seemed to suggest impatience, there was a gleam in her eye that Vivian registered.

She wasn’t that upset. Even if her words seemed to indicate she was. And that helped Vivian relax as well.

It brought a smile to her lips.

“Thanks for saying all that stuff before,” she said quietly, looking at the younger woman. It stung that Kim could be more mature than her, but then… she had a lot of life experience under her belt that Vivian couldn’t even begin to imagine. “I’m sure that it couldn’t have been easy for you, saying all that stuff to me.”

Kim scratched her head and looked away. Vivian’s earnest gaze was hard for her to endure after all the bad blood that had gone down between them.

“Yeah, well… it’s not anything that special, okay?” She mumbled. “I was just trying to be honest with you. That’s the best policy, isn’t it?”

“I’ve always thought so,” Vivian said proudly. “I try not to lie to people!”

“Just play tricks on them, huh?” Kim asked dryly.

Vivian chuckled. “You know it! Now, we should probably take Dawn’s advice and see about those panties, yeah?” She worded her sentence carefully so it wouldn’t sound like an order. “Which room do you want to start with, mine or yours?”

“Yours is fine.” Kim watched Vivian from behind for a second. Something about what the heiress said just now was eating away at her.

Not one to mince words, she just put her thoughts out on the table for the other woman to think about herself.

“Are you one of them?” She asked.

“Uuuhhh… what?” Vivian turned around and looked at Kim in confusion, not sure what she was talking about. “One of who?”

Kim narrowed her eyes. “One of the people you try not to lie to.”

Vivian stiffened up. The color drained from her face. “Wh-what?” She mumbled. “I… I don’t… huh?” What was Kim talking about?

It didn’t make sense to her.

Kim walked towards her and kept her expression even. She looked deeply into the other woman’s eyes and watched Vivian squirm.

“You’re trying to be unshakingly honest with other people, I haven’t missed that,” Kim said. “But are you just as honest with yourself, Vivian?”

“I…” Vivian’s eyes dropped for a second as she dwelled on Kim’s question. But for Kim, that was answer enough.

“How do you feel about Nick?” Kim pressed her. The heiress stiffened up once again, and a tremor shot through her body.

“N-Nick,” she mumbled out. “That’s, um… w-well… I… he and I… uh…”

She looked furtively at Kim, who stared her dead in the eyes without yielding. It was a powerful question, she knew, and one that wouldn’t be easy for Vivian.

But Kim had a feeling that without pressure, Vivian would never make a decision one way or another where Nick was concerned. That wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to any of the other girls, who WERE honest about their intentions, and it wasn’t fair to Vivian herself.

“Well?”

“I-I’m thinking!” Vivian blurted out. “Why… why do you ask? I mean… Nick and I… we get along okay, so…”

“So that’s what you think of him, then?” Kim asked. “He’s just a guy you get along well with, that’s all he is?”

She didn’t mean to sound so venomous. But this was a sensitive subject for her, too. The way Vivian flinched when she said that… Kim felt awful for her.

“Kim… I…”

“If you can’t answer, then you can’t answer,” Kim said. Her voice softened. “Just forget about it.”

“N-no, I… I-!” Vivian didn’t want to be the sort of person who couldn’t answer a direct question like that. Especially when she and Kim seemed to finally be on the same page with one another and talking like a pair of adults.

But…

What was she supposed to say?

Her feelings were…

“I…” Vivian’s voice trembled, and Kim could see it in her eyes. She really didn’t know how she felt. Or, if she did, then she didn’t know how to properly express those feelings.

Either way… it wasn’t a good sign.

“Why are you giving him your panties if you don’t even know how you feel about him?” Kim asked her point-blank. “Are you just going along with the flow again? Or are you trying to be nice to Rose, maybe that’s it?”

Vivian had been acting weird all morning. And not just in the usual ways. When Rose brought up the whole “I’m going to give Nick your panties!” thing, Vivian had turned bright red, and had been acting shifty and awkward practically until they stepped off the elevator.

Something was definitely going on with her. And it might not have been any of Kim’s business, but she still wanted to know.

Because it was clearly causing the other girl distress.

“Vivian-”

“I just-! I…!” Vivian was having trouble talking. She wanted to explain, but she didn’t know how. She was too embarrassed to open up about her feelings, and worst of all…

She was afraid of what Kim would think about her if she tried to tell her the truth.

“I don’t… know.”

What else could she even say?

The truth was, where Nick was concerned, her feelings were always murky. They were polluted with too many factors, too many ulterior motives. Was she in love with him? Probably not. But he was important to her, she knew that much. She was glad that Nick had been the boy she’d ended up in the harem of, instead of someone who only saw her for her money and didn’t want to know the real person beneath it.

As for Kim, Vivian’s answer had shaken her. She’d expected Vivian to keep denying or try to change the subject, or even shut down. But to blurt out something like that, it didn’t seem like the kind of answer the heiress would give.

She was being vulnerable. And that wasn’t something Kim was used to from her.

“Vivian…” Kim bit her lip.

“This is going to sound really shitty. But you remember my date with Nick last round? The one that ended in a disaster?” Vivian asked, a shadow crossing over her face.

Kim nodded hesitantly. She didn’t like the emotions she was seeing from Vivian right now, they disturbed her.

“Vivian… that was a tough time for you both. But… it wasn’t like Nick got that upset, right?” Kim tried to extend an olive branch. But Vivian wasn’t going to take the easy way out on this one, no chance.

“He was, he was really angry,” Vivian said firmly. “You didn’t see the worst of it, Kim. Nobody did. You know? For a moment there, I really thought he hated me. I thought he was done with me, that I had messed up so badly I wouldn’t be able to fix it. That he wanted nothing to do with me.”

Kim wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t think that way. But she wasn’t naïve. Nick had a good heart, and he was kind, and he cared about people. But he had his limits. Even though he clearly would forgive Dakota for all of her terrible actions, Kim knew that there had to be some line that you could cross that he wouldn’t forgive.

Everyone had one. She knew that better than most people. So for Vivian to be afraid of that happening… it wasn’t unwarranted.

“Dream Alley actually almost collapsed I went through such a major breakdown!” Vivian added, shocking Kim with that revelation. She stared at the smiling face of the heiress and found herself at a loss for words.

“That, uh… w-wow,” Kim mumbled out. She couldn’t think of anything else to say, if she was being honest with herself.

Vivian looked ruefully at the other girl and chewed on her lip. “Luckily… it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But it was bad. And it was my fault.”

“Yeah,” Kim said bluntly. Maybe she could have been supportive or more sympathetic, but she wasn’t just going to lie to the other woman’s face just to make her feel better. She had never been THAT nice of a friend, even to her actual friends.

Given what Kim knew, Vivian had screwed up. And Kim had no qualms about telling her that to the other woman’s face.

“…Since then, I’ve been hesitant to get close to him,” Vivian admitted, playing with her fingers. “I’m sure you can guess why…”

Kim didn’t need to guess. Vivian had admitted as much to her face. Whatever feelings of doubt and worry she held towards her relationship with Kim, they must have been far more severe where Nick was concerned.

But what was Kim supposed to say about that?

“…But even though it stung to know that I’d hurt him… a part of me was happy that he reacted that way, too.”

That threw Kim for a loop. She stared at Vivian, confused.

“…Huh?”

Vivian bit her lip. This next part, she hadn’t admitted it to anyone, but… it was the truth. And if Kim wanted the truth from her…

Then that’s what she’d give her.

“Like I said… I could have ended up with a guy who didn’t care about me at all,” Vivian said quietly. “That only saw me as a walking wallet. Someone they could exploit for profit. And you know? I could have been fine with that, as long as they were kind to me.”

She was smiling. But Kim couldn’t understand why. Nothing she’d said there warranted a smile, not a damn thing.

“But Nick… he’s different. It wasn’t just that I messed up and brought up bad memories for him… no… it that was the worst part, but… it wasn’t everything.”

Vivian shook her head mournfully and her sad smile cracked. She looked at Kim with a pained expression on her face.

“Nick wanted to get to know me on our date, you know? And I ruined that completely. I messed it up, like I always do.”

Kim was stunned to hear that. She hadn’t ever considered that way of thinking before, but to hear it directly from Vivian’s lips…

“Vivian, that… I really don’t know what to say,” she admitted, shaking her head slowly.

“Well, you don’t need to say anything,” Vivian shook her head. “I didn’t tell you for sympathy or anything… I told you because you asked. You asked if I liked Nick, and the truth is… I really, really don’t know.”

She placed her hand over her heart and felt it beating softly. Her chest felt so warm.

“To me… Nick is someone who wanted to get to know me as a person,” Vivian said. “That’s not something… I’ve experienced very much…”

Kim winced. She had never seen this much pain on the heiress’s face before, and she had no idea what to say in response other than “Wow, that sucks.”

Didn’t really do the situation justice.

“So yeah, that’s the answer to your question,” Vivian finished. “What I feel about Nick.”

It wasn’t an answer at all, at least, not one Vivian was satisfied with.

But to her surprise, Kim seemed to be satisfied with that answer. The other girl nodded slowly, as if she understood.

“Well… okay, then,” she said. “If that’s how you feel, Vivian, I get it.”

“R-really?” Vivian looked shocked. It felt as though Kim was looking at her like she understood Vivian better than Vivian understood herself.

Not a great feeling, honestly.

“But that does leave me asking, why were you so weird this morning, then?” Kim wondered. “About the whole panties thing?”

Vivian flinched again. Another noticeable flinch. And there was a distinct lack of eye contact coming from the heiress.

Kim frowned. She could have reminded Vivian how much she claimed to value honesty, but frankly, she wasn’t sure if that would even move the needle for the other girl, given the weight of what she’d just revealed.

So, she decided not to press the issue, and the two girls went to go get their panties for Rose to give to Nick. If it was important, then she’d find out about the reason sooner or later, Kim figured.