The next morning...

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was that the comfortable warmth and sensation of a tiny sentient creature nestled againt my shaft was absent. I looked to my left and saw several bits of frayed twine.

_Shit. _I thought. _She must have gotten away. _Then I looked down at my body and realized that was the last of my problems. All up and down my wooden body was writing and crude drawings. "PIECE OF SHIT" read one. "STUPID ****" read another. "WOODEN PUSSY BITCH-ASS BITCH" and so on, There was also crude drawings of penises, feces, and even a couple swastikas. I didn't want to think about what was written on my face.

Worst of all though: where my feet once were there were only two jagged nubs. The little bitch had figured out a way to chop my feet off.

Setting aside the obvious trouble I was in, the situation overall raised some uncomfortable questions. One, are there Nazis? How do I even know what a Nazi is? Secondly, how did she manage this without me waking up. Do I feel pain? Is this just more magic shit?

Okay, maybe these questions weren't as important as my immediate situation. Maybe this wasn't so bad. I leaned over and lurched upright, seeing if I could balance on the stumps where my feet used to be... and immediately fell over. Fuck.