The Vampire Depravities, by Cuchuilain

“Happy Halloween, Gina.”

“It’s November!”

“Well, yes, but..”

“FUCK YOU, SARCKLE!”

“Gina please. We are having a story with vampires. That’s at least something, right?”

“I don’t care. Halloween is over. What’s even the point?”

“The tags also promised lesbian.”

“Ugh….”

“So we are reading The Vampire Depravities, by Cuchuilain”

“Alright ChooChoo, you better deliver.”

“Actually the name is a reference to irish…”

“Shut up and start reading.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

While she waited in her car for the inevitable she began thinking how stupid she was to stay on at the bar and not get a cab with Gwen and Ria and the others earlier.

“ANOTHER RIA?”

“Indeed.”

“What the actual fuck, Marcie! Are the writers just screwing with me? Are they just writing stories for the sole purpose of pissing me off?”

“I believe it has more to do with the fact that you are very easily to *ehem* piss off.”

“Then explain this Indian bullshit!”

“Well, If you would have let me explain, Gina, I would have told you that this is another story from tits. He apparently changed his name in a clumsy attempt at rebranding.”

“I fucking hate when they do that.”

“But this isn’t really the story of Ria. Our protagonist is Jeni, who is on vacation/work with her friends in the quaint town of Porthmadog and just gets pulled over by a corrupt police officer.”

The cop was pulling his pants down and revealing an implausibly pale but solid looking pink penis.

“When are we getting to the depraved vampires, Marcie?”

“Gina, please, a bit of patience.”

“So pink penis prick demands and Jeni obliges. Great. By the way getting to this point took five chapters.”

“To be fair, this is a set up for aforementioned vampires.”

In Kashmir I was once a feared and respected ruler, bowing only to the Great Shah. My twin sister Allatu and I held court in the most opulent manner devoting our lives to the pursuits of hedonism and the furthering of our own love and longevity. Together we practised the long lost arts of the mystics of Uruk, drinking the blood of ripe virgins to enhance our own vitality and mystical strengths.

“That’s one hell of a shift in tone. Also what’s with the weird racial undertones in tit’s story?”

“You still call him that?”

“I’m not remembering that wordsoup of a name, Marcie. Minority Vampire kills cop and fucks Jeni who is apparently some long lost ancient vampire queen or some shit like that.”

“Next up Jeni is back in her hotel. But things have changed. She is much more sexual. I surmise her vampiric power have awakened?”

“I guess? We got two chapters of cop and then a bunch of vampire dude monologue. Then the actual vampire sex lasted for a measly single chapter. You know, the main fucking thing of the story!”

“Hm yes, the pacing of this seems somewhat off.”

Now she looked into Ria’s soul and if she could, she would have pitied her. She could see the desparate search for affection that was making her cling to her boyfriend Dan,

“Ok this can’t be a fucking coincidence!”

“Actually, I didn’t notice this last time, but Ria’s husband in “Break the 4th wall” was also named Dan.”

“So what the fuck does that mean? Are these three stories all some big shared universe or something like that?”

“Probably, it certainly fits the bill.”

“That means...Hah! Suck it Dan, you loser! You are getting cucked by a vampire! Serves you fucking right, you stupid cuck loving fuck! Go on a cucumber!”

“After some lesbian dominance play, Jeni heads back to her ancient vampire hubby for another round of very brief sex.”

“Did we mention that the two are twins? Because the two are fucking twins who fuck!”

“Well, Jeni is the rebirth version of an ancient vampire queen. So this is technically not . Which is the best kind of .”

“Yeah, sure, nice try.”

“So, Ria and Gwen watch the sex secretly. Oh, Gwen is also a friend of Jeni but she doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.”

“Yeah, yeah, they plan to kill the beast and get the help of an Imam because Muslims are apparently very good vampire hunters. Do vampire’s even exist in Muslim faith?”

“Well, doing a bit of research on the subject…”

“Oh wait. I don’t care. The group, Jeni, Ria and Iman guy head to the vampire’s lair which is a giant coffin in the middle of Stonehedge.”

“Um actually, it’s Stonehenge, Gina. And I don’t think the geographic checks out for that.”

“Who cares! It’s a bunch of stones in England. It’s stonewhatever.”

“It is magically warded but it still seems like a rather poorly protected place.”

“They arrive just minutes before sundown because the group is dumb like that. Anyways, they remove the stone slab and try to kill the vampire. It doesn’t work obviously.”

“Ah, but then Jeni topples one of the magic ward pillars and the vampire becomes to sunlight and burns to .”

“What a little bitch.”

“Yes, given how much he was build up, this end was rather ignoble.”

“But there is a twist! Jeni is now evil and kills the Iman and makes Ria her . The end!”

“I would like to use a Gina please here, but no, she is pretty much spot on. The story comes to a conclusion after just 20 rather short chapters.”

“Tits seems to have a hard on with abruptly ending stories, but then again I suppose that is still better then letting them meander out like everyone else does.”

“So, Gina, your thoughts?”

“Ria just can’t fucking catch a break can she? Every story the bitch is in she suffers! So far her best ending was getting by aliens.”

“I was more referring to the overall quality.”

“I think this universe is stupid. Is Harem Hotel part of it too? Aliens, demons, vampires. Just how much supernatural bullshit can you fit into one thing?”

“sigh.”

“How about you add something?”

“Well, let’s see. The plot was more coherent then the last one from tits. Even so, there where still a few odd choices.”

“Like the completely lackluster lesbian sex. We could have had more of that if tits didn’t decide to suddenly end the story. Wow, the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off!”

“In conclusion on these two stories tits had submitted, I get the feeling he tends to rush things out. His desire to produce an ending is admirable, but I can’t help but feel if he would take a bit more time his stories wouldn’t…”

“wouldn’t what?”

“...suck.”

“...”

“pffft get it?”

“Ugh.”

“Because of vampires.”

“I GET IT!”