The Protector's Quest for Proper Protection

With your resolve steeled, you opened up the map-scroll with its three locations marked to begin your epic quest. For this adventure, you'd pack light, move light, and maybe even rent a faster horse and drink some haste potions. Some dark part of your brain still thought this was either a way to get rid of you or a practical joke and you didn't want to devote any more of your time to it than it warranted, especially not since you might come back and find the girl's father had decided to marry her off a more to someone of status and money now that she was back home in the nest.

The first spot marked in your map was, fittingly, a forest neighboring the elven kingdom. The trees surrounding the royal castle were all lush and evergreen, entwining the buildings and growing tall and healthy. They bore delicious fruits and provided ample shade to the forest's creatures.

The trees on the neighboring Witch's Wood provided foreboding scenery and many chances to regret your decisions. It would be bad enough if you were just forced to look at the gnarled, gray, twisted things, but they were very much alive, constantly clawing you and your speedy mare as you attempted to simply be done with them. You ended up hacking quite a few of them apart with your blade as though you were a lumberjack.

Only when you found yourself approaching the witch's hut that was the titular feature of the Witch's Wood did you begin to question what sort of condom materials could possibly exist in this place. Well, the materials were all going to druids for some kind of elven magic. Best not to question it.

Finally, you found the witch's hut. How were you meant to approach this? Would you walk up and knock on the door, asking if she could spare a cup of rubber? Or was it better to try a stealthy, unseen approach, sneaking in through the back? It looked as though the back way could possibly run afoul of some beasts in a covered pen...

{action data-action-source-index="0" "Knock on the front door and ask if she can spare any rubber" if game:phase = 0 set game:choice = 1}

{action data-action-source-index="1" "Sneak through the back and collect some silken thread" if game:phase = 0 set game:choice = 2}

{if game:choice = 1}

You were wearing your finest magic resistant armor, a set that had been strong enough to help resist dragon fire. You surely hoped it could handle whatever magic the wicked witch was planning to throw at you, but maybe it wouldn't come to that? Perhaps there was a way to negotiate with her. Then again, bargains with witches often tended to have some nasty strings attached.

"Who is it? Oh, you're here for magic rubber, right?"

It was equal parts surprising and welcome to hear the witch be so pleasant and conversational. When she came to the door, you also found yourself somewhat thankful that she wasn't some decrepit old hag. Compared to your princess waiting, she wasn't a vision from a fairytale painting, but you thought that if this was another type of story, you'd be very willing to be seduced by her ruby red eyes, black-painted lips, and the very low-cut black tube top of her dress.

"Easy there, tiger. Eyes up. You're getting rubber for a condom so you can fuck the princess, right?"

Stupefied at her straightforward question, you nodded.

"I'm hundreds of years old and I've been providing magic rubber to noble protectors like you for just as many years. I know the score." She laughed, giving you a wry smile along with a black lacquer box, engraved with the shape of a spider. "Here's the magic rubber... it's perfectly elastic and magically one-sized fits all, so you won't have any trouble."

You thanked her. Wow! It sure was nice to meet a person who wasn't going to send you on seven labors just to acquire a crafting material for once in your god-damned life. And all of it with none of that pesky witch cursing you'd dealt with so many times during your adventure-

"Oh: full disclosure. The magic rubber lets me watch the two of you do it as long as you're wearing it. Just keep that in mind, alright?"

... Well, it was a little cursed.

"Don't tell your girlfriend, alright? I've got a good thing going with you suitors."

{action data-action-source-index="2" "Collect the Witch's Rubber" if game:phase = 0 set game:condomthickness += 30, game:condomyield += 1, game:phase = 1}

{endif}

{if game:choice = 2}

There was no way that witch was going to just give you what you wanted if you asked nicely. This was a quest, after all. Adventurers don't just knock on witch's doors and ask for their magic materials like they're collecting a cup of sugar.

No, when it came to things like this, there was always either a stealth section or a fight involved. You resolved to try the one that was a bit like a stealth section, leaving your pack with the mare and dropping to a crouch to sneak behind the deceptively plain-looking house.

To your surprise, the pen you'd seen around the corner was suspiciously devoid of anything. Nothing normal like livestock, nothing creepy like standing goats, nothing silly like a swarm of angry chickens. Seemingly just nothing. It was a bit dark due to the coverage of the tent-like canopy, but you couldn't see anything stirring around in the dirt. Satisfied, you lifted the flap a bit and crept in, headed towards the back-door of the house.

It was a little gross, the trek up. You heard something squishing beneath your foot, like you'd stepped on a toad, and you felt like every few steps deposited a new spider-web in your face that you batted away with the back of one glove. Once you'd made enough progress to do so, you decided to peer in through a window, rather than barge through the door.

Your libido, the driving force behind your adventure, was momentarily misdirected as you laid eyes upon a very comely young woman, black-haired and ruby-eyed, with skin just as pale as your future wife's. Her figure was a bit fuller and it was currently fully on display, as she sat pouring water from a bucket over her head. She rubbed lather into the full globes of her breasts, biting her lip as she got a bit carried away playing with herself in the privacy of her own witchy hut...

... until her eyes opened and locked with yours.

She grabbed a pointed hat off the rack near the door and used it to cover her chest, while angrily snapping her fingers with her free hand.

You were pondering if that was her way of telling you to get lost, then came to understand the actual meaning: this pen was for human-sized spiders she was raising and that was her signal for them to attack. Thinking that you'd feel bad for slaying her spiders when you were, after all, the one intruding, you beat feet back to your mare as fast as you could. While you managed to outrun the spider's bites and claws, you did find yourself subjected to a truly revolting spray of fresh webbing, covering you from head to toe.

However, as you rode off later, peeling the stuff from your body, you came to find that once it was a little less moist, it actually felt quite lovely wrapping your fingers. Not to mention there was certainly a lot of it. You'd found your condom ingredient, even in failure.

{action data-action-source-index="3" "Collect the Spider's Silk" if game:phase = 0 set game:condomtexture = "Silky", game:condomthickness += 10, game:condomyield += 2, game:phase = 1}

{endif}

{if game:phase > 0}

----------------------------------------------------

After riding off from the mansion of the lovely forest witch, you redirected your affection towards your future wife, the elven princess, Rubia.

Ah, Rubia. What was she doing now? Was she awaiting you with bated breath, now excited that you'd undertaken her challenge? Or was she laughing at, recognizing you as the rube you were? Only time would tell.

The thoughts of Rubia would have to sustain you as you bashed your way through goblins and trolls, heading into a deep, dark, humid cavern that served as their lair. You'd fought more goblins than any man should ever have to already in your adventure and were frankly insulted that you'd have to cut your way through this many more. At least it was pretty routine work and not so rough on your sword as destroying the malformed treants had been.

The goblins were easy, anyway. The trolls, not so much.

You'd actually never fought trolls like these before. It didn't occur to you until you were working on your third, deep inside the tunnel, but these things had skin like boulders and even their blood seemed thick and resistant to cuts. It was pretty clearly marked on the map, now that you looked at it. A sort of a blood-splatter next to this cave indicated that blood was the item to be collected here.

At least there was plenty of it, but now that you realized it, you'd have to start bottling the stuff. Gross!

Were you really going to add this stuff to your condom recipe? As you looked at your sword, you realized it was utterly caked in coagulated, goopy troll-blood. The goblin blood had slid off relatively simply, but the troll blood was really sticking. How did their hearts even pump this stuff?

Far be it for you to doubt the wisdom of the elven royals and the druids of the realm, but...

{action data-action-source-index="4" "Collect the troll blood as instructed" if game:phase = 1 set game:choice2 = 1}

{action data-action-source-index="5" "Collect some goblin blood instead" if game:phase = 1 set game:choice2 = 2}

{if game:choice2 = 1}

For the sake of your beloved, you would carry out her quest as it was obviously intended to be carried out: bottling the blood of fearsome trolls. The stuff smelled bad and felt disgustingly gummy to touch; you were happy for the gloves you habitually wore for protection as an armored swordsman.

Druid magic involved total transmogrification of materials. That was what you were telling yourself. This stuff was never going to touch your penis. You had to believe that.

After all, Rubia had said that the elven royalty were very selective about who they mixed their blood with, right? They didn't want some lumbering troll's genetics getting into the mix, did they?

You found that the worst part of this challenge was the amount of convincing yourself it would be sanitary when the magic finished.

{action data-action-source-index="6" "Collect Troll Blood" if game:phase = 1 set game:condomthickness += 40, game:condomyield += 1, game:phase = 2}

{endif}

{if game:choice2 = 2}

... What Rubia didn't know wouldn't hurt her, right? Blood was nasty in general but at least most blood just smelled and looked like blood. You really didn't want to scoop up that nasty fell troll stuff, which had a totally new and unappealing texture. You resolved to pull a fast one by bottling some goblin blood. Nobody would know the difference. It wasn't like the druids were going to sniff the stuff, were they?

You'd vault that obstacle when you had to. For now, you had to bottle some blood. Luckily for you, there was no shortage of bleeding goblins left in your wake from which to choose. By the time you were finished, you'd collected a more than ample supply. That was, perhaps, another benefit to going goblin over troll.

You heard these things had a pretty good sex drive too. Maybe that would factor in here somehow? Could a condom actually act as an aphrodisiac as well? Maybe if magic was involved.

{action data-action-source-index="7" "Collect Goblin Blood" if game:phase = 1 set game:condomthickness += 10, game:condomyield += 3, game:phase = 2}

{endif}

{endif}

{if game:phase > 1}

--------------------

By this point, you were getting a bit exhausted. You weren't taking a lot of time to stop or build camp or eat. You were singularly driven by your desire to finally stick your aching penis into the warm and waiting slit of the woman you loved. You were a man possessed. By the time you arrived at the crystal tower that served as the final stop, you were getting a little delirious from lack of sleep.

You must be, because that was the only thing that could explain the sight you were seeing in front of you as you shielded your eyes from the light glinting off the crystalline structure. At the base of the massive tower was a dancing harlequin, a woman with blond hair in pigtails, all dressed in green-and-red jester's motley. She was busy juggling a pair of beanbags, one red and one green, to match her outfit. She barely seemed to notice you approaching.

Her face held a smile that was at once pretty and also half-mad, given the setting she'd chosen for her juggling. You'd had to knock down a crystal golem or two on your way here, now that you were thinking about it. You remembered their massive bodies shattering heavily into crystals and wondered if she was an expert golem-tipper herself.

You thought the bouncing of her chest was rather more eye-catching than her juggling, then recounted that there sure were a lot of busty women involved with your adventure: Rubia, the witch, and now the clown.

"What a strange groom! You're here for the right to bed the princess, but you're distracted by another woman. Are you so mad that you'd take a humble entertainer like myself as your diversion from your prize? Am I to play your bachelor's party?"

The question snapped you back to focus. You told her that you intended no such offense.

"Ah, offense is the backbone of comedy, I find. Speaking of which: I've fairly ruined this next challenge for you! Don't worry. You can omit this part in your retelling of the tale. And you should! I am a jester that always tells the truth."

That didn't sound good. You asked her what she was saying.

"Well, I've removed the need for you to scale the tower. I have in these bags of mine two materials far superior to what you'll find at the top of the tower! In one bag, I have a quantity of magic beads. When combined with your silly 'Royal Sheath,' you'll find it produces a most-- ooh, ah-- stimulating effect! Consider it jester-approved! As someone who knows a good rib, I can tell you, it'll be ribbed for her pleasure! If you were packing something smooth and silky, this will replace that, just so you know."

Being something of a condom neophyte, you weren't sure what she meant by "ribbed for her pleasure," but it sounded pretty promising.

"If you don't like that, how about the second bag? It contains a quantity of magic beads."

You told her that the first bag already had a quantity of magic beads.

"Yes, well, this set of beads is special, because it was once only one bead! This magic crystal has the power to multiply! When you apply it to your Royal Sheath, you'll find a similar effect."

She wasn't saying it would give you two penises, right? You weren't sure if you were ready to take things in that direction. At the very least, it would freak out your wife-to-be, who seemed somewhat skittish.

"No, dummy. It'll increase your yield. It stretches the material just a bit thinner, but you'll get more of them. That has it's own advantages, right? Don't tell me you haven't thought of it!"

The jester's offer was awfully tempting. Saving yourself a trip up the tower, presumably full of more dangerous crystal creatures and possibly some frustrating puzzle at the very top, would surely be its own reward. Then again, jesters had a way of pulling jokes at other people's expenses. How frustrating would it be to get tricked out of the perfect condom here, at this late stage, because you relied upon a fool's promises?

It was hard for you to think with her bells jingling and her breasts flopping around all over the place.

{action data-action-source-index="8" "Take the bag with some quantity of beads" if game:phase = 2 set game:choice3 = 1}

{action data-action-source-index="9" "Take the bag that once held only one bead but now has a larger quantity of beads" if game:phase = 2 set game:choice3 = 2}

{action data-action-source-index="10" "Scale the tower even though she said you don't need to" if game:phase = 2 set game:choice3 = 3}

{if game:choice3 = 1}

You were quite eager to avoid a long trip up the ominous crystalline tower. You told the jester you'd gladly accept her gift: the regular quantity of beads.

"Excellent choice, sir! You won't regret it and neither will she. Think fast!"

You raised both hands to catch the bag in front of your face. When you lowered it, the clown had disappeared completely. Still, you heard her voice from somewhere nearby. "Don't worry. You can pay me back by summoning me to court when you have your first beautiful half-elf child! Just remember: don't let her enjoy that condom too much, or there won't be beautiful half-elf child."

She was surprisingly wise for a fool. You certainly hoped that the Royal Sheath was just a one-time tradition. After thanking the jester, you began your arduous trek home. You wished you had a fun, bouncy clown with pigtails to entertain you all the way back, but you weren't quite restless enough to hallucinate her again.

{action data-action-source-index="11" "Collect Ribbing Beads" if game:phase = 2 set game:condomtexture = "Ribbed", game:condomthickness += 30, game:condomyield += 1, game:phase = 3}

{endif}

{if game:choice3 = 2}

You were quite eager to avoid a long trip up the ominous crystalline tower. You told the jester you'd gladly accept her gift: the larger quantity of beads.

"Excellent choice, sir! You won't regret it and neither will she. Think fast!"

You raised both hands to catch the bag in front of your face. When you lowered it, the clown had disappeared completely. Still, you heard her voice from somewhere nearby. "Don't worry. You can pay me back by summoning me to court when you have your first beautiful half-elf child! Just remember: don't let her enjoy that condom too much, or there won't be beautiful half-elf child."

She was surprisingly wise for a fool. You certainly hoped that the Royal Sheath was just a one-time tradition. After thanking the jester, you began your arduous trek home. You wished you had a fun, bouncy clown with pigtails to entertain you all the way back, but you weren't quite restless enough to hallucinate her again.

{action data-action-source-index="12" "Collect Multiplying Beads" if game:phase = 2 set game:condomthickness += 20, game:condomyield += 2, game:phase = 3}

{endif}

{if game:choice3 = 3}

You didn't have time for any more of this silliness. This was supposed to be a quest! What kind of quest ends with a big-boobed clown tossing you a magic bag that solves your problems for you? Your last quest had ended with you and the princess storming a demon castle and fighting a jet-black dragon that shot blue flames from its mouth that could inflict three random status effects. There was no way that this could end that easily.

"Suit yourself! I'm just a juggling clown without a proper name, Max. Just don't say I didn't warn you! I'm a clown that always tells the truth."

You made your way past, shooting a look at the snug fit of her jester britches to her shapely caboose, and wondered if the view inside would be as nice.

It was pretty, of course. Every room was crafted from solid, quartz-like crystals by means of some ancient magic and the abandoned jewel furniture told tales of the beings that had once lived here. Unfortunately, it was very difficult to focus on that prettiness when you were constantly avoiding the swinging, club-like arms of crystal golems and the swinging, club-like clubs they sometimes held. The traps descending from the ceiling were also rather club-like and rather pendulous. By the time you made it to the top floor, you had more fresh dents in your armor than you could count.

If you'd attempted this same adventure when you were still a rookie, you'd surely have been killed on the first floor, but with your great experience and wisdom as a veteran fighter, you were able to make it all the way to the top, gaining great experience and a wealth of crystals on your way up. At the very pinnacle of the tower, upon a perch of rainbow-colored gems, sat a gleaming treasure chest that reflected light in all directions, so much so that it nearly blinded you as you made your way up the precarious slope.

When you pressed both gloves to its smooth surface and forced the lid open, you found...

... Nothing. The empty treasure chest tumbled down countless flights of crystalline stairs to shatter upon the floor below. You quickly hurried to descend in a less lethal fashion back to the floor you'd been on a moment earlier.

The jester's voice came from somewhere nearby, but you failed to spot her.

"I told you! I'm a clown who never lies. I said you don't need to! That's because the two treasures were what I already offered you at the bottom of the tower, silly."

You shouted out to her if you could have them now.

"I think experience really is its own reward."

That was the last you heard of the jester. If you became king of the realm some day, you'd send out a decree that she be brought before the court to be subjected to some kind of punishment, the severity of which would probably depend if you'd come to see the humor in her joke or not.

{action data-action-source-index="13" "Collect Nothing" if game:phase = 2 set game:phase = 3}

{endif}

{endif}