The New Houses

Mafalda decided that, as fun as this new reality was, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. She decided to flex her imagination and build out this depraved little world of her’s. First, some mythos for the new housing system:

After the age of 18, the women of Hogwarts will transition to new adult specialism houses of Hogwarts for the betterment of female integration into the Wizarding World. The system was inspired by Mafalda Prewett who defied all her peers who dismissed her as a “nerdy bitch with no looks” to become the most successful, intelligent, and dignified woman in Wizarding History. Some critics have said that this House system is counter-intuitive and actually degrades and demeans young women so thoroughly that Mafalda is guaranteed eternal superiority… but those critics are idiots and probably incels in tinfoil hats.

Mafalda regathered her focus with a shudder followed by a contented sigh. ‘Now, where was I? Ah yes. These houses… let’s start with “Anal” I suppose’

House Bubblebutt
Named after Badonka Bubblebutt, one of the finest Twerkomancers in continental Europe, House Bubblebutt prides itself on its formidable **** of will, willingness to get down and dirty, and down to earth, no nonsense, practicality.

Mafalda chortled as if planting a whoopee cushion on the seat of a teacher. Unchecked power had distorted her sense of normalcy. But, anyways, once again she continued to the next house, FKA “vaginal”.

House Cameltoe
Named after Clungena Cameltoe, a naturally talented alchemist specialising in muggle-derived love potions, House Cameltoe is famed for its tolerance, compassion, and generosity of body.

Mafalda didn’t know which was more fun, creating absurd fictional histories, or knowing that she’d now made them true. But there was no time to calculate, she had houses to found!

House Guzzlecum
Gargella Guzzlecum was famed for her ambition, cunning, and oration. This triad remains the foundation of House Guzzlecum today.

That takes care of “mouth”, next was “boobs” always a sore point for the flat-chested Mafalda. Bullied at school for her humble ‘developments’, she took solace in the fact she had brains over breasts.

House Floppijugz
Fílmaí Floppíjugz never claimed to be anything special, but she is credited with distracting Grindelwald for the critical split-second which ultimately prevented his conquest of the wizarding world. House Floppijugz are bubbly, enthusiastic, buoyant personalities who make the world a slightly better place.

Just as Mafalda was starting to feel a bit jaded, having successfully butchered centuries of wizarding history within a few minutes. She cast her gaze to the sullen figure wearily crawling to the great hall entrance. She forgot about Hermione, the girl who got “Feet”

House Tarantino
This house is newly formed and it is suspected that the Sorting Hat founded it in tribute to eccentric American wizard, and Livermorny graduate, Quentin Tarantino. The house is brand new and, so far, consists entirely of Hermione Granger, but they have a reputation for being a bit creepy and gross.

Mafalda felt lazy with that one and definitely let her professionalism slip a little for that last part. She was about to tweak it when she giddily reminded herself that she’s now basically a god and sloppiness is her divine right. Also, Hermione, the supposed heir to Mafalda’s ‘most brilliant student’ crown, could do with a dose of lowliness.