The Mirror of Self-Loathing

“~CONGRATULATIONS!~ You have made it through the second part of the trial of kindness. You may now act for yourself again.” With ASTRID’s announcement, Laura put down both Talia and Sam, and they all sat on the floor, physically and mentally exhausted. “Now you each face a choice. You can go forward and face the final part of the trial, or you can bow out. You will be given rewards for making it this far if you choose to leave. This is a kindness, which is provided as the next part of the trial is a solitary endeavor, and many find it extremely difficult. Should you proceed, you will either succeed or be ejected from the trial. In the case of ejection, you will receive no rewards and likely be incapacitated. Choose wisely, as the next challenge is a test of character.”

The three looked at each other with worry. Laura was the first to speak, “Umm… does it seem strange that we were given an out?”

Sam nodded, “Yes, at least I think so.”

Talia thought about it for a few minutes while Laura and Sam stared at her intently. “I think that the next part is likely something that is going to be emotionally difficult in some way, which is why we are being given the out. I could see a situation where, if Sadie were here, she would have to do something genuinely nice for Chloe, as an example, and not simply do the nice thing because the trial required her to. Which might essentially be impossible for her. On one hand, I think we should all do the next part, both so we have a greater chance at success, and that filling up the mana orb that likely waits for us will be shorter. On the other hand, I worry about what would happen if we all get incapacitated. Since we only recover when properly rested, which means someone would need to come and drag us back to a bed.”

Laura responded, “I doubt we would all get incapacitated. Even if that happens, I would bet that Mark and the others would come get us tomorrow. If the worst happens and they don’t, we should still respawn eventually.”

Sam and Talia both looked at Laura, confused, and at the same time said, “Respawn?”

“OH, right, guess you two might not know. Apparently, a mechanic in this world is that if incapacitated for a long enough time, and not captured or restrained, you’ll just teleport somewhere safe and recover naturally with time. That’s why with the Cow-girl hoard, they didn’t have a continuous buildup of bodies, but the hoard also just kept coming, because the defeated ones would teleport back to the idol and get back up eventually.”

“Hmm, that does alleviate my concerns somewhat, but are we sure that is what happens with us?”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t. Plus, it would be sort of boring for the audience if one of us got incapacitated somewhere random and could never recover because the others can’t find us. I think we should all do it unless you personally don’t want to for some reason.”

Sam lay back down, “I’ll do it, but first some rest. How are your hands, by the way, Laura? Is the sensitivity back to normal?”

“No. Luckily, I made sure to spread the increases out across my body; otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to actually carry the two of you. Honestly, it was a little weird, if pleasurable.”

“New kink unlocked!” Talia joked as she flopped down to recover as well.

“Hey! What have I told you about the teasing?”

“That, it’s sexy and endearing?”

“Yes, except the exact word I used was ‘Don’t’.”

The three lay in silence for a little while, just recovering. Eventually, Sam asked, “Hey, have you two really thought about what it’s going to be like when this is all over?”

“You mean after the show?” Talia asked for clarification.

“Yeah.”

“Yes, actually. Quite a lot. I worry, but I have faith that we’ll all make it through, and wind up happy.”

Laura glanced at Talia, “Really? Is that because of me?”

Talia chuckled and smiled. “Partially, but not solely. I have faith in you, sure, but also in Mark, and honestly in the fact that everyone here is a good person deep down who is willing to try to be better and make things work.”

Sam asked, “Merida’s clones… doppelgangers… alternates? Whatever you want to call them, the other Meridas, the fact that things went poorly doesn’t worry you that we might not make it through this?”

Talia shook her head. “Not in the slightest. Logically, I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Plenty could go wrong, and frankly, plenty has gone wrong. What makes me have faith is how we have all responded. The only two I’m particularly worried about right now are Sadie and Chloe, but that’s something they need to work out themselves at this point.” Talia stood up. “Laura, could you cast Instant Clean? My panties are soaked right now, and I'm rather sweaty.” Laura waved her hand, and all three were instantly clean from any grim or sexual fluids. “Thanks, I think I’m going to head on in, as it sounds like we will be separated for this. I hope to see both of you successful on the other side.” Talia confidently strode down the hall to the final part of the trial.

Reaching the end of the hall, Talia saw the sign, ‘Remember to be Kind, and you harm yourself when you aren’t.’ Keeping that in mind, Talia opened the door and stepped through. As the door shut behind her and disappeared, Talia could only help but think one thing as she saw what was in the room. Well, shit. This could go really poorly for Sam. Not that it will be easy for me.

Talia walked towards the sole object in the room, a single floor-length mirror. In the mirror, she didn’t see herself. Rather, she saw who she was before the changes, before the show. Her reflection stepped out of the mirror and sneered at Talia. “Is this what we’ve become? A goth bimbo slut? You turned your back on everything you stood for, and for what?”

Talia remained calm, “You know why I took Cassandra’s deal. It was to protect our sister.”

“HA! Like heck it was. It was because you are a pathetic coward. Because you wanted to give in to temptation but weren’t willing to admit it. You’re a massive hypocrite and deep down a huge slut. Hell, if you wanted to protect her, then why was one of the few things you actually asked Mark to change, was our sister? It’s because you’re a degenerate and you know it.”

“And?”

“AND!? You think you deserve to be happy! That you’re a good person!? You’re awful, and you know it!”

Talia walked over to her reflection and reached up and put a hand on her cheek. “Everyone deserves to find happiness. I don’t know if I’m a good person, but I try to be. You’re right, I did selfishly choose to protect myself because I was weak, but it wasn’t only to protect me. Who I was then, which you most certainly are not, is not who I am now. I’ve found a new path. A path I’m struggling on, but a path that is bringing me happiness. In hindsight, I can see how this could have gone differently, gone better, but I’ve already made peace with those decisions. I’m not going to hold on to this self-hatred any longer. You can let it go now, too.”

Talia’s reflection was roiling with indignation, and slapped Talia across the face hard. “You think I don’t know the truth! I know you still hate what you did, and who you were.”

“No. I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t hate who I was anymore, either. I regret much, and have erred plenty, but I won’t blame myself anymore.”

(SMACK) “LIAR!”

Talia took a deep breath, looked back at her reflection, and smiled, “It’s okay.”

(SMACK) “NO!” Her reflection started tearing up. “NO! It’s not! We’re despicable!” (SMACK!)

Talia reached out and hugged herself, her reflection finally breaking down and crying into her shoulder.

Talia’s eyes were misty as her reflection slowly disappeared, and she found the mirror replaced with an orb to channel mana into. She sighed, might as well get started, no clue how long the others are going to take.

Laura had gotten up next and found herself in the same room with the mirror. “Oh, this better fucking not be like last time.” Laura walked to the mirror, realizing she didn’t have a choice at this point. Her reflection took a moment to settle on a form, swapping between what she looked like now and at the beginning of the show. Eventually, her pre-show reflection stepped out.

Laura asked her reflection, “So, how does this work exactly?”

“Of course.” Laura's reflection sneered. “Always got to figure out how to fix a problem. Never wanting to simply let people be, but also never willing to actually make a connection.”

“I’m sorry?”

Her reflection snorted, “No, you aren’t. You’re scared. Scared to care. It’s why Ellen wasn’t covered under your TF, and why you don’t tell Talia the truth. Not only are you a coward, but you’re weak and a hypocrite. You claim you care about consent, but that’s always been a rule for thee, not a rule for me. You messed with Aubrey, Chloe, Mary, and Mark on several occasions, then you get bent out of shape when Aubrey does essentially the exact same thing. Let’s not even mention our bastard of a father and what you did to him, or the countless number of other guys you slept with while they were drunk or on ****. Always chasing a fucking orgasmic high instead of caring about those you leave in your wake. I wonder how long before you toss Talia aside, or Sam. Hell, you probably would have even run away from Mark if you had that option.”

“SHUT UP!” Laura roared as she stomped the ground, shaking the entire room.

“There she is, the weak girl, who lashes out and leaves when things get too real. That’s who you are,” Laura’s reflection stepped closer and stood on her tippy-toes whispering to Laura, “And you’re terrified that Mark will find out, and you’ll be abandoned like the used-up slut you are.”

Laura clenched a fist and nearly swung at her reflection. Calm down. This is likely intentionally poking at my insecurities over the years. Lashing out is a mistake.

“HA! Over the years? HA HA HA HA HA HA!” Laura’s reflection literally fell on her ass laughing so hard. “I’m not made up of the things long since past. You and I both know, I speak about how you feel right now about yourself deep down. You can’t even admit to yourself that you love being praised and worshiped. Not as a dom but as someone worthy of such accolades, as someone of value. Of course, I can hardly blame you.” Laura’s reflection sneered again, “After all, you aren’t worthy of that. Talia is brilliant compared to you, before or after her changes, and you definitely don’t deserve her adoration. Then there’s Mark, who indulges you, but why would he ever truly love someone like you, when he has so many better options?”

“ENOUGH!” Laura shouted, slicing through the air with her hand. “You’re wrong. I don’t need to be a goddess of desire to know that what Mark feels for me is real. Yes, Talia is brilliant, but the only one who gets to decide if I’m worthy of being with her is her, so keep her name out of your mouth! Also, kink shaming me? Really? You’re clearly nothing like the real me.”

“Is that so? Then why are you still here? Simple, deep down you still agree with me, because deep down this is how you feel about yourself.”

“Bullshit.”

“You know what, prove it then. Because I sincerely doubt you are passing this room the normal way. Say how you really feel: about Mark, Talia, Sam, and the others. Say what you truly desire for the future. Do that, and I’ll let you through; otherwise, you’ll have to pass the normal way, which, considering your HP right now, is highly unlikely.”

Laura paused for a moment and checked her HP and noticed that she had taken a significant portion of her total. When did that happen? Crap. I’m literally hurting myself with my own words and actions. I was so angry that I missed the building frustration. Laura took some deep breaths. I bet that had I actually punched my reflection, I would be incapacitated. So I’m supposed to be kind to her? When she’s such a bitch? OW FUCK! Seriously, my thoughts can hurt me. “Fine, you want to know how I really feel? I love Mark. I’ve made that clear; I’m not ashamed of that at all. AND YES! I want a family with him. I don’t know how that will look, but I do know I want it. I know that, to my surprise, includes kids one day. I also know that Talia and the others are a part of that family. Despite what you’re insinuating, no, I’m not in love with her, but things are moving that way. As for Sam, yeah, I hope I can convince Allie to let her explore things with Talia and me romantically, because she is an amazing and fierce woman, and I would be lucky to have her as a partner. Ellen and Brooke are both my sisters, as frankly, I consider most of them to be like sisters to me. Sure, some are bratty younger sisters, but that doesn’t make me care any less. So, SHOVE IT! Because I know my sexual history doesn’t change my value, and I know that while I’m lucky to have this chance, I’m the one who took the chance and am still here. I’m not running, and I’m not a coward.”

Laura’s reflection did a slow clap, “Wonderful to hear.” Then, as a teasing final quip, as the reflection started to fade, “I’m willing to bet that little speech will be in the challenge highlights reel.”

Causing Laura to pale as she joined Talia in the mana orb room.

Sam watched as Laura vanished through the doorway. She wasn’t sure why, but she hesitated. Shaking her head, she thought, It’s nothing. I’ve got this. She remembered what Allie had told her before they parted this morning.

“Sam, be safe. I believe in you, and I know you can handle anything this trial throws your way. You can do it.”

She confidently strode through the doorway and heard it slam shut behind her. A mirror? Odd. Is it another doppelganger scenario? I doubt that I have to fight, as that sort of goes against the whole premise of kindness.

She was about to approach the mirror when she heard a voice from behind her. “Tráthnóna maith.” Turning around Sam saw a ghost that was definitely Irish and also wearing what she could only think of as peasant clothes. “How is it with ye, girsha? I hear tell ye are something like a great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter to me, or some such thing. Musha, it looks like I’m after arrivin' a taste too late. I’ve a fair notion of what does be lurkin' behind that glass, and I’d have given ye the word to stay well clear of this place had I the chance. But sure, there’s no sense keenin' over what’s done. We must only face what’s comin' for us. The least a man can do is stand by his own kin.”

“Hi, so you know what I’m about to face? Also, I’m Samantha. Can you tell me your name?”

“The pleasure is mine. Murphy Irving is the name they put on me. As for what’s behind the glass... it’ll be yourself ye see, but not the self ye know. 'Tis the dark of ye—the bitter thoughts and the black feelin's ye keep hid in the deep of your heart—given a shape and a face.”

“Oh.” Sam’s shoulders slumped. That’s… that’s bad…

“Hould on there! What is it ye think ye’re doin' at all? Is it givin' up ye are, before a blow has even been struck? That is no way for a kin of mine to be carryin' on. Especially not when that kin is a bloody dragon. Now, march yourself over to that glass and face the thing ye must. Have it in your mind that the strength of them that came before ye is at your back this day.”

Sam gave him a weak smile, “Thanks, Murphy. You’re much more supportive than the last ghost that visited me.”

“Oh, he got a right schoolin' from us Irvings, so he did. 'Tis the grace and the right of a father to be standin' by his childer, watchin' them grow into finer and more prosperous folk than ever he was himself. Even if... well, even if he might’ve wished his daughters dressed with a bit more dacency and didn't be showin' quite so much of themselves to the world.”

Sam noticed that Murphy had been sort of staring over her shoulder instead of looking directly at her. She blushed, not sure why this guy's judgment of her outfit got to her. She marched over to the mirror, noticing Murphy start to fade but giving her a warm smile of support as he did so.

Unlike the others, her reflection didn’t step out of the mirror; rather, as Sam looked into the mirror, it vanished, simply leaving a version of herself she had tried to put behind her. Knees curled up and hugged tightly against her chest, with her face buried in them, crying. Her hair was disheveled and unwashed, likely for days if not weeks. Looking at the reflection, she couldn’t help thinking, I look so weak. Right as her reflection, voiced something similar. “Why? Why weren’t we stronger? More vigilant? It’s ALL YOUR FAULT.” Her reflection screamed through teary eyes. “AND THEN YOU LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!?”

Sam recoiled from her reflection. Keep calm, this isn’t real. This isn’t real. Sam started to weakly defend herself, as anxiety rose in her chest, “That’s not—”

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO US! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM TAKE ADVANTAGE! HOW MANY OTHERS HAD THEIR LIVES SHATTERED ALL SO YOU COULD TRY AND PERSUE YOUR DREAM BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T EVEN BRING THEM TO JUSTICE!”

“They’ve been brought to justice.” Sam retorted.

“Years later! How many innocent women suffered because you wanted to play sailor!”

That angered Sam, truly angered her, enough that her worry was forgotten. “I’m not playing fucking dress-up cadet! AND NEITHER WERE YOU! NOW ATTENTION!”

Her reflection almost instinctively moved and stood at attention for a moment before her reality set back in. “Wait a second… FUCK YOU! YOU THINK YOU’RE MORE THAN ME? I KNOW THE TRUTH! Weak, pathetic, and alone. That’s what we are, what you are. YOU WOULDN’T EVEN GIVE THOSE PIGS WHAT THEY DESERVED WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!”

Sam’s mind was all jumbled, and she was definitely having an anxiety attack. She reflexively transformed into a dragon and slowly grew in size. “WEAK!” Sam slammed a claw into the ground, tearing through the stone with ease. “PATHETIC!” Sam roared at her reflection so forcefully that her reflection was knocked on her ass. “I’M A FUCKING DRAGON!” Sam let out a true roar that echoed through the entire temple.

“Now listen here, you little shit! I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me and beat it into me until I believed it if needed. STAND THE FUCK UP!” Her reflection quivered in fear but obeyed. “You are better than this, you deserve to be happy, and it’s not your fault. Things will get better.” Sam slowly started shrinking in size, down from her massive form, filling nearly half the room. “You will have people who will be there for you, and one day you’ll find a partner who loves you and makes you feel safe and treasured.” Sam was back to her human form. “We aren’t defined by what happened that night.” Sam hugged her reflection, “We were wounded and lashed out at everyone, including ourselves. As for those swine, I wouldn’t… I won’t let them influence who I want to be anymore.”

Her reflection pulled away from her. “If that were true, you’d be with your—”

Sam grabbed her reflection’s face. “Shut your mouth. I said, I won’t let them influence me anymore. Now tell me how to leave here, because I have somewhere I need to be.” Sam let her dragon aura flare, but didn’t actively target her reflection.

A moment later, the reflection disappeared, and the sound of glass shattering could be heard.

Cassandra stared at the monitor, in disbelief, then glared at Smug. “HOW DID SHE PASS!? IN WHAT WAY WAS THAT KIND!?”

Smug shrugged. “You said that she had to be kind to herself. That was the goal. I’ll be honest, I’m surprised she didn’t take more damage, but not that she passed the way she did. She stood up to her negative thoughts, and bolstered her own self image and confidence. To be honest, I was more worried that this would have gone very differently and she would have cracked. If anything, I question the odd timing of her getting a ghostly visitation.”

Cassandra shook her head, annoyed, “No, that makes sense. The spirits are intended to know secrets and give her guidance. I’ll admit there was supposed to be a greater frequency of annoying spirits compared to the helpful ones, but I think Mark scared them shitless, at least for a time.”

“Well, I guess you’ll be happy about this at least look.”

Sam appeared in the orb room with Laura and Talia, finding Talia quivering, holding on to Laura, and hiding behind her.

Laura immediately growled, “SAM, retract your aura!” Sam quickly retracted her aura. “Good. Now, are you alright? We heard you roar, and the entire room shook.”

“I’m fine. Great actually.” Sam’s eyes were narrow vertical slits at the moment.

Laura continued to stand between Sam and Talia. “Then why are you staring at Talia like she’s prey.”

Sam hadn’t realized it but she was staring at Talia and there was a low rumble in her chest. She broke her gaze and looked around for an exit finding one along one wall. “I’m sorry you two, but I’ve got somewhere I need to be. So I’m going to leave you both to finish up here. Sorry if that ends up being an issue.”

Sam made to leave but Laura asked, “Wait! Why? What?”

Talia pulled on Laura’s sleeve, “Leave it. Let her go.”

Sam smiled at Talia, “I’m sorry, Talia, if I frightened you.” Same caught a scent in the air. “Then again, I’m not completely convinced that is why you’re wobbly right now, considering what I smell. Sorry, Laura, but you’ll just have to carry Talia back.” Without waiting for a response, Sam shifted into a dragon and flew off fast enough to create a tailwind.

Laura looked at Talia, “What the fuck just happened? Where is she going?”

With Sam gone, Talia visibly relaxed some. “I’m pretty sure she’s going to go rip off all Mark’s clothes and screw him until we get back, and I have to kick her out of the room for my date night with him. Much like I’m about to do with you.” Laura was so caught off guard by the first half of what Talia said that her brain hadn’t processed the second half until Talia had already tackled her to the floor and her clothes were already halfway off.

Well, this turned out better than I could have hoped. Laura thought as she pulled Talia into a tight embrace.