The Golf Course

Brett: Okay, I've been biting my tongue for a while now, but what the fuck is going on? I was just about to go into a meeting with one of my vendors, when I got up and drove here. And you just made eagle on that. You've never played this good. You're 5 under and we're only on the fifth hole!

Dustin: Ah, if I really wanted to, I could have just hit a hole-in-one every hole, but that's no fun. I just edited my own code so that every swing of mine is a top 10 percent swing, and I can't misread a putt, so I'm just playing at the absolute best of my ability. No changes to my underlying athleticism or my golfswing. And you're my best golf buddy, so I decided to have you join me!

Brett: [stunned pause] What?

Dustin: Oh, a work buddy gave me absolute power over the workings of reality; Turns out we're just like little bits of code in some unimaginable computer program, yadda yadda yadda, I can change the structure of reality. I already had an orgy with my wife and my next-door neighbors, but I decided, really, if I can spend my time doing whatever the hell I want, I want to play some golf!

Brett: [stunned pause] What?

Dustin: Hey, remember like two years ago, the course was super busy, and we had to match up with another twosome, that pair of old ladies? Remember how much shit you gave me when Agnes beat me by a stroke?

[Dustin takes out his phone and begins typing away on it. A few seconds later, a golf cart drives up, driven by an old lady. She looks momentarily confused before shaking her head.]

Agnes: Wait, I was playing at Del Mar, and this isn't.... Hey, its you two! Been a while since this old lady showed you how to play? Y'know, I played in college back in the 60s.

Dustin: I'm sure I'd like to see that.

Agnes: It was a better time, back then. Proper young ladies. We didn't go out dressing like some tart. We came from good, honest families who deserved a college education. And of course, that's where I met Harold

Dustin: Oh, I'm sure you had some fun that you wouldn't tell the grandkids about.

Agnes: Excuse me?

Dustin: I'm sure you polished the head, and stroked the shaft, all in services of those little white balls. Just trying to keep a roof over your head!

Agnes: Young man, I may have been a banging hottie, but that doesn't mean that I was some sort of prostitute! I was...

[Dustin types a bit more on his phone]

Agnes: I was just a slutty co-ed. Every willie I sucked, every man I dragged back to the dorm to ride endlessly, I did because it was fun! And felt great! Now whip out your pecker and I'll show you!

Brett: I ask again, what the hell is going on?!