The Doom Wagon

Rilree was grinning from ear to ear after her statement, rocking back and forth on her heels.

John looked to Naoto, who just shrugged before looking back down at Rilree. “Is there any chance for negotiation?

“Nope!” Rilree said, popping the “P” loudly. “To be frank, that’s my baby you’re asking to borrow. Not only do I want to be there to make sure no Order fucks break anything on it, but someone will have to be there to do repairs if need be. Plus, if I want to do some upgrades to her… Point is, she’s mine and wherever she goes, I go.”

“You’ll have to excuse me for not jumping for joy that someone else is trying to **** their way into my little manhunt squad,” John said, crossing his arms. “I already have to take a prisoner I hate across the country. I don’t need to also be **** to take someone I know nothing about.”

“You mean aside from the Order fucks that Moira is bringing?” Rilree added with a smirk.

“Exactly. Look, I’ve already made half a dozen deals at this point that I am not happy about. Who I have to associate with, who I have to talk to, hell, even in what kinds of magic I have to fucking use. So pardon me for not being happy that I’m being **** into another goddamn deal,” John said with a slight growl.

Rilree just looked up at him with her same slightly manic grin. “Oh, my sweet summer child. You wouldn’t like dealing with the dawi then. An entire race of people looking to get the best profit when they aren’t settling generations long grudges. Or getting drunk. Or making really cool things that go boom.” She giggled slightly at her last phrase, giving off some mad inventor vibes.

“Great. A bunch of assholes who want nothing more than to cheat me in a deal. Wonderful,” John muttered.

“Look, you’re a late bloomer, right?” Rilree asked, to which John nodded. Said phrase had been explained to him as someone who developed his own magic later than most. “Well, for what it is worth, most late bloomers get a pretty bad deal when getting involved in the Abyss.”

“I’ve noticed,” John deadpanned, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Look, if it means having a mechanic on board and getting a really good vehicle, I’m not opposed to having you come along. But I want to know if there are any other stipulations in your deal.”

Rilree smiled. “Such as?”

“Who pays for the repairs, for one.”

Rilree put on a thoughtful face, leaning back against a wall while thinking. “Well, if we have someone clearly at fault for the break, I would prefer they paid directly. Like, if an Order fuckwit decided to stab a vital fuel tank because he thought it was muttering heresy, he has to pay for the repairs. But other than that…” Rilree trailed off in thought for a moment, her mouth moving rapidly without any words spoken as if she was doing complicated math far too quickly for John to follow. “For general wear and tear, I’ll cover it as a favor to Naoto. But anything big like having to use the BIG guns I will have to charge someone for. Either the Order or you guys. But that’s for you all to decide.”

John sighed. “Well, the Order has deep coffers. And I can probably use the dungeons to rack up some cash if need be.”

“The dungeons?” Rilree asked, raising an eyebrow while grinning mischievously. “I didn’t know you were a DM as a job. Though I guess when the gods give you a large weapon, you go where you can best use it.”

“NOT LIKE THAT!” John shouted, his face going red. “I meant the instant dungeon illusion barriers I can make. Like in a video game.”

At that statement, Rilree’s eyes went wide. “Wait. I must have been hearing you wrong because I thought you just said you can make illusion barriers.”

“Uh… yeah,” John said, confused.

It was then that Naoto jumped in. “He’s not an official Fateweaver, Rilree. He just has really weird powers that allow him to break some rules.”

“I’d fucking say so!” Rilree exclaimed. “I mean, holy shit, you can actually make illusion barriers?!”

“Why, is that rare?” John asked Naoto. “Everyone cares more about the other aspect of my powers that they usually don’t-”

“IS THAT RARE?!” Rilree yelled. “Motherfucker, you have an ability that only the most seasoned of Fateweavers can actually do! That’s like walking into an automotive class and on the first day saying you can perfectly replace an engine within a day!”

John remained silent for a moment before rubbing the back of his neck and saying, “... Is replacing an engine that hard?”

Rilree facepalmed. “Ugh. Fine. It’s, like…. I dunno, what’s something you’re into?”

“Video games. Writing. Music.”

“Fine. It’s like going into a music class, and while everyone is learning their scales, you walk over and play a perfect La Campanella on the piano.”

John’s eyes went wide. Granted, it had been years since he played the piano as he preferred the guitar and flute, but he knew enough about the piano to know that said musical piece was a nightmare to play. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh!” Rilree shouted. She then groaned and looked back towards the door, seeing it was still shut tight. “Okay, so here’s the deal. You personally don’t have to pay me for the replacements in my ammo stores or anything. But you have to take me to see some of these illusion barriers. And let me use them to test some things out from time to time.”

“Done,” John said. That was at least an easy request to fill. Hell, if she was to be traveling with them and they faced any danger, it would probably be best if the shortstack could fight alongside them. “But you’ll still bill the Order?”

Rilree grinned. “Well, the racist fucks didn’t exactly offer me the ability to explore some illusion barriers, did they?”

“Fair enough,” John said with a small chuckle.

“But we do need to ask that you keep John’s ability to make illusion barriers from your uncle,” Naoto interjected.

“Oh, trust me, I will. That old badger can’t ever keep his gob shut for more than 10 seconds once he gets a couple pints in, and if it were to get out that I know a not-Fateweaver Fateweaver, well every dawi from here to Nidavellir would be knocking on John’s door trying to get him for all he is worth. And unlike me or my uncle, they wouldn’t be nice about it.”

“Duly noted,” John muttered. “Should we go take a look at the… what was it called again?”

“Doom Wagon,” Naoto said. “I learned about it after Rilree used it to blow up some gang’s semi-truck when they… well, that’s a story for another day.”

“Oh, but what an explosion it made!” Rilree said as a childlike smile of wonder began to overtake her features. “I only wish I had installed the high speed camera at that point so I could rewatch that bombing over and over whenever I need that tasty dopamine rush.” She then gave a happy sigh and turned on a heel, walking over to the door. “Welp, c’mon. Let’s go take a look at it real quick. Oh, but one rule. No touching anything that’s being worked on.”

With that, Rilree pushed the door open to reveal… a garage. Granted, it was a rather busy garage with a couple of dwarves and even a human working on some of the cars that were in there, but it didn’t really impress John that much. One of the dwarves gave Rilree a small wave before turning back to the truck he was working on, and the other just gave her a nod of acknowledgement before going back to welding something on a rather nice looking cadillac. Rilree just gave them both nods before walking with a purpose between the two cars straight to another door in the back. John and Naoto followed, with John watching the human bringing the two dwarves each a flask which they thanked him for before taking a deep drink from.

‘I guess dwarves work while slightly drunk,’ John pondered to himself. He did note that the human had a pair of metal cuffs on, and while they weren’t held together by a chain, they still were clear demarcation of the man’s status in the garage.

“Do… Dawi keep slaves?” John asked Naoto in a hushed tone.

“Yes,” she replied back. “That guy had been selling parts to them, but had been cheating them out on a lot of deals and, according to the dwarves, owes them about half a million dollars with what he tried to pull. He stays with them and pays off his debt, and in return they don’t kill him.”

“That can’t possibly be legal though!” John almost shouted, but managed to keep his tone still to a whisper.

Naoto just shook her head sadly. “Unfortunately, it is. Remember how Rilree said that dwarves are amazing at cutting deals and getting a profit?”

John nodded, to which Naoto continued, “Well, they managed to find the most careful ways of bypassing any law we throw at them. Reclassifying the people, moving around where they actually live, hiding them in holds where we hold no jurisdiction… Honestly, we keep trying to catch them in one slip up to help free those they imprison but-”

“If you two are done gossiping like an old married couple,” Rilree said, standing by the other door with her hands on her hips, “I would love it if we could keep moving.”

“Right, sorry,” John said, quickly advancing across the garage floor. Rilree gave him a small nod before opening the second door, and beyond that was the more fantastical garage that John had expected to see the first time around. This room looked to easily be around 5 times the size of the normal garage, reminiscent of an airplane hangar rather than a garage. All around different dwarves were working on various machines and the like, with at least seven dwarves all on top of some zeppelin looking aircraft welding various bits of metal across its structure. Nearby those dwarves were two dawi holding clipboards while a third sat in a copper colored personal helicopter. The two dwarves on the ground were taking various notes while the hovercraft slowly rose and descended over and over.

“Holy cow… this is your guy’s garage?!” John exclaimed

Rilree nodded. “My uncle helped to found this place properly after he lost his last clan. It’s honestly a pretty quaint garage for the Dawi, but it certainly turns a profit,” Rilree said nonchalantly as she walked over towards the left hand side of the garage.

John meanwhile just sat there marveling at the idea that this was a small garage for the dawi. What must the full sized ones look like? What projects did they get up to in a garage of that size? Hell, what were they even doing in this garage. It was… astounding.

Meanwhile Naoto had followed Rilree without paying much mind to the impressive steampunk aesthetics around her. John quickly diverted his attention back to the two ladies, running to catch up as the two of them approached a rather old looking RV. Well, at least it kinda looked like an RV. However, as John got closer to the vehicle, he noticed that it had that same steampunk style that the rest of the vehicles in the shop had. Additionally all the windows were super tinted aside from the front windshields, making it impossible to see inside. And finally, as he rejoined Naoto and Rilree, he saw there were several seams and small hinges all over the vehicle. Like little bits that could pop out to reveal something.

“I take it this is the Doom Wagon?” John asked, to which Rilree nodded in response.

“Although it’s more in Wagon mode than Doom mode right now,” Rilree said before pulling out a remote. “Wanna see Doom mode?”

John nodded, causing Rilree to grin like a madwoman as she pressed the big red button on the remote. Instantly, several of the hinged areas that John had noticed flung open to reveal racks upon racks of missiles, dozens of machine guns, lasers followed by more bombs, and even a few bandoliers of dynamite that seemed to be in little catapults on the sides. Rilree began to cackle as she hit more buttons, causing more and more guns to appear out of the thing. The wagon even began to grow in size, going from about 8 feet wide to 10 to 12 to 14, and when it got even wider than that, spikes began to pop out of random locations as if to turn it into an unstoppable fortress of ****. By the time it ended, it was easily large enough to take up multiple lanes of traffic, assuming there would be any road by the time the dozens of missiles, guns, lasers, and bombs destroyed it to nothing but ash.

Rilree looked up at John with a maniacal grin. “Sooooo? Is it Doom-y enough for you?”

John just stood there, mouth agape as he looked at the monstrous bringer of destruction and doom. “How… how did you-”

“Dwarven folding magic,” Rilree said with a smile. “Similar to what was used on Skidbladnir, though not nearly as well. That ship has the ability to fold to the size of a small napkin while also being one of the fastest ships in the realms.”

“Wait, so it's a Tardis?” John asked.

“I mean, it is bigger on the inside,” Rilree said with a wave of her hand. “But not to that extent. And it can’t time travel. Or alter the fabric of the time stream. And it’s not blue. But other than that, it’s kinda like a Tardis.”

John took a few steps closer to the Doom Wagon before softly asking, “Can we go inside?”

Rilree smiled wide, giving him a small nod. However, as John walked towards the Doom Wagon, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning back, he saw Naoto, who had a warm smile on her face but was gesturing towards the door.

“I’ve seen the Doom Wagon before, and one of us should go tell Moira about having some transportation.”

“You could just text her,” John said.

“True, but I also should see how the negotiations about Callie are going. Plus, if they have a location or two, I might be able to help with planning a route. I have a few allies that I can contact in different states if you all need a place to rest and refuel. Not to mention I will have to talk with my supervisor about even getting to go on this whole journey.” Naoto gave a small smile before tipping her hat. “I’ll shoot you a text with updates once I get them. You have a Doom Wagon to check out.”

Before John could respond, Rilree had run over and grabbed John’s arm. “No worries, Naoto! I’ll take care of your little boy toy here real good!” She then smiled up at John, showing all of her pointy teeth while giving John a great view down her coveralls.