The Crusader, by maxback

“Ugh, I was hoping this stupid story would finally sink into obscurity. But, no, of course there has to be just that one fucker who drudges it up again.”

“And I am quite happy to. Letting this story end with Rina and Ben doing the final review just wouldn’t sit well with me.”

“Yeah, yeah we know the drill, what dumb shit we get this time?”

“Today, we are reading The Crusader, by maxback”

“The crusades Marcie? Your telling me this is a fucking sex story about the fucking crusades! What’s next? Jesus cruxification bondage?”

“Ah the crusades, Christianities dumbest adventure. This one is set during the first crusade, the only one of them who actually accomplished something of note. And we follow Michael, the merciless on his journey to Jerusalem.”

“So another dickhole protagonist. Let’s see how this one stacks up in my ranking.”

“You have a ranking?”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

On the putrid planes of Antioch lie the fallen followers of The Cross. Scattered like wildflowers, they rot under the sun as rats scurry from Christan corpse to the next.

“Yeah, great sex story you got there, pal. I’m getting wet already.”

“Also a typo in the very first sentence. That is usually not a good sign. Regardless, we can choose between backstory or joining the crusade right away. What do you want, Gina?”

“I’m not reading this nerd’s backstory, lets hop right in with the crusading.”

“…”

“THIS IS JUST A FUCKING LIKE BEGGING CHAPTER!”

“Seems so”

“And there is not even a crusade to join in! That’s the latest chapter! What the fuck author!”

“Guess he really wants us to read the backstory.”

“Grrrr.”

“So when Prince Bohemond, our Frankish overload, “

“pffft.”

“Har har.”

“The funny part is, I can’t tell if this is a mistake or intentional. Always good when a story about and conquest starts out on a funny note. But I digress, we get introduced to our main man Michael who is a bit of a scoundrel right away. He gets more or less into the crusades but didn’t mind it very much.”

All I ask for, reader, is patience, my friend. Patience. You will be rewarded with all the perverted riches this quill can offer.

Your time will cum. For now, consider this foreplay.

“This Michael fucker is the cringiest nerd imaginable. The guy wouldn’t last a day in highschool. I bet he got bullied there. That’s why he joined the crusades.”

“There is however a, probably unintentionally, comedic aspect to the fact that this is a retelling from Michael’s own perspective of his glory days where he tries to convince the readers that he did indeed have lots of sex.”

“I wouldn’t call it funny. More sad and pathetic.”

“But at the very least this is a promise that there will be sex later. Good for you, Gina!”

“Marcie, this is chapter 3 and the first two chapters where basically a paragraph. Not even I complain that fucking fast about not sex!”

“Eventually, our host of crusaders see their first taste of battle. Michael turns out to be a fairly skilled warrior and kills a bunch of people. This got him the attention of their leader. Prince Bohemond or Boemond. The author didn’t seem to have made up his mind yet.”

“By the power invested in me. I bestow on you the name, Michael the Merciless, and promote you to my bodyguard. Arise, Michael... Michael the Merciless.”

“Ok, I was expecting him to get the name after massacring a bunch of orphans or something. This fucker just defended himself and get called the merciless for it. Kind of a shitty title.”

“Hm yes, Michael went from cook to bodyguard of the prince with seemingly little effort. It definitely feels somewhat unearned. At any rate, the treck to Antioch continues.

“Ok, this is chapter six. NOW I complain about the lack of sex. Why not include a bunch of hot female muslim warriors in that attack that Michael can ? Jesus fuck, author! It’s not that hard!”

“Michael arrives at Antioch, the first somewhat major settlement the crusaders would conquer. But not after a bit of trouble.”

“Non erotic trouble.”

In a act we catapult Muslim prisoners against the city walls… and laugh as they splat against the sandstone walls.

“I would argue that this will only embolden the defenders will to resist and is an utterly idiotic move. But then again, this is the crusades. Everything about them is born from idiocy.”

But as I said, we did have hope… we had Bohemond. The warrior Prince. Victor of Nicea, Dorylaeum and countless victories in Europe.

A man so tall and powerful some thought Bohemond a giant. So brave, others thought him mad.

But those who really knew Bohemond thought of him as an astute individual and a natural leader of men.

“Are we sure Michael is not actually gay? He sure likes to suck this guys dick.”

“That would make for quite the twist. But continuing the story, Prince Bohemund finally decides to take the city by trickery. Luckily, he has a man on the inside, so a raiding party is assembled to scale the walls.”

As agreed, Forouz was to be spared, but no clemency would be given to the guards

I march Firouz down the stone staircase to open the small butt-door on the ground floor. Once the door opens, I kick the treacherous cunt over the threshold and into the night.

“The fuck was that all about! Why include that bit of being spared when you kill him anyways!””

“Notice the different spelling of the name. At this point I wonder if it’s intentional.”

“I’m more concerned with the , Marcie. I guess Michael really wanted to live up to the title his sugar daddy gave him.”

“Hm yes, it does appear like Michael just did that on a whim. Which is a bit of a gutsy move considering that traitor had connections with the prince. But of course nothing comes of it.”

“Told you he and Bohemund are lovers. It’s probably the only sex we get out of this shit.”

“Well, I don’t know Gina. The city swiftly falls and we are told about taking place. We are just not shown it...yet.”

“Ok, looks like Michael finally decided to maybe sorta try that thingie himself and we get three choices but two of them sounds unsexy as fuck, so let’s choose the Harem...oh wait it’s just more fucking fighting! Because of course it is! Why would a chapter called the harem not involve more fighting!”

“Hold it, Gina."

“Ugh. What is it, Marcie?”

“This story is told from the perspective of Michael. It is in essence a historical account written after the fact.”

“Yes.”

“Then there shouldn’t be any choices in it.”

“What do you mean, there shouldn’t be any choices in it? That’s the whole fucking gimmick of this site!”

“But it ruins the artistic integrity of the work!”

“There is none of that in the first place. Just as there is no sex. My pussy is as dry as a Damascus lawn.”

“Uh! Nice one, Gina.”

“So, Michael kills two more fucks, gets into the harem and finally meets a woman. Wow! There are actually women in this sex story! I’m amazed!”

“The woman Morgane, happens to be in charge of the harem and negotiates with Michael.”

“For someone called the merciless Michael sure is very merciful to the first woman he met. Maybe the author should read something from engin on how to write a war criminal.”

“What it winds down to is that we can choose between getting a sex or have sex with the head mistress here.”

“Meaning another choice. I picked the sex because that sounds sexy and that was the latest chapter! Great another story without any sex! We done!”

“Gina please.”

“Oh no, Marcie. We reached over ten chapters! Not my fault the only thing sexy in here are gay undertones.”

“Eh, we can do a bit more. Come on what’s the harm?”

“OH GUESS WHAT! THE OTHER OPTION ALSO STOPS AFTER ONE CHAPTER! WITHOUT ANY SEX!”

“Huh.”

“I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN ONE OF THE UNSEXY OPTIONS INSTEAD OF THE ONE CALLED THE FUCKING HAREM!”

“We could go back.”

“Fuck you, Marcie! That guy can request a follow up like every other chump! I’m done.”

“You do realize that means more reading later?”

“That’s a problem for future Gina.”

“Well then, present Gina. What’s your take on the story?”

“This cheeky fucker just wanted to write a war story disguised as porn.”

“That does seem to be the case, doesn’t it? He really should have provided that link at the start to skip the backstory.”

“Assuming there’s even sex in this in the first place.”

“Well, but then again, the chapters are fairly short, so it’s not a terribly long windup. And the story is fairly new, I do think just stopping right before the sexual stuff was a bit of a poor choice.”

“Oh, you think?”

.”The odd spelling error aside, the writing itself is not horrible. Although the style feels a bit too modern sometimes. In particular the chapter where he talks with Morgane is a bit egregious. Stuff like “Shit happens.” and “Fuck off, lady.” feels out of place in a story set during the middle ages.”

“Also calling your protagonist fucking Mike.”

“That name is fairly ancient, Gina.”

“Yeah, right.”

“So, Gina where does Michael, the merciless rank in your scumbag protagonist rating?”

“Eh, not very high. I put him just barely above the sissy cuck from “you want to her in a brutal way” but below King Edward. And definitely below Arthur. (The one from Advanced Fantasy. The other one is pretty far down.) I would say he is on par with Fred and Metsu. He does beat the last Michael in slimyness though. But he doesn’t hold a candle to Doom, Jack Dingle, Aiden, that throatfucker asshole or the worst of them all...Tom. And that’s only counting the guy side of things.”

“…”

“What?”

“I’m just amazed you managed to retain all these names. I mean, not even I remember half of them.”

“I can hold a grudge for a very long time, Marcie. Also, fuck you, Sarckle!”

“Right, well on that note, I guess all that’s left to say is...what Michael wasn’t. Have a. Pffft. Good night.”

“Deus vult or whatever.”