The Anti-Zach Brigade

Every COBOL program has four divisions: Identification, environment, data, and procedure.

BOOTSTRAP LOADER
INITIALIZE COUNT

CONDITION 1: ..(P)er the Initial Abstract governing this Project, all parties agree that the safety and security of the Dominion of Canada be paramount at every stage; therefor[/BREAK]

CONDITION 14.3 (proposed to limit exposure; no record of ratification):
As stated in CCofC 184(1) “Every one who, by means of any electro-magnetic, acoustic, mechanical or other device, willfully intercepts a private communication is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years.”

fps cob_intercept.pas

AT CALL
badsubr { varbl = 50;
GO BYPASS; }

CONNECTION METHOD AND DETAILS NOT INCLUDED IN HEADERS (see: Appendix C)
TRANSCRIPT FOLLOWS

(Unknown Subject 1; metadata hashed) “Oh, hello? Hello? You there?”

(Unknown Subject 2; metadata hashed) “Hello? Dad? Yes I’m here-”

(garbled, cross talk)

UNSUB1: “Good, I can hear you know. My phone was all static, odd.”

UNSUB2: “Well, you are the only person I know with a landline still, you’re at the cottage? My phone didn’t actually say who was calling, just a blank space, that’s… uh that is odd.”

UNSUB1: “No, I’m on my cell. Look, your mother and I haven’t spoken to you in a few weeks, she was getting concerned. I told her you were doing great in Toronto, I’m sure, no issues at all with your new life -”

UNSUB2: “Yeah, yeah, well, uh, sure I guess. Things are - actually, things are kind of hectic and new here, I have some new friends. Good friends. Very g-”

UNSUB1: “Glad to hear it, I’ll let her know it’s all good. Your brother is well, just got a promotion, actually!”

UNSUB2: “Yeah, I saw his social media. And a couple of random group chat comments from you guys filled in the blanks.”

UNSUB1: “At his age, it’s a very nice bump. Gets a corporate vehicle, the whole nine.”

UNSUB2: “Yeah, it’s very im-”

UNSUB1: “I know, you had a very good position at Wakefield before it all - well before it all. Not that your current job is lesser, we totally understand why you would want to take a step back, temporarily, from the corporate grind.”

UNSUB2: “Yeah. Is Mom there, by the way?”

UNSUB1: [muffled talking] “No, she is isn’t just now. Your brother is back in town, one of his old friends is getting married this weekend.”

UNSUB2: “Ah I see. Well, I’m liking Toronto and actually I did meet some really cool people, at work. One of them actually had the office next to mine, I think I mentioned her in an email to Mom, I just wanted to I guess tell you bo-”

UNSUB1: [muffled talking] “Hang on, shit.” [indistinct conversation, banging sound]

UNSUB2: “Dad? You there?”

UNSUB1: [background music] “Bloody hell, hang on - no not you, I said I was told on the phone that my car would be ready now, in the morning. Is it still morning here? Am I in a different time zone somehow? Naturally, I’ll need to check out the repairs before I pay you.”

UNSUB2: “Dad. I’m still here.”

UNSUB1: “Fuck, sorry Zach, no one cares about customer service anymore, that’s for damned sure. I gotta run, these ghouls will bleed you dry if you let them, talk soon.”

UNSUB2: “No pro-” [DISCONNECT]
===RESET:===

The walk back from A Pizza My Heart is a memory you’ll think back on for the rest of your life. Just those five minutes.

Jayne and Karissa are beside you on the sidewalk toward Bathurst Health. The day is gorgeous, the women are chatting and laughing, and the odd feeling that overcame you earlier is forgotten. When someone else is walking the other way down the sidewalk you let the other two get ahead of you to make space, and you just enjoy listening to Karissa’s bubbly voice as she excitedly tells Jayne about a new musician she follows on Insta. Jayne is gamely nodding along, but you can tell she is (almost) as lost as you are at Karissa’s hyper-detailed genre breakdown. The singer is R&B, but not really, basically.

“So, what music do you listen to Jayney?”

The (slightly) older woman almost stops, throwing you a panicked glance over her shoulder at the guileless question from a beautiful, 19-year-old woman.

“Me? Oh, uh, jeez I dunno, nothing special,” Jayne tries to shrug it off but Karissa is genuinely curious about her girlfriend. Your girlfriend. Girlfriends? “I like just basic girl club music, I like to dance. At home I, uh, listen to all kinds of stuff. The stuff that was popular when I was a teenager I guess, I loved The Strokes. You can dance to it, ya know…” Jayne trails off and turns to look at you, seeking your help. But you are far too smart to just voluntarily show Karissa how painfully unhip your 29-year-old ass is.

Nodding slowly, Karissa says, “The Strokes,” almost to herself, like the words are completely foreign to her, “Yeah, that’s pretty fun music. I think one of their songs was in a dancehall reggae mashup that went mildly viral, it was in that old iPod commercial, right?”

You almost bite your lip to stop a giggle from escaping at Jayne’s expression of pure regret, but she snaps her gaze on you and stops walking, forcing Karissa to halt and you to almost bump into them both. “Well, what about you Pritchard? What music do you listen to?”

With a casual air, you dodge for all you’re worth. “I’m boring, I listen to a lot of podcasts. Hockey, politics, you know. And I enjoy classical music, and ambient playlists at work. I need chill background music to work to, if it’s too up-tempo or has singing I get distracted.”

A valiant attempt, but doomed.

“That makes sense, but what about when you’re not at work?” Karissa asks, “Do you like pop music? Hip hop? Like, rock music?”

“Pritchard strikes me as a classic rock kind of dude, maybe he loves the oldies, the Stones, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, he’s an old soul,” Jayne says, her lips twitching at your failed effort to not talk about your musical tastes. Stupid instant karma.

Karissa giggles and you are the one on the back foot, “Not really, no! I mean, I listen to some older stuff, sure, not that old though, uh, jeez, lemme see…” Come on Zach, think of one cool band. Just one. Ok, never mind that, can you think of one song that is not lame and super popular but might make it seem like you have admirably good taste?

Nope. Nothing.

“Oh!” Karissa says, all bubbly-excited, “We should have a movie night! I love old movies, like The Hobbit, we can learn what kind of movies and music and stuff we like!”

Jayne and Karissa have started walking again, and you are only a half block from the back door to BHC. Hmm. Maybe this afternoon you can Google popular current musicians and do some research about new singers who are R&B but not really R&B, stuff that will make you sound less like an old fossil. And thank god you realized that Karissa was talking about the actual movie The Hobbit - which low-key sucked - and not the older Lord of the Rings movies, which to her are probably no different from black and white silent films. Maybe the three of you can start powering through the LotR trilogy? Yeah, you could do the extended versions, the three of you snug on a couch watching an hour or two a night.

That would be… incredible.

At the steps into the building, your phone rings. The contact info is blank, and Jayne pauses at the door. You shake your head and they go on without you while you hit Accept.

A few minutes later you are walking up the staircase to the third floor. The conversation, if you could call it that, with your father has had its usual effect on you and the giddy joy you felt at lunch with Karissa and Jayne has dimmed. No, fuck it, you are going to just ignore the call and focus on the good things. The great things. Let the past be the past.

Instead of heading right to your office, you take a detour to the break room to get a drink from the vending machine. It is still 10 minutes to 1:00 pm, and the room is half full of women - and Jameson Cano, can’t ignore one of the small handful of dudes on the entire floor - sitting around chatting and finishing lunch. At a table near the door is a quartet of nurses who don’t seem to care for you much, but you ignore them.

In fact, Karissa, in her green top and knee-length skirt (do NOT think about her pink panties underneath, and definitely do not think about watching her play with her cute shaved pussy not even two hours ago!) is standing near the refrigerator talking and gesturing happily with Kyrie, one of her fellow clerks.

As you entered the room, you paused absent-mindedly to see how to cut through the milling crowd toward the old drink machine. Before you start moving again you hear an ‘ugh’ of disgust, followed by a nasty chuckle. Alice Voronkov, head of the Anti-Zach Brigade for whatever reason, is staring at you, her face twisted in a sneer. She had made sure to make her disapproval just loud enough that you could hear it, and the woman she was facing has turned around to give you a smirk as well.

Just walk away, Zachary. You did nothing to this woman, so whatever her bizarre beef is with you does not need to be your problem. You have your own shit going on. You can just ignore her and go grab a Coke Zero and retreat to your office and worry about the magical evil computer program that may or may not try to kill you and everyone you love.

“… just so typical of his type, though,” Alice is talking to her tablemates but raises her voice just loud enough again that you can partially hear her and, more importantly, you can tell she is talking about you.

Not your fight, Pritchard.

Not even 20 feet away, Karissa has turned to face you, and she is now looking at Alice and her friends as they scowl and glare daggers your way.

You know what, fuck this shit.

“Alice, is there a problem you have with me I should know about?” You don’t say it loudly, but several people closest to the rude nurses hear you and they all go quiet.

She is thrown off for a moment by your direct question, but Alice’s face hardens and she sits up straight in her chair. “Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing you don’t already know.” Her voice is cutting, and you are again surprised at the venom in her stare. You don’t do well with conflict, not like this, and you decide to just ignore it after all. Your face is turning pink with embarrassment when you notice movement to your right side.

Jayne is there, having entered the room just after you, and she takes in the scene with a glance, sees the audience, and turns squarely to face Alice as she says, “Whatever your problem is, perhaps at least pretend to be an adult at work about it. I’m sure Zach has done nothing to you.” She may not have heard everything, but clearly, she heard enough.

No one is talking in the break room now, and an ugly look twists the nurse's otherwise handsome features. “Of course, you would take his side, Jayne. Everyone knows you are quite chummy with him lately! Not sure what you see in this asshole, but you never had much taste in men, did you?”

A gasp from the room as the conflict enters a new, exciting phase for the 15 random folks watching. But while you may have ignored Alice, belatedly, for her rudeness to you you sure as shit will not stand there and let her insult Jayne.

“Look, Alice, I have no clue what your problem is, but if you have something to say, say it to me.”

Alice sneers, “I have nothing to say to a deadbeat piece of shit.” More audible gasps from the crowd, and you feel a wave of total confusion sweep over you.

“Wait, what-” you start to say, genuinely at a loss. No, not… no.

But the perpetually angry nurse, feeling the thrill of the crowd’s sudden shock, stands up and scoffs at Jayne. “That’s right, I wonder if your little secret boyfriend told you about his real secret? The family he abandoned? The child he left behind, without a care, when he moved to Toronto?”

The shocked bluster of low talking from the audience is sudden and deafening to you. You can tell you aren’t breathing, not properly, and your heart is beating hard enough to explode out of your chest. Your vision dims as you feel panic and dismay surge up around you like a rising flood.

“Look at him! Guess you can’t just waltz into a new job and pretend you aren’t scum anymore! I remember your first week, how you told people you weren’t married, didn’t have a family. Turns out, you have a wife and kid, you just discarded them in whatever shitty town you lived in before you decided to start a brand new life. No child support, no divorce, no separation, just ghosted them, didn’t you?”

Her eyes wide in shocked confusion, Jayne can only turn to you, when a young blonde woman in a green sweater rushes past, her arm cocked to throw a punch, and Karissa is yelling “SHUT UP!” as she lunges by on her way to get at Alice.

The world opens up beneath your feet, and you feel yourself start to fall. No, no no no nonono.