Testing the Affection Multiplier: The Bagel Trick

The Affection Multiplier constant is currently set to 2. What the fuck does that mean, and how can I tell if people are actually building affection to me more quickly than usual?

There are three ways in which I’m going to test this. I'll trust this thing if it passes all three (it’s important to pre-register and pre-commit to your hypotheses, kids).

First, the bagel trick.

New York is full of little coffee-and-bagel shops. The one I’m in is not a chain store; this is important, because, as I learned while unemployed and often employing the bagel trick, people in chain stores have managers that hold them accountable.

There’s an old guy sitting behind the deli counter, staring at the baseball game airing on the TV hanging in the corner. I’ve cleaned up a little, showering and shaving and putting on a fresh shirt, and I make my way up to the front.

“What canna I get you today?” he asks, Italian accent dripping from his voice. I flash an easy smile at the old chap.

“Just a regular bagel, plain cream cheese on the side, if you please.”

“Toasted?”

“Yeah,” I say, cracking my knuckles. The man nods and shuffles off, doing his thing. I look at the candies on display. The Twix bar looks good today, and I snag one.

“Ah, here we go,” the man says a moment later, handing me a plain paper bag with the bagel and cream cheese inside. “A dolla ninety-nine.”

I take the bag and nod appreciatively, reaching into my back pocket for my wallet. I frown. I reach into my other back pocket. I check my front pockets. My frown deepens.

"Crap, I think I’ve forgotten my wallet,” I say. “I can come back later and pay.”

The man gives me a brief look, and then he nods. “Fine, fine.”

“Sorry,” I say, holding up the Twix bar. “Do you mind if I snag this one for now too? I’m dead hungry. Woke up late today, forgot to fix myself breakfast, and that must have been why I forgot to grab my wallet too.”

The look this time is harder. I give him an apologetic shrug. Eventually, he sighs, and I know that I’ve won. He sits back in his chair and stares at the TV, while I head out. They always let you get away with the bagel. It’s the chocolate that’s the real test.

The second shop I go into has got a young lady behind the counter. Moderately attractive, a little plain, dark hair done up in a ponytail. One of her coworkers is busy setting out some baked goods.

“Could I get a regular bagel, plain cream cheese on the side?”

“Sure,” she says, taking down the order. “Toasted?” I nod, biting back a flirtatious comment. This isn’t the time to be risking things. The coworker finishes putting out the last croissant and moves to toast my bagel. There’s nobody else in the little shop right now. I pick up a Snickers bar, and tap it against my leg while the bagel toasts.

The bagel trick, as I’ve come to realise over the years, works about half the time. If the affection multiplier really is real, then it would stand to reason that this thing will have a 100% success rate now. My plan is to hit four shops. If less than three shops bite, then I might just have to wipe my current laptop and all traces of the strange application.

“Bagel for two forty-nine,” the girl says, handing me my bagel.

I gracefully accept it (it’s important to already be holding it in your hand when you make your ‘discovery’), and then fumble around for a wallet that’s not there.

“Something up?” she asks.

“Yeah, crap, I think I’ve forgotten my wallet. I can come back later and pay.”

“Oh no, you hand that bag right back to me,” she says, and I freeze for a second. “Come on now, or I’m calling the cops.” I slowly hand the bag back to her with wide eyes. “You come back with the money, we give this back to you.”

I could have fought her for the bagel, but there was no way she would get me the chocolate at that point. Fuck. How’d this get screwed up?

“No need to hold on to it, I won’t be coming back,” I say with an attitude to match hers, and I surreptitiously pocket the Snickers bar on my way out. Fuck. The next two have to work out now.