Tapping, as of some one gently rapping...

By Thursday, Rebecca had apparently decided that subtlety was for people who lacked confidence. Unfortunately, she had plenty of confidence.

She texted me before school to ask what I was doing that evening. When I told her I had homework, she sent back a sad face, followed by a message saying she supposed she could always come over and keep me company while I worked. I told her I’d be fine. She sent me a heart.

I stared at it for several seconds before putting my phone away.

At school, she found me between classes and slipped her arm through mine as though it were the most natural thing in the world. She stayed beside me until I reached my next lesson, ignoring the fact that Michael and Lyndsay were walking on my other side.

“See you later,” she said, squeezing my arm.

“Yeah. See you.”

She kissed my cheek.

Michael watched her walk away. “Well,” he said.

“Don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were about to.”

“I was about to say that your best friend seems to have developed a sudden and inexplicable interest in your personal space.”

“She’s always been affectionate.”

“Not like that.”

Lyndsay nodded. “He’s right. It’s different.”

I shrugged, trying to look unconcerned. It wasn’t that I hadn’t noticed. Of course I had. Rebecca had spent years being perfectly comfortable around me, but this was something else. The difference was that I had spent years convincing myself that her affection meant nothing more than friendship. I’d been friend-zoned too hard in the past. I wasn’t about to undo all that work because she’d started kissing my cheek. Especially when I still had no idea what was happening with Trish.

Friday was worse.

Rebecca met me at my locker, stole my phone while I was putting a book away, and took a selfie of us. Then she made me look at it.

“Cute,” she announced.

“Give me my phone.”

“Look at us.”

“I’ve seen us before, Rebecca.”

“We make a good-looking couple.”

I reached for the phone. “Rebecca.”

She held it out of reach. “What? I’m just saying.”

“You’re just saying a lot of things lately.”

She smiled, but there was something almost nervous beneath it. “Maybe I’ve got a lot to say.”

Before I could work out what to do with that, the bell rang. She handed my phone back, kissed my cheek, and disappeared into the crowd. I spent the rest of the day wondering what she was playing at. By the time I got home, I’d decided that I wasn’t going to spend another evening analysing Rebecca’s every word and gesture. If she wanted to tell me something, she could tell me. Until then, I had better things to think about.

Or, at least, I tried to convince myself I did. Trish had still not replied to any of my messages. That was the part I couldn’t stop thinking about. I’d tried to tell myself she was busy. College was demanding, and she had her own life. I understood that. But it was difficult not to notice that she seemed perfectly capable of talking to everyone else.

She’d told Heather about my injury at the mall. She’d come to my house and hang out with Heather. She’d apparently decided that I was the one person she didn’t want to speak to. And I had absolutely no idea why. As if to prove my point, Trish came over that afternoon. I knew because I heard her voice from the kitchen while I was in my bedroom. For a moment, I thought I’d imagined it. Then I heard Heather laugh, followed by Trish saying something I couldn’t quite make out.

I sat up on my bed. She was here. In my house. After days of ignoring me, she was sitting out in the living room, talking to my sister as though nothing had happened. I picked up my phone and checked it again. Nothing.

“Unbelievable,” I muttered.

I considered going out to say hello. Then I imagined the awkwardness of walking out in front of Heather and trying to have a conversation with someone who had made it abundantly clear she didn’t want one. So, I stayed where I was. I didn’t come out for supper.

As the evening wore on, I heard them moving around the house. They ate dinner, watched something on television, and eventually disappeared into Heather’s room. I could hear the occasional burst of laughter through the wall. I decided I’d go to bed early.

It was nearly ten when I heard a soft tapping against my bedroom window. I wasn’t asleep yet; I couldn’t. I closed my eyes. Of course. I knew who it was before I even looked. Rebecca’s face appeared in the dark through the glass, her hair falling around her shoulders. When I opened the window, she smiled at me as though she hadn’t spent the past week turning my life into a confusing mess.

“Hi.”

“Rebecca. The time. It’s nearly ten.”

“I know.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Visiting my best friend.” She climbed through the window before I could come up with a response.

I stepped back to give her room, then shut the window. I didn’t bother turning the light on. Perhaps that would give her the hint I wasn’t interested in company.

“You could have come earlier.”

“I was busy.”

“With what?”

“Things.”

“Very informative.” I went back to my bed and pulled the covers back over my legs.

Then she noticed the shopping bag tucked beside my wardrobe.

“Oh! I forgot about that.”

She picked it up and pulled out the pyjamas she’d bought during our shopping trip. They were soft, pale blue, and decorated with little white snowflakes. Even in the dark I could remember what they looked like. I recalled her insisting that they were adorable while I’d stood outside the changing room pretending not to care.

“You left those here,” I said.

“I know. I was wondering where they’d got to.”

“They’ve been right there for days.”

“Good thing I came to collect them, then.” She put the bag down and started getting changed.

“Rebecca.”

“What? Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You’ve seen me in changing rooms.”

In the darkness, I could just make out the outline of her body. I watched as she undid her jeans and slid them down off her legs. There was a pause, and then she stepped out of her panties as well.

I had to clear the catch in my throat so that I could speak. “That doesn’t mean you should be changing in my bedroom at ten o’clock at night.”

There was a brief pause. Then she laughed. “It’s not as if you can see me anyway.”

To prove her point, Rebecca lifted her top off over her head. There was a rustle of elastic being undone, and then her bra came flying across my room in the dark to land next to me. I picked it up. It still held the heat of Rebecca’s body. I threw it on the floor.

I found I couldn’t look away as I stared at the silhouette of my childhood crush standing naked in my bedroom. She bent down, retrieved her pyjamas again and started getting dressed no more than ten feet away from me.

“Comfortable?” I asked.

“Very.”

“Great. Now you can go home.”

“Wow. You’re welcoming tonight.”

“I’m tired.”

“Then I’ll keep you company.”

“That’s not how being tired works.”

She ignored me and climbed onto my bed. I watched her pull the duvet back beside me and settle against my pillows.

“Rebecca.”

“What?”

“That’s my bed.”

“I know.”

“And I’m going to sleep in it.”

“So will I.”

I stared at her.

She patted the space beside her. “Come on. I just want to hang out.”

It was the sort of thing she’d said a thousand times before. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought much of it. We’d spent countless evenings sitting together, talking about school, watching films, or doing absolutely nothing. But lately, everything she did seemed to come with a second meaning.

“Look, I’m not sharing a bed with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m going to sleep.”

“Exactly. You can sleep. I’ll be quiet.”

“You’ve never been quiet a day in your life.”

She threw a pillow at me. “Just lie down, please?” she said. “I’ll be gone in fifteen minutes.”

There was something in her asking that made me hesitate. She sounded almost vulnerable for a moment, and I felt the familiar tug of affection that had kept me by her side for most of my life. She was Rebecca. My best friend. The girl I’d loved for as long as I could remember. And despite everything, I still found it difficult to tell her no.

I lay back down and pulled the cover back up around me. “Happy?”

“Very.” She snuggled under the duvet and rested her head against my shoulder.

I lay there stiffly, staring at the ceiling. “This is weird,” I said.

“No, it isn’t.”

“It is when you keep acting like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like…” I stopped.

Like you want something from me. Like you’ve suddenly decided I’m worth looking at. Like you’re giving me everything I spent years wanting, now that I’ve started trying to move on.

“Never mind.”

She lifted her head to look at me. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

“Yeah. I know.”

She settled down again. For a while, we lay in silence. Then her breathing slowed.

I glanced down. “Rebecca?”

No response.

I shifted slightly. “Are you asleep?”

She didn’t move.

I let out a quiet breath. Typical. She’d insisted on coming over, insisted on getting into my bed, and now she’d fallen asleep before we’d even had thirty seconds of conversation.

“Rebecca,” I said again, a little louder.

Nothing.

I gently nudged her shoulder. “Come on. You can’t stay here all night.”

She remained motionless.

I sighed and tried to sit up. I’d have to rouse her properly and get her to head back home.

That was when she moved. Her hand slid down from my stomach and came to rest over my crotch, forming around the length of my cock. I froze. For a second, I genuinely couldn’t believe what she’d done. I felt her squeeze and start to slowly slide her hand along the length of my shaft.

Then I grabbed her wrist and moved her hand away. “Rebecca.” I flicked on the light beside me.

She opened her eyes. “Hmm?”

“What the hell are you doing?”

She looked at me, her expression innocent. “What?”

“Don’t do that.”

She sat up slightly. “I was just—”

“No. Don’t.”

Her expression changed. The playfulness disappeared, replaced by something more serious. “Why are you being like this?”

I stared at her. “Are you actually asking me that?”

“I thought you liked me.”

The words hit harder than they should have. Because I did like her. Of course I did. I’d loved her for years. I’d spent countless nights imagining what it would be like if she ever looked at me the way I looked at her. But that didn’t mean she could climb into my bed, pretend to be asleep, and put her hand on me when she thought I wouldn’t object.

“Liking you doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want.”

She looked genuinely taken aback. “Kat told me you were interested in someone else. That’s why you two couldn’t go out.” Her voice was getting louder, becoming more emotional. “You’re in love with someone else. That’s me! I’m the someone else.” She was being shrill by now.

“Oh God, Rebecca.”

Kat had told her the truth. She’d just interpreted it the wrong way.

“I’ve been giving you all these chances to make your move, but you just won’t do it. I did it for you!”

I could feel the frustration that had been building for days finally spilling over. The shopping trip. The photographs. The comments about us being a couple. The constant touching. The kisses. The way she kept appearing at my window, acting as though we were already something more than friends.

“Rebecca! You don't get to decide that I'm still in love with you just because I used to be!” I yelled. I was tired of being confused. Tired of being expected to understand what Rebecca wanted without her ever having to say it. Tired of feeling like I was being pulled back into the same old dream just when I was trying to let it go.

She looked as if I’d just slapped her. “I thought you’d be happy.” Tears started to stream down the side of her face as she tried to push them away.

“I would have been happy if you’d actually talked to me.”

“I am talking to you!”

“No, you’re not! You’re making assumptions about what I want, and you’re not listening when I tell you to stop.”

Rebecca flinched, and then she said the thing that nearly crushed me. “Why won't you just love me!”

All the anger that had been building up inside me fled. She was exactly where I had been for years, and I knew from experience just how desperate, horrible and lonely that felt.

“Get dressed,” I said quietly. “I want you to leave.”

For a moment, she didn’t move. Then she pushed back the duvet and got out of bed. Neither of us said anything while she changed. I turned away, giving her privacy, and listened to the rustle of her clothes. When she was dressed, she picked up the shopping bag.

“I didn’t think we’d end up like this. I always just thought we’d end up together somehow,” she said.

I swallowed. “So did I.”

She looked at me, as though she was waiting for me to say something more. I didn’t. Finally, she walked to the window. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, Rebecca.”

She paused. Then she climbed out into the night.

I closed the window behind her and stood there for a moment, staring at the glass. My hands were shaking. I wasn’t sure whether it was anger, frustration, or the sheer exhaustion of the past week. Probably all three. I sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my face. I’d just told Rebecca to leave my room. Rebecca, who had been my best friend since we were five. Rebecca, who I’d spent most of my life believing I would do anything to make happy. And I didn’t regret it.

I sure as shit wasn’t going to let another regret build up…