Somewhere home

When we were younger, I lost a really stupid bet with my brother. I was 5, he was 7, and I think it was literally over a pokemon fight on tv. I don't remember exactly what the phrasing was, but it essentially boiled down to, I do what he says. That should be the dead end of that story, but it was only the beginning. It started as stupid shit. he could literally take candy from a baby, and I just let him. I'd cry, but i'd never say no. Eventually he got tired of petty tricks (mostly) and It eventually just became a part of my psyche. Mostly it'd be in the for of a reminder. "Go do your laundry, Homework, etc." About the only time he still abuses this power is to steal the tv time.

More than once he lent me a hand, like when he made me tryout for cheer leading. You would think I was more popular than him, but the truth is, I only appear that way because of him. He's the reason I applied to my favorite universities, got my present job as a legal secretary, and the reason my homework is always done, and my room clean.

I'm not going to suggest this oddity between us hasn't been harmful. In one specific instance it almost tore us apart. He was angry at me for convincing mom to let me watch tv instead of him before school one day. He could order me around, but not my mother. I remember it pretty vividly. His words stung like a whole nest of hornets. "Then why dont you just go to school naked you dummy!" I shouldn't have had to listen. I should have ignored his obviously insincere attempt at an insult, but I just cant. I was balling, in rain boots and panties, covered in water and shivering when he found me, and told me to go home and tell mom I'm sick. I did, and after some cocoa and a lot of rest, my mood was significantly improved.

Over the years we have tried to quantify this blank check. Once I was older it seemed like some of the things he asks me to do are just to test those limits. A far as I can tell, there isn't one. If a little girl will walk to the bus stop in her skivies over a backhanded insult, I'm not sure it is within my ability or interest to say no. Its just instinct a this point. I'm not obeying him, I'm compelled instinctively to act. It's hard to explain, but i'm sure someone could write a book on my conditioning. At this point his wilder suggestions don't even make me angry.

I usually end up in a better place after listening to him, and I guess over time my has just become duty.