Sleepover

I woke up and noticed that everyone that took a red eye was asleep. Hannah was also in the room. The other three weren't.

"Hi," I whispered.

She smiled and waved.

I walked over to her careful not to disturb the sleeping girls. "I had another question for you, if I can."

"Course," she smiled.

"Samuel manipulated us all, it is something we can bond over. But how do I know you aren't all doing this to bend me? Carrot and stick, you know?" I asked. It was hard to ask. I almost felt like a was doubting them and I hated that, but that made this question all the more important. I wanted everything on the table. No more assumptions. I wanted to bare my soul to these girls.

"I don't know," she said smiling. "Could all this love be a lie? Could Samuel have us all belief we are free and just pretends to tell the truth? Sure. Is this all just the writings of a strange female author that enjoys watching the trauma and humiliation of various women? How could I prove it wasn't? What I do know, is that I feel free. I feel love for you and for Samuel. And while I may not agree with his methods. I can no more stop him than I can stop the Earth revolving around the sun. I make the choices I feel are right. I can gain nothing from questioning that. So if you wonder if I am trying to trap you? No. But if you truly belief it's possible I am trying to trap you, surely I would say no in either case."

I just hugged her. "Was that author thing your way of referencing simulation theory?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"A web novel is a simulation of sorts is it not?" she asked.

"Weird reference but okay. Though you said female author. Obviously our situation would be written by a man, someone that identifies with Samuel," I said.

She just chuckled. "If you say so. So what do you want to do?"

Moving on from the strange conversation. "I think," my belly grumbled. "I am hungry. I'd also like to look at one of the yearbooks. I figured you probably have a copy here."

"I'll call room service," she said as she opened a drawer showing one of the yearbooks.

"Actually, if possible. I'd like to cook," I said.

"Oh, you are a chef?" she asked.

"Kind of. We will see," I said.

This suite of course had a kitchen but there wasn't a lot of food stocked inside. But she simple ordered a bunch of ingredients I wrote down. It was certainly true that I wasn't a professional chef, but as a kid that was home alone a lot, you either learned a bit about cooking or ate cold leftovers. So I knew a few things. I was cutting up tomatoes and some herbs. I was making a homemade spaghetti sauce. God I was out of practice. Once I made it to college, I got a college food pass, I never cooked since being here.

I'd like to say it was a mindful decision but honestly I was just lazy. I'd mooch off friends when the cafe wasn't available too. Never one to really return the favor. I was a shit person when I came to think about it. Punching people. Loud, obnoxious. Pushing Kat around... I'm sorry Kat. Even now I realize, that during the wedding event I was just angry that what I wanted was being taken away. It didn't even occur to me that maybe Kat wasn't ready.

I brought the sauce to a simmer. It would take awhile but that was fine. The girls needed sleep anyhow. Apparently Lisa and Samantha stepped out for a bit to handle some business and Chloe was working in a separate room. They had all came here for me. In perhaps my darkest moment and I wanted to give them something. Even if it was just a home cooked dinner.

Which brought my mind back to Kat. She cooked for me a bunch, but I had never cooked for her. I have a lot to make up for. Please Kat, it may be selfish to ask. But please give me a chance to make up for everything. Just one more chance.

Food was done but I left it on low heat since the girls were still sleeping and Lisa and Samantha hadn't returned yet. I used the time to look at the book. I flipped through the pages.

"80," I mumbled. "Lilly Madison." Her first picture was one of maybe a bookworm. A very stern bookworm. The second picture was more bimbo-ey if I was honest. But she looked happy.

I flipped again and saw Bianca. "92." The first profile was a goth girl with an almost angry look. The second just looked like a normal woman. She looked happy, but with a bit of fear.

I flipped again. "Clara," I said. She looked more afraid then happy, but I had seen her in person so I knew there was a sense of happiness with her.

I tried to imagine what Hannah was mentioning. Ultimately Samuel is a **** of nature. He cannot be stopped. That much was clear. At first I thought maybe she meant the difference between winning and losing but I don't think that is what she was talking about. No, embrace. At this point two choices felt clear to me. I could give in, relax and let Samuel mold me. I'd be lying if I said he wasn't doing a good job. The old version of myself horrified me at this point. I didn't want to go back. But the game wasn't over.

I could try and win. He might break me more. Maybe in directions I don't want and I might lose and have a picture in this book with me looking like Clara. Would that be worth fighting? In a sense if I just gave up now, he would probably help me and Kat get together, but I couldn't be sure of that. Plus, was I really ready to give up? Maybe I had some more fight in me. Maybe I could win! I felt my heart flutter for a second. I didn't want it anymore to kick Samuel out of my life. I wanted it to show these girls what I was capable of.

God. I am already suffering from PTSD and stockholm aren't I? So what! Who cares! Kat! I love you! I'm bisexual. I am grateful to who I am. I don't know what I am going to become yet. But I am really not angry anymore. I am... I am better than I was! Wait for me Kat. Please Samuel, help her and don't let her be suffering very much.

Hannah came into the room. "The girls are awake," she said. "Lisa and Samantha are coming up too."

"Great! I'll start platting food."

"I'll help," she said. "Look at you. Wanting to learn how to give nice massages and cook. Your changing," she said.

"I know. Isn't it great?" I said smiling.