ShittyNews, by ignoremepleaseand

“Marcie, I am having a very bad feeling about this one.”

“Eh, how bad can it be, Gina?”

“The guy has ignoreme in his name. I have done this shit long enough that I can tell we should absolutely heed his advice.”

“Your concerns are duly noted, regardless we are reading ShittyNews, by ignoremepleaseand”

“I hate everything about this.”

“Come on, Gina. It could be fun. The set up is fairly novel at least. Heh, get it?”

“It’s a story about shit, Marcie.”

“Well, not quite. You see, the way this works is that we are essentially reading a magazine.”

“Maga...zine? Is this some Trump thing?”

“No, Gina. Back in the old days people used to buy magazines to learn the newest rumors and gossip of high society.”

“Sounds about right for the old fart who wrote this. Ugh. Whatever. Let’s just get this shitshow over with so I can go back to Jaws III”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Welcome to ShittyNews magazine, the hottest new magazine in town. We cover a variety of sexy and gross topics all for your personal enjoyment! In our issues we have 12 types of the juiciest stories from across the multiverse.

“And with twelve the author means one, because there is only a single branch on this opening chapter.”

“Great, so we can’t even avoid the shit stuff if we want to!”

In today's issue, we have all sorts of great stuff lined up, starting with our Gross Out segment. To start, girls in the Chicago area have been turning up in dumpsters. Locked in plastic trash bags filled with some sort of orange liquid that appears to be liquefied garbage, girls would be thrown into dumpsters and left there for hours until somebody could find them.

*SLAM*

“Gina, get back here.”

“Marcie, look at this fucking trash!”

“I mean…”

“LOOK AT IT!”

“Dumping people into garbage is kinda...erotic?”

“WHAT!”

“You have done this to me. You know, back in middle school.”

“I wasn’t thinking you would enjoy it! Fucking hell, Marcie! I was just bullying you! Don’t make it weird!”

“ehem, well...Maybe we should move on? The next story is about a group of cheerleaders. You like cheerleaders.”

That night, they kidnapped the entire cheer team and tied them together, naked.

“Ok. Good start.”

They then proceeded to shove them into an extremely small shower block, meaning the girls were all getting some very serious team bonding.

“So far so good.”

The guys then dumped around 20 barrels worth of fish guts onto the girls

“YOU FUCKING SPERMNUGGET!”

“You really should have seen that coming, Gina.”

“How the fuck is fucking fish guts erotic?”

“Please never use these words in that sequence again.”

“FISH GUTS! Just stop at tying the naked girls together, you demented psychopaths!”

“Perhaps the next story will be more tasteful.”

For those of you who don't remember, every year, within the preset days, all hot, young women are free use for anyone. Other minor crimes (such as trespassing and ****) are allowed if it directly leads to the **** of a woman.

“Fuck it. Compared to garbage and fish guts, I take a bit of ****.”

Just a reminder that following recent legislation, **** is legal all of the time

“I am rather puzzled on how this society is supposed to function. **** is legal, and since I severely doubt your garden variety **** cares about protection, that would mean a large influx in pregnancies. Do the rapists have to pay child support or are abortions free of charge? Who raises all these **** children? Are there orphanages? How much more taxes does the average male tax payer have to pay for child rearing services and the raise in crime due to a rise in low income/low education population? Women certainly will not pay taxes or ever hold a job. After all, who would hire a worker that could be prevented from doing their work at any moment? Or are the rapists liable for damages they caused a company for inconveniencing their employee? How is insurance handled?”

“Yeah, right, very good questions...Uh! Look, Marcie! Star Wars!”

“Now, this is just absurd. Other then this segment, this story appears to take place in the real world. A poorly thought out version of our world, but our world nonetheless. Suffice to say, suddenly introducing the Star Wars universe into it feels rather incoherent.”

Ever since I first arrived, Jabba's lair has been a constant party with a rotating cast of powerful figures from across the galaxy. Twi'leks being **** to make out and scissor with each other naked is a real highlight, which is great because Jabba has them doing it almost non-stop.

“Oh, now we’re getting the blue aliens! Now we’re getting the blue aliens! AND IT’S IN A FUCKING SHIT STORY!”

“Speaking of, we are quickly approaching the namesake of this magazine.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Indeed.”

The interview room itself seems like a plain white, brightly lit room. However, throughout the interview, various naked girls will walk up and shit and piss on them. Here is the highlights of the interview:

“Now, isn’t this just riveting stuff? I’m wet already!”

“Gina please, this isn’t the first scat story we read, nor the second.”

“I KNOW.”

“Next up is something almost normal. Top ten spanking tools.”

“Whipping and shit? Man, unkown’s gonna love this one!”

“Hm... I would not mind trying some of those out.”

“Do you want to kill me?”

Our last trend is a popular video called "Poop Sandwich". The video starts out with a large booty-ed black girl doing the classic "bending over" position. Next, a shy looking white girl, who very clearly doesn't want to be here, stands a few feet behind the black girl and then also bends forward until her face lines up with the black girl's butt, then proceeds to bury her face in as deep as possible. Then, another, similar (to the first girl) looking black girl sits on the white girl's head, effectively sandwiching her head in between their butts. All of a sudden, some men in the background start peeing all over them from a distance, getting them all sticky, while the two black girls start streaming out shit. The white girl is almost drowning in poop, but more keeps coming. Eventually, the white girl begins to vomit repeatedly all over the black girls, making them more messy. By this point, it has been about 5 minutes and all three girls are visibly uncomfortable. However, this continues on for about another 2 hours, until finally all three girls get up and stand on a weird looking platform. A massive blob of shit about 3 times their combined size drops on them, trapping them in it. Then, a platform matching the first drops down from the ceiling, landing on them. It is then reveled that the top and bottom platforms are actually giant pieces of bread, and they start squishing down until they get pretty close together, trapping all 3 girls in a poop sandwich.

“I feel like this excerpt had to be included in order to get some sort of feel about what to expect while reading this story. I also want to share my suffering.”

“Congratulations, you scat loving fuck. You made it onto the wall of shame with this one.”

A fresh take on a legendary franchise, BG3 allows players to fuck any of their billions of procedurely generated fantasy bitches. In addition to traditional RPG elements, gamers can power up their protagonists through sexual experience, capturing sex slaves, and participating in orgies.

“I found it highly amusing that the author deemed this worthy of inclusion. I am sure that for him that sounds highly scandalous, when in reality this is just your average eroge.”

Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Princess

A stunning follow-up to the highest reviewed game of all time, Tears of the Princess follows Princess Zelda experiencing not just Hyrule, but also 2 new maps, the Sky Islands and the Underground. As she navigates through the strange new land, she discovers new sexy abilities, new ****-happy monsters, and plenty of humiliating side quests. Tears of the Princess delivers a beautiful score, a beautiful landscape, and a beautiful protagonist, all in one.

“This is still more lore accurate then whatever sumedokin wrote.”

“Marcie...”

“Yes, yes.”

“Some more movie related news and with this we are already at the end of the story. Quite the short magazine I must say. I would not pay top dollar for this.”

“Thank fuck.”

“I have some issues with this issue.”

“OH, YOU DON’T SAY?”

“The idea of having it structured like a magazine is novel, but the story does not really commit to it. Where are the ads? The gimmicks? The comics? The crossword puzzles? The word shitstorm?”

“I don’t want to do shitty crosswords puzzles!”

“Apart from that. I disliked how low on reactions this story was. These women got horrible things inflicted upon them, but they might as well be nothing more then puppets because we do not actually get their reactions.”

“Eh.”

“The worldbuilding was a bit lacking too. My sense of disbelief was not suspended. And do not get me started on the dreadful puns. Shit-Down? Really, author?”

“You done?”

“And the chapter titles were tremendously uncreative too.”

“YOU DONE?”

“All in all this story is too absurdist to be really disgusting. Point in case, Gina has not even vomited yet.”

“Huh. You’re right. What the fuck? Why didn’t I vomit to this? Eww, eww! Now I feel all gross!”

“As I was saying, too absurdist.”

“Ugh. I mean, it’s not this story’s fault, really. This shit is plenty disgusting. It’s just between all the exploding human cum balloons and father son crossdress **** rapes and Allisons, the bar is kinda set high.”

“It indeed is. But keep at it, author. And maybe one day you will get Gina to vomit too!”

“Stop talking about me vomiting!”

“I suppose it is time to stop. After all, I guess you could say…”

“Marcie…”

“...we are now people familiar with this fecal matter.”

“BLEEEERGHHHH!!!!”