Sharks!

“Ugh…”

“You sound depressed, Gina.”

“Nobody jerked off to dickgirl-guy’s Halloween porn story...”

“I see.”

“I mean, it’s not that I WANTED someone to jerk off to it.”

“…”

“Bleeeeeehhh….”

“There, there.”

“Alright, what do we get this time? Oh, back at the Pirate twink again.”

“Yes, indeed. It might be good for a palate cleanser.”

“Sure.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Rubbish.” Sandara said. “We had the sharks handling that. You just wanted to stretch your legs.”

“Sharks!”

“Gina, do not get too excited.”

“No worries about that, Marcie. It’s hard enough to get back into this story as it is. Especially since the beginning is just a conversation with a stone statue.”

Neutralize Hyrix Snowfeather

2 exp, Companion Boon

Enemy of Varossa; presumably blames her for Warvil’s death. True? Should probably talk to him if I can.

“I have no idea who these guys are.”

I have no idea who the hell these people are but based on the 1 exp reward they are probably pretty chill.

“Oh, ok, fair enough.”

“You should at least remember Varossa, Gina.”

“Is that the shadow zombie girl?"

"No, that is Ve'ra."

"Bleeeeeeh, I hate names!"

"Well, to bring some semblance of order back into this, when last we left of, Curtis just returned from his not so voluntary trip home. After fighting of Goblin Gaston, they are now ready to resume the search for the sunken treasure.”

“Wait, what treasure?”

“...I’m sure you will get back into it.”

Kelizar was bigger than a horse, probably around the size of a brown bear.

“What a pathetic Dragon.”

“Oh yeah,” Ve’ra had said the night before, “Dragons are all randy bastards, and they’ll sleep with anything if they’re in the mood. Why do you think the most common kind of sorcerer is dragon blooded?”

“And here I thought they only liked big boobs.”

“Kelizar, the lord of the domain Curtis, and his crew want to investigate for the treasure does indeed have a bit more of a refined taste.”

“Wow, look at this fancy ass looking bitch!”

Filli and Cog, the strongest people on my crew that were not otherwise occupied, hauled the table and chairs out onto the poop deck.

“Eating on the poop deck.”

“…”

“That is rather disgusting.”

“For fucks sake, Marcie.”

“Well, they are throwing the dragon an appeasement party and he turned himself into a femboy. Not quite my type, I must say.”

“Good to know, Marcie. So, Curtis comes up with a ridiculously convoluted scheme to trick the femboy dragon into some sort of gamble. If I was a femboy dragon II would have told the fucker to fuck off but I’m not a femboy dragon.”

“Evidently.”

An hour later, Kelizar vanished beneath the waves, flanked by an honor guard of busty topless mermaids.

“Fucking mermaids.”

Not for the first or last time I missed my old body; I would have absolutely loomed over her. Maybe I could have even lifted her; that usually went over well with the girls who liked that sort of thing. Instead, I took advantage of the fact that I was only a few inches taller than her by grabbing the back of her head and pulling her into a kiss.

“I think I can appreciate when a man is not gifted in the physical department and still is making it work.”

"Not much making it work here, Marcie. He's just using magic to fuck Sandara."

"Yes, it is very erotic."

Ok, I was probably asking for that getting Ve’ra involved. She hasn’t exactly been subtle about wanting to get laid. What can I say; I’d rather have a shadow girl holding Sandara down than a shadow guy, even if the guy is literally just me. Maybe Sandara was onto something with the girl on girl stuff.

“You know about that Harry Potter story, Marcie?”

“...what?”

“You know.”

“Now, I do not know, Gina.”

“Meeeeeh…..”

“Is this going somewhere?”

“The one where they turn the bitchy guy into a bitchy girl!”

“Ah that. I believe that is a meme right now.”

“This story would be better if Curtis was a girl.”

“Thank you for that input, Gina.”

“Speaking of offputting...why are there suddenly ponies, Marcie?”

“I do not know, Gina, but I believe the likely explanation is that the author is a brony.”

“Disgusting.”

“Curtis decides that after already tricking the Lord Dragon once he can do it again by robbing his sunken pirate ghost ship.”

Lubo expanded into her wereshark form and swiped one clawed hand through the ghostly figure.

“Ehehehehehe.”

The only member of my party, and indeed the defenders as a whole, doing serious damage was Lubo. She didn’t bother with the ones on the floor, instead taking on her shark form and ripping into the immobilized coral mannequins like a dog with a stuffy. The audible crunch was accompanied by the same glow that she’d used against Halid.

“Yay!”

“I do not think I ever saw you that happy, Gina.”

“S-shut up! I’m not happy! Anyways, Curtis fucked this one up. The femboy dragon got wind about the whole ghost shipt thing and Curtis is now in even more debt than before. Great job.”

“And his dragon related shenanigans do not stop there. Next he comes across an even more powerful dragon who doms him.”

“If by domming you mean slowly cooking him alive, sure Marcie.”

“That scene was admittedly pretty erotic, but I just do not find burning someone to death particularly arousing. Besides, we had fire related porn just on lasts review. It is overdone really.”

“With the difference that I really don’t think this one was supposed to be erotic.”

“But really, Curtis does screw up quite a lot, huh?”

“What? That a turnoff, Marcie?”

“Not particularly, but I feel like I just have to relegate him into elfailure category. Adorable in his own limited capacity but he can not possible be my equal.”

“You say while wearing a clown nose and a tutu.”

I just took her virginity, and thoroughly at that. I like her, I like her a lot. She’s fun and exciting and once I figured out how to tell when she’s joking she’s even funny. So how the hell do I tell her that I don’t find goblins attractive without breaking her heart?

“You know, this wouldn’t be a problem if we had sexy goblins.”

After only six hours serving as a footstool, Lafloo had become rather unsteady. Gobron would have preferred to cycle through his underlings, but the mutinous cowards had all fled after he’d sold Bierre into slavery to buy supplies. The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few, after all.

“The comedy in this story is just as unsteady.”

“Do I even want to know what this means, Marcie?”

“Yes, I explain. Overall, this story has a very comedic tone to it. But it is not to the point of complete absurdity. Except when it comes to the doings of the Gaston Goblin.”

“Yeah, so?”

“The Goblins are essentially the comic relief element of this story but the Gaston Goblin is just a touch too absurd. It would be one thing if there were more absurdist elements in the story, but since the Gaston Goblin is the only true representation of absurdist comedy he really sticks out.”

“It’s because Gaston’s french isn’t it?”

“No, it is because he’s an absurdist parody that is on a comedic level that is not in sync with the rest of the story.”

“Uhu. You know what’s really not in sync? Curtis spawn killing demons.”

“Technically, I do not think this counts as...”

I blinked. Was she really asking me why murder was bad?

“Oh, this is fucking rich!”

“No, Gina. Curtis is rich from all the demons he melted.”

“We are having this murder is bad discussion in the same chapter in which twinkboy pirateelf is is summoning and murdering a bunch of demons for sport!”

“Not for sport, Gina. Experience and loot.”

“...CHOMP!”

“I SAID NO NOSE BITING!”

Inquiry is a very official word. Clinical, really. It’s the most pretentious way of saying that you have a question I can think of, and it only really feels like the right word when the person asking is pretty serious.

“Huh, I would say we have finally found a replacement for that stupid maul joke but I don’t think we will come across inquiry nearly as much during sex scenes.”

“Well, it is time for the crew of the enterprise to make landfall again. This time on an island that is supposedly very lawful, which might be a nice change of pace.”

What could possibly go wrong?

“Given his track record so far…”

“Captain Emrys M’Dair, you stand accused of unauthorized privateering, armed robbery, 5 counts of marooning, 16 counts of murder, 14 counts of kidnapping, 5 counts of coercive enchantment, 6 counts of enslavement of Bag Island citizenry, 12 counts of child trafficking, and public indecency. How do you plead?”

“Heh. Of course.”

I stewed in rage as the prosecution’s latest expert witness, a specialist in goblin child rearing, ranted about my poor parenting. She’d been a curiosity when she first walked into the room, since she was so unlike any other goblins I’ve met. I’d passed the time letting Autopilot examine her. She had a blonde wig on, a pile of curls forming an elaborate bun on top of her head. Her eyebrows were penciled on, and her chest was so large I wondered if breast implants were a thing in this world.

“So basically Marcie.”

“I take offense to that.”

“It is well established among goblin circles that the cage is vital to the proper development of a goblin pup. To let not one but twelve run rampant will serve to permanently retard their psychological growth and social integration. That he would do such a thing simply to put them to work is, frankly, sickening.”

“Yup, definitely Marcie.”

“Hey!”

“Ok, so since Curtis has connections he doesn’t have to go to jail for the trial period and can instead spend his days in a sex temple. Fucking corrupt shithole.”

When Linu finally showed us to the small guest suite on the top floor, I decided to make a power move. I strode in like I owned the place, picked a chair at random, tilted it onto one leg to spin it towards Linu, smacked my shin with the full weight of the chair. That knocked my leg out from under me and left me sprawled out on the floor.

“Pfft...”

“Gina, it is not nice to laugh at the physically inept.”

“Heh, you know I kinda like Curtis."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's such a fucking loser, but in a fun way."

“Hm, interesting. It is rare that a male character appeals to you, Gina.”

“He’s funny. I want to see what other funny antics the funny pirateelf gets into.”

Security for the House of Stolen kisses was pretty lax. I didn’t know the layout of the building, but when I sent out an outsider to scout, they found an exit pretty quickly. No one tried to stop me from leaving the building, and the front gates of the temple complex were guarded against intrusion, not escape. I nodded politely at a couple of armed gentlemen and slipped out onto the street like any other customer.

“You would not have to wait long for that.”

“What could possibly go wrong?”

“Actually not that much. Everyone is rather lax about Curtis breaking curfew. As long as he does not do anything even more ludicrous.”

“Eh, boring.”

When Linu walked into my guest chambers, the floor was completely covered by a large waxed sailcloth carpet to catch all the demonic ichor and dismembered limbs. A heap of chainmail and double bladed swords glittered in the firelight, and we’d dragged all the nice furniture into the bedrooms Rosie and I had been using. I think she was still a little bit overwhelmed.

“Oh.”

Linu’s cutesie maid outfit contrasted with the cold fury in her expression, and the effects of both were completely spoiled when she bent over at the waist and vomited all over the floor.

“Pfftftftftffff…..”

“Gina…”

My heart sank. I hadn’t meant to cause trouble, but as Tessa Fairwind had so eloquently pointed out, that didn’t mean shit.

“W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T MEANT TO CAUSE TROUBLE? Y-YOU LITERALLY SUMMONED DEMONS IN A FUCKING CHURCH! LIKE...WHAT? PFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT….”

“Well, Linu comes to an arrangement with Curtis. The drow pirate will be a good boy from now on and stops trying to get everyone wanting to murder him. I am sure he will...”

By midnight, the entire goblin quarter was consumed by riots as simmering tensions came to the surface.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

“I do not think race riots are supposed to be funny, Gina.”

“B-But, like! He just promised the catgirl maid he will be good! A-and then literally five minutes later..."

"GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

"Really Gina, did Norah mess with your parameters? You're acting like a Goblin...shark."

"*wheeze* Haaa...haaa...ok...ok. I'm good. Let's continue..."

"This whole riot was set in motion by Varossa noticing Curtis spying on her, so she decides to set her plan to take over the enterprise in motion sooner then planned."

“Told you it’s the pirate elf’s fault *snrk*”

He was fighting a six foot tall shark woman that was earnestly trying to kill him. She marked him as needing reinforcements.

“Go Sharks!”

“Gina, you do know they are the bad guys, right?”

“No, they are sharks! I’m team shark! Go Sharks!”

“I haff to help ze crew.” Filli said, not willing to look Naomi in the eye. “I’m zorry. I can do nozink for him.”

“You can’t give her that accent and not expect me to not image Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice.”

"Filli is quite the force to be recognized."

"Yeah, she's cool. Not as cool as sharks but pretty cool for a giant rat."

“The fight for enterprise is clearly intended to be the big set piece of the arc and I have to admit Jery knows how to deliver on their big set pieces. We even get a surprise return from Pugg.”

“Who?”

“The son of the evil pirate at the start of the story. Curtis stole his ship.”

“Oh...and he couldn’t have brought Caulky with him? I don’t care about that loser. Get back to the sharks!”

“Well, after a long and hard fight, the Curtist loyalists managed to win the day.”

“Bleeeeeeeeh the shaaaaaarks dieeeeeeeeeed!”

“Well, yes…”

“I DIDN’T WANT THEM TO DIE! I HATE THIS STUPID STORY!”

“That was a fast turn around.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!”

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“Alright, it is a new day and Gina has somewhat calmed down after I made the following gif of me beating up Curtis with a baseball bat."

“I hate that stupid pirate. I take back everything I said about him being funny. I bump him on the scumbag list all the way up to number two. Absolutely irredeemable scum.”

“Well, we still have a couple chapters ahead of us. Shall we get to it?”

He was the only member of Lubo’s cult that was still in my followers tab, which hurt for a lot of reasons. For one those people were my responsibility, and I hadn’t properly protected them. For another, it meant that I no longer had a subaquatic defense force.

“Yeah! Because you lost your sharks! I hate you!”

Better an imperfect tool than one that turns your crew against you, dipshit. Maybe if you can survive this whole debt crisis you can see if any of Kelizar’s people want to go on globetrotting adventures. A few mermen or mermaids hanging around could be nice.

“NO, IT WOULDN’T!”

“Gina, calm down.”

"Hanging's too good for him. Burning's too good for him! He needs to be ripped into little pieces AND BURIED ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“And...it’s another new day. Honestly, that rapscallion Curtis just can not stop making trouble for people. He even inconvenienced me. And I am not even in this story.”

“”Grrrrrr…Look at this fucking hipster, acting all smug after he killed all these poor innocent sharks.”

“Very cute. I really do not get why we have not put Curtis in a proper dress yet. He must be feminized properly.”

"Put him in a mini-skirt and have him served to a bunch of Uruk-hai's as an appetizer!"

"These creatures are not in Pathfinder, Gina."

“Ugh, what the fuck is even going on in this story anymore? I don’t give a shit now that all the sharks are gone!"

“Well, it is certainly true that things have calmed down a bit. With Emyr’s name cleared we have entered a somewhat less intense arc, perhaps not most ideal point to end the follow up, but alas the author insisted.”

“Ok, so some racist elf wants some smoke with Curtis but then he easily turns the table on her and there’s also these things. Which I’m pretty sure is a fetish thing.”

“I prefer noses on the smaller side.”

The Hippocampus cut through the waters of the Queen’s Procession like a shark seeking prey.

“Really? Why is it always a shark? Why not a Hippopotamus? It’s even in the name.”

“”S-s-shaaa---shaaaaaaa!”

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“Alright, as you can see, Gina is just about done with her patience/sanity. And since nothing of note is happening, I think we can end this follow up here.”

“...”

“Would you like to make some closing statement Gina?”

“HATE! LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE…”

“About anything not shark related?”

“I’m glad Curtis demon murdering ways is finally biting him in the ass.”

“Ah yes, or at least it is teased that it will have consequences down the line.”

“Good. He must be punished for his many crimes.”

“Well, I will say this was a very entertaining set of chapters overall. The author definitely missed the proper drop off point but nonetheless a good showing.”

“I liked the rat girl.”

“Ah yes, Filli definitely was the star of this set of chapters. A very entertaining character. I personally identified most with Varossa however."

“But the story was very difficult to follow at times, especially the stuff with the racist pirate elf at the end. The fuck was that shit even about?”

“While I would not call it that difficult, the sheer amount of characters, does indeed make following everything somewhat of a struggle. But that was a complaint that we had last time as well.”

“Ugh, whatever, we are done?”

“I believe so.”

“Good! I’m gonna explore now. There has to be some sharks on this fucking island.”

“Just don’t get caught by Mildred.”