Sex Burns Calories

"Analysis of Susan Storm Richard's metabolic rates indicates that they increase significantly during periods of sexual activity," H.E.R.B.I.E. said. "It is possible that we can leverage this to burn calories faster than you consume them. However, it will require intense, prolonged sexual exertion coupled with monitoring of your vitals and a carefully selected liquid diet to maintain essential nutrients and hydration."

The Invisible Woman frowned.

"O-kaaay...assuming that's possible, how would we do it? I can't cheat on my husband, H.E.R.B.I.E." she said.

"You will not have to. Reed Richards prepared a facility for extreme sexual endurance testing," the robot said.

Sue's eyes widened.

"Oh no."

He called it, with all apparent seriousness, the Superhuman Intensive Test Upper Projection Stimulator. The idea of SITUPS was simple: to assess the upper limit of superhuman sexual activity using an automated system of penetrators and a nutrient tube that would pump a nutritious electrolyte-laden protein pap directly down the user's throat. Theoretically, it could run continuously for days.

Sue had refused to get in it. So had everyone else. Reed had shoved it into a corner of the lab, but never broken it down for spare parts. Now, the automated systems were already coming online. The Invisible Woman, unable to fit into any of her non-maternity costumes, was stripped down, cleaned out, pre-lubed, and ready to go.

"I hate this," she muttered to herself. Her stomach grumbled. "And I want a cookie."

"Despite your verbal reluctance, sensors show a 23% increase in blood flow to the genitals and increased natural lubrication," H.E.R.B.I.E. said. "Please stay still as the feeding tube is inserted.

The Invisible Woman felt like a human cow. Naked, on all fours, with a tube that slid down her throat. Her oversized breasts hung lewdly down almost to the floor of the test chamber. The small robot fixed the straps to her body that connected to the metal frame around her. When he was done, the floor fell away, and she hung suspended in space.

"Prepare for penetration," H.E.R.B.I.E. said. Behind her, a long, smooth rod of dull metal with a rounded tip, studded with small bumps emerged from the wall. It had all the sexual charm of a parking bollard, and was thicker than Sue's forearm. She trembled as it touched her labia.

It did not stop until it nearly hit her cervix.

"Calibrating to vaginal tightness," H.E.R.B.I.E. announced. "Initial program commencing."