Semen grinding isn’t as kinky as it sounds

“What is this?!” Moira demanded, waving a hand through the party invite in front of her face.

“Don’t worry,” John assured. “It’s part of my powers. If you’re familiar with party-mechanics in a video game, this is that. You’ll be able to monitor the condition of Red, Saccharine, and I.”

Moira looked at him incredulously. “You’re not being serious are you?”

“I am. My entire power-set revolves around being in a video game,” John explained with a shamelessly proud smile plastered on his face. Yes, he’d been **** to explain the full extent of his power in his earlier meeting, but he trusted Moira, and if she was to fight alongside them, she’d find out one way or another.

Moira’s skepticism faded somewhat as she accepted the invite, adding her name to the party window in the corner of John’s vision. “You mean to say all of your powers are like this?”

“Yep. I get quests, learn skills, level up, manage stats, fight bosses… I’ve been living the life of a video game character since the start of this week.”

“I’m not sure whether I should be impressed or laugh,” Moira admitted as she regarded the party window that had appeared in her vision. She clearly found it difficult to hold back the latter, however. “Though if anyone was suited to receive ‘game’ powers, I suppose it ought to go to nerdy boy like you.”

“Thanks?” John replied, unclear whether that was an insult or not.

“Well then, now that Moira’s clued in, shall we begin training?” Red asked.

“Yes, let’s,” Moira nodded, looking at John intently. “I look forward to seeing this game power in action.”

“Fine by me,” John nodded as he opened a goblin I.D. in the middle of the apartment.

The world around them distorted momentarily, before they found themselves standing in a severely degraded apartment, likely representative of John’s new accommodation. All the key pieces of furniture were in their correct place, though with significantly more wear and tear.

“So, what kind of barrier have you put us in?” Moira asked, after checking the apartment for threats and finding none.

“Supposedly there are goblins,” John replied. “We’ll probably find them once we step outside. Anyway, you strike me as the kind of girl used to beating things up, so I figure you know how to fight, but do you need a weapon? Probably should’ve asked earlier, but if you don’t, I suppose you can borrow my sword.”

“I’ll be fine,” the paladin assured him, unclipping a small medallion from her shirt. The medallion expanded in size until it formed a large but elegant kite shield on Moira’s left arm. Its steel face gleamed in a faint but beautiful silver colour, with gold embroidery depicting a rose on its face. But the impressive display of magical craftsmanship wasn’t over, as Moira sunk her hand into the back of the shield and pulled out an imposing warhammer moments later. The haft of the hammer was about an arm’s length and ended in a streamlined head with a studded face on one side and a spike on the other. It was nothing John would have liked to be hit by.

“Neat,” he commented as he similarly equipped everything he needed from his inventory. “Got an outfit to go with that?”

“I doubt I will need my armour today,” Moira shrugged. “The Lady’s blessing and my shield will be enough to protect me.”

“Shame, I’m sure you’d look great in armour,” John replied, his imagination running wild with the thought of a gold-plated redhead crushing the skulls of her enemies in battle.

The paladin blushed at his comment but didn’t give a direct reply. “L-let’s start training then,” she said instead while making a beeline for the door.

“This’ll be fun,” Red added, sharpening her claws.

“Yeah, uh, before that, let me clarify something,” John said quickly. “I don’t want us to have to kill anything if we don’t have to. We’re here for cash only, and goblins just so happen to have some rather uhm… valuable things to trade. I doubt they’re aware of it, so we can probably trick them into giving it away for cheap.”

Red looked at him and frowned. “Are you sure, John?”

“Yeah, would be easier just to kill the fuckers,” Saccharine shrugged. “You’re severely overestimating their ability to be amicable.”

“You can’t trust goblins. Its best just to crush them,” Moira added, swinging her hammer easily through the air.

“Maybe,” John admitted. “But I want to try. I don’t want to become the kind of monster that walks over anything to get what he wants.”

“Okay then, darling,” Red agreed.

“Sometimes I wonder just how suited to the Abyss you really are…” Moira sighed. “Fine, I’ll follow your lead.”

“Fucking pansy,” Saccharine added sweetly,

John flipped the dessert fae off before heading outside. The halls were just as decrepit and empty as the apartment had been, leading John to wonder where exactly the goblins were supposed to be. “Can you find anyone?” John asked, consulting his girlfriend’s sharp senses.

Red tilted her head slightly as she listened out, before she nodded and led them to a door a few apartments down. “The TV’s on, and someone let a fat one out,” she grimaced.

“Okay,” John nodded and stepped up to the door, before a thought occurred to him. “Do you all mind heading back down the hall a bit? I don’t want to make them anxious about weapons or numbers.”

Once they had, John turned his attention back to the door and knocked on the hardwood. He heard a loud thump from behind the door, followed by some cursing and muttering. But nobody came to the door. John knocked loudly, again.

“Waaaaat!” a gravelly voice shouted from behind the door.

“Uh, hello, I’m looking to trade,” John called back. He heard someone shuffle up to the door, and shortly after, it unlocked.

“Trade?” a goblin covered in warts asked as the door swung open. The ugly creature stiffened as it stared at John’s waist, before glancing upwards. “Gah, human boy! Who you? Come to kill Kringlewart?!”

“What?! No! I’m not. Like I said, I just want to trade,” John insisted.

The goblin looked at him with a bloodshot yellow eye. “Human boy lie?”

“I promise I come with peaceful intentions,” John replied. “I’m John, nice to meet you.” He would have offered a hand but not before inspecting the goblin’s with a blacklight.

“Me Kringlewart,” the goblin proclaimed as he placed a hand over his heart. “But call Kringle. It strange John-human talk,” the goblin named Kringlewart observed. “Human-boy normally attack goblin-people, and human-girl run. What John-human want to trade?”

John pulled a $20 note from his wallet and showed it to the goblin. “I’m uh… looking to trade for some semen.”

The goblin’s eyes lit up as he saw the paper note. “This secret to human boy wealth, yes?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” John replied. ‘Wow, that was easy, he basically just convinced himself of its value.’

The goblin stared at John with a befuddled expression while it picked its nose. “Human-boy want Kringle-semen? Kringle not gay, John-faggot.”

“Woah, first of all, I didn’t mean it that way! And second, I’m not gay,” John said quickly.

Kringlewart looked up at John incredulously. “Then why John-faggot try pay for rut with Kringle?”

“I didn’t mean it that way!” John repeated with increasing frustration.

“No worry John-faggot. Kringle understand. Kringle have friend who don’t leave closet. But Kringle feel bad for John-faggot, so Kringle maybe give Kringle-semen to lady-friends.”

John glanced at the three girls. “If you say yes I will slap you into a bloody puddle,” his girlfriend warned.

He accepted this as fact and turned back to the goblin. “Yeah, no. I’m sorry but that won’t happen. Maybe there’s something else I can trade for?

The goblin scratched his chin for a few seconds before he let out a beefy fart as inspiration struck. John could have sworn he saw a light bulb shaped cloud of flatulence. “Oh, Kringle knows! Kringle give John-faggot semen if John-faggot let Kringle kill John-faggot so Kringle can become real-Kringle! ”

John had to take a moment to digest that sentence, but there was a question just begging to be asked once he did. “You become ‘real’ if you kill me?”

“If Kringle kills John-Human, God-lady makes Kringle real Kringle.”

“‘God-lady’? Do you mean Gaia?” John questioned.

“Kringle not remember not-goblin names long. But she was mean God-lady.”

‘Yeah, probably just Gaia,’ John shrugged.

“I don’t understand,” Moira interjected, stepping up to them. “Why would the Lady do such a thing for you, Newman? Surely the training of one boy is of little interest to her.”

“Dunno,” John shrugged. “All I know is she’s the one that’s gave me these powers and seems to gets off from what I do with them. You’re the one that works for her Order, you tell me.”

“Please don’t be blithe, Newman,” Moira warned. “I would hate to hear you repeat such things about the Lady.” While she had kept her tone reasonably pleasant, it was clear to John she was offended and that he’d overstepped what Moira was willing to accept. ‘She really is a paladin, huh.’

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” John said quickly, not wanting to escalate the issue.

Meanwhile, Kringlewart had started salivating as he eyed up Moira. “Human-girl have good skin. Tasty,” the goblin stated, before glancing at John and grinning. “Kringle give human-girl semen after treat well in bed. Come!” he encouraged, reaching forward to pull on Moira’s shield and lead her into his apartment.

Moira screamed as the blistered and greasy hand of the goblin reached for her thigh, and she violently bashed him with the face of her shield. “By the lady, I will smite you for that!” she declared, raising her hammer and bringing it down on Kringlewart’s skull. There was a burst of light, like a miniature grenade detonating, and suddenly the goblin’s top half had burned away. The remaining husk collapsed on the ground and dropped a vial of the Goblin Ooze John sought.

“W-what is this?!” Moira demanded, tentatively picking up the vial of white goo.

“That’s a bottle of spunk, Moi-moi,” Saccharine giggled. “Heard it works wonder on the skin.”

Moira’s face paled, and she threw the vial away. The frail container shattered as it made contact with the floor, leaving a glossy white stain on the carpet.

“No!” John cried, bemoaning the loss of an easy $300.

“Sheesh, Johnny, cum-whore much?” the dessert fairy snorted.

“Hey! It’s valuable, alright? I need money,” John said in his own defence.

“Then why are we crying over spilled cum? Let’s go milk that shit,” the fairy replied with a laugh.

Red flicked the fairy before taking John by the arm and marching them towards the elevator. “C’mon, I can smell a few more goblins around.”

John took one last glance at the corpse of Kringelwart as the elevator doors closed. ‘Well, it’s probably for the best,’ John sighed, not seeing how such a creature could contribute positively to the world, had he come to live.