Rowana & Azzie Read Maddie & Trevor Read "Pipe-weed Dreams"

The baby hushed as Rowana rocked her in her arms. The ex-Ranger's own stomach was protruding now, and Azzie watched her with a smile. Bebe was feeding the other two in the kitchen. Soon, they would have a Hobbit-hole full of little half-orcs. She tapped the tablet.

"So, they finished our little tale," Azzie said. "Got most of the references, too."

Rowana set the baby back in her crib. She touched the scar on her chest.

"Well, good to know we went through all that trouble for something," Rowana said. "So, where should we start?"

I just wonder why no one else has come in and settled this area in the decades and centuries before this; it's only a short car ride from the center of civilization in this setting. I mean, it made more sense when Sauron was around, and there were these massive 'fuck you' mountains in the way, and everyone had to travel everywhere on their own two feet, but now--

"A lot of the background on the Reunited Megacorp wasn't necessary for the story, so it didn't make it in," Azzie said. "It took thousands of years for the plains of Mordor to be fertile again, and it's still dangerous. The government combines the functions of a modern nation state with some corporate features. There are shareholders, a board of directors, a white tree, but none of those are relevant for this little drama. Hence, mostly for flavor."

"Maybe we'll get into more detail with other Tolkienpunk tales," Rowana said dryly as she scooped her wife up and carried her into the living room.

"Babe!" the Urak-hai protested. "You're supposed to take it easy!"

"Did you?" Rowana asked.

There are these side chapters, optional--but actually not. The endnote says we should read them to get the whole story. And the right way to do it seems to be alternating back and forth. Weird organization.

"So originally, it was just going to be Rowana's diary entries. Then at some point we decided to include everybody else's diaries too. So yes, what started out as a frankly linear story turned into a bit of a mess," Azzie sighed, as she and Rowana settled on the couch. Her head ended up in her wife's lap, which real estate was currently half taken up with the baby bump. "And also why there are a couple little unexpected shifts here and there. Writing is hard."

Oliphaunts

"In a world of drone warfare and mobile artillery, oliphaunts don't make a lot of sense," Rowana conceded. "But the Orcs have a lot of cultural value tied up in them. This one's mostly for show."

It's very...frictionless. By the third or fourth chapter, they both seem in love with the other. At the very least, they're fucking like bonobos.

"Yeah, we were," Azzie said with a grin. "Yes, it was a little fast. First attempt at a longer story. Pacing was a bit off. Afraid to lose the readers without regular sexy bits."

"Bacha bazi." I grimace. "Wish I didn't know that term."

"You and me both," Rowana said, her smile turning into a frown.

Did Zeebop mix up Warhammer orcs with Tolkien orcs?

"There are more details about orcs in the next Tolkienpunk Tale," Azzie explained. "But I'm greener than normal. And yes, it's an aesthetic decision. Because the image for the story was a big green tit."

"Nothing wrong with that," Rowana opined.

"Yeah, that was a little silly, but come on. Zeebop should be allowed some fun."

"Yes, absolutely," Azzie said. "Although as many have noted, Zeebop's idea of 'fun' and other people's idea of 'horrific experience' tend to overlap a bit. So your mileage may vary."

"And how Tolkienesque would you say is Tû, the black wizard, and her weird Dualism?"

"So, this is actually a reference to an obscure individual," Rowana said. "Nobody's sure how much of her stuff to take seriously. But hey, I didn't die."

Honestly, who cares?

"I mean, I do," Azzie said. Yet there was no hurt in her voice. "Pretty much the one thing you can guarantee is that you can't make the audience happy. Only yourself. Sometimes that's enough."

So saying, the Urak-Hai gave a kiss to her wife's distended abdomen. One of the babies kicked. Rowana traced a finger along her wife's ear. One thing was for certain. They were going to make lots of little farmhands.