Rowana & Azzie Read "Well At Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now" by Jerynboe, Part 3

Rowana did not bother to put panties or shirt back on as she returned to the living room. Azzie, lounging on the couch, lay likewise naked. The ex-ranger smiled to herself. She had seldom imagined one day she would be blessed with a sexy wife, reading sexy stories, while twins kicked like little warriors in her womb.

"When last we left," the Uruk-Hai said, as Rowana settled back into her pillows, "Emrys had stopped in Goatshead and resurrected Sandara."

Wait what? Shit. She does, doesn’t she? I forgot about that in all the confusion, but seriously, that’s the first thing you say?

"Could be clever plotting, could be fortunate ass-covering," Rowana said. "Benefit of the doubt: we'll assume Jerynboe planned this all along."

I’m certain mother would kill me if I didn’t recommend him for recruitment.

"You never see a drow with a MILF kink," Azzie said, reaching out to squeeze one of Rowana's breasts. "Like, I can understand why, but that might be interesting in itself when you think about it."

little I could do with the puddle of oil.

"Yet another instance when a prestidigitation cantrip would have come in handy," Azzie noted.

Sandara is no longer fatigued

"Important question: is Sandara down to fuck?" Rowana said. "I don't expect her to just drop to her knees and suck drow dick as thanks for being brought back to the dead, but I feel like if you've survived a near-undeath experience, you should celebrate life."

The Uruk-Hai smiled. She placed her ear against the swollen stomach, remembering their wedding.

“I’m so delicate right now.”

"She is not," Azzie said. "Though a good cockteasing is almost as good as a decent sex scene."

It is a variant of the notorious Mirror of Opposition. When active, it can create a perfect copy of someone who looks into it, including their knowledge, equipment, and abilities once per day. Regardless of their personality, they will feel an uncontrollable urge to kill the original. Should they succeed, they will behave in accordance to their own nature, which is generally similar to their original except with one or more key character traits, such as alignment or deeply held beliefs, inverted to make them more likely to align with the owner of the mirror’s current goals. The clone will vanish after 24 hours if they are more powerful than the attuned owner of the mirror, but can survive a full lifetime if they are no more powerful than the user. The mirror can be tuned to create a weakened variant to ensure survival, but this will make destruction of the original target more difficult. After the **** of the original, the mirror shatters. (Spellcraft 18+8=26)

"Something that would be funny: a man tired of his wife uses a mirror of opposition to create a clone to fuck his wife. That would be fun," Rowana said. Then she frowned. "Although this does remind me of part of what I dislike about this kind of LitRPG story. In the original stories that inspired Dungeons & Dragons, there are usually only a few weird magical artifacts, monsters, or effects in any given story. Even in a game, you usually have only a handful of monster types or major magical items in a given story. A mirror of opposition is enough of a plot device to build an entire story around. Here it's...just another random magic item. There are usually one or two of these per chapter. It sort of cheapens any single effect when you've got too many magical balls juggling in the air at once."

I need to get off this ship.

"Want to make a joke about how Emrys needs to get off, period," Azzie said. "But I appreciate that Jerynboe is trying to tell a story, not the Sage of Drow Dick."

Sandara has cast Cure Light Wounds, healing you for 8 damage. You are no longer **** or dying.

"I know our commentary is pretty patchy at this point, but that's because the narrative is fine. It's not really erotica, but it's written well enough that there's nothing to really bitch about," Rowana noted. "There are things that other writers would handle differently, but those are fewer flaws in the story than quirks of the format."

"The only recommendation for improvement I'd give is that Emrys needs a more solid motivation. Like, he has goals, but the motivation is sketchy. If it were just about not being enslaved on a pirate ship, there were opportunities to desert or scuttle the ship," Azzie said. "Granted, he's doing better as he goes on, making friends and trying to do right by them. But he's stuck pretty hard on 'it's a pirate's life for me,' and that would make more sense if he were enamored with pirates in his previous, pre-isekai life. Then he could compare how he imagined being a pirate would stack up with actually being a pirate."

If I played my cards right and made my move when we were in sight of land, I was fairly confident that I could stay in Sandara’s good graces. I was substantially less certain about a certain former cabin girl.

"It would be funny if Emrys were a shit sorcerer but masterful at cunnilingus and solved more of his problems with oral sex," Rowana said. "Kind of like an extended episode of Oglaf. But that would be a very different story. And I know we keep suggesting 'funnier' options, and this story is being played fairly straight. Doesn't mean we don't appreciate that, only that we have an eye for the possibilities."

“I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be a ****. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”

"I suppose it's worth saying that fantasy pirates use fantasy pirate rules," Rowana said. "Historical pirates tended to be a bit more egalitarian. The pirates of Umbar, for example..."

"Sweetie, I don't think that counts as historical for their purposes," Azzie interrupted. "But as a general point, it does feel like the rules of this pirate brotherhood are basically set up to encourage assholes rather than cooperative pirating."

I used more paper than I care to admit pulling together a pseudo-spreadsheet

"Aww yeah, that's the isekai stuff," Rowana said. "Now he just needs to invent velcro."

“May I kiss you?”
“May I unlace you?”
“May I kiss your breasts?”
“May I take off my clothes?”
“May I touch you wherever I like?”
“May I enter you?”

"Not normally bitching about sex scenes, but this is the first one in many chapters, and by the Nameless Things that swim in the eternal dark, that's a disappointment," Azzie said. "I'm not saying that the whole chapter needs to be a bunch of thrusting and moaning and declarations of eternal love and massive impregnating loads, but like, give us five paragraphs to tide us over."

“It’s a good look.” Conchobar noted, “I don’t think Syl or Sandara would appreciate it, but I don’t know what they’re into.”

"I feel like there's a gnome cock joke to be made there," Rowana noted. "Although gnome mean something else in Middle-Earth."

“Yeah, and I’m still trying to decide what to do about it.” I hissed, “my word against his isn’t going to end in my favor.”

"I feel like a highly discriminate **** is called for," Azzie said. "Like, this is the point of time where if Emrys were still assistant cook, he could just give the captain food poisoning or something."

"No idea what the captain's resistance roll would be," Rowana pointed out. "And there's plenty of anti-poison and cure disease magic."

"Okay, fine, point," Azzie said.

I wanted to use my time **** productively

"Spreadsheets," Rowana said, with a roll of her eyes.

“Mage to the stern!”

"I do like mixing fantasy and nautical talk," Azzie said. The Uruk-Hai laid her hand on Rowana's thigh and squeezed gently. "I would like to see a woman about a little boat..."

"After one last trip to the bathroom," Rowana promised as she leaned forward, her great gut leading the way. "Then we finish this—"