Romancing The Umbramancer 2

“You sure you wanna know?” Skylar nods, interested in what I have to say. The waiter chooses that moment to bring out our food and drinks. He sets down our meals in front of us, along with two glasses of moscato on the table. “Enjoy!” He says, before scampering away to attend to other customers. I take a sip of my wine and a bite of my food, before I begin talking.

“I didn’t have a whole lot of friends as a kid, but I did have a couple. One of them was a girl who came to my primary school when we were both in year 6. Her name was Ashley, but she insisted that her friends called her Ash. We drifted together for one reason or another, and we hung out occasionally outside of school.”

“She was always nice to me for some reason, regardless of what all the rumours about me said. I had a crush on her at some points, but she turned me down, saying she just wanted to stay as friends. I was a bit sad, but I understood. Her friendship was nice. We went to the same high school, but in year 8, she moved to a different school. She only ever stayed in contact with me from her old school. She said that nobody else from there was worth it.”

“We kept hanging out over the years, and she’d invite me over to watch a movie occasionally. We both loved horror movies, and she moved into a new house where her parents had a home cinema, which was really cool. We’d grab some food, get back to her place and watch a movie in her home cinema. She made me watch the Divergent movies.” I chuckle as I remember.

“I was about 17 when it happened, it was just after the new year. I’d been questioning my gender ever since I turned 17. I’d realised a few years before that I was interested in trans women, but I hadn’t considered until then that I might actually be one myself.”

“I made lists of different reasons, the pros and cons and whatever, but I always came out with the same conclusion: I was a man. There was no way I could be trans, right? I didn’t tell anybody about this, I was too afraid. I lived in an extremely judgemental place, and I never felt safe. But eventually, I worked up the courage to tell Ash.”

“She suggested that we try something. She had a pretty nice wig, and was super talented at makeup. She suggested that she’d do my makeup and put the wig on me, just so I could see how it felt. See if I’d like it. So one day, I went over to her house when her parents weren’t home, and we did just that. She spent an hour doing my makeup to make sure the look was perfect.”

“She didn’t let me look at it at all until she was done with everything. She made sure that the makeup was perfect and that the wig was put on properly and sat right. Then she sent me to the bathroom so I could look in the mirror and see how I felt. Of course, she followed me there. She wanted to see what my reaction was.”

I look down, take a deep breath and smile happily at Skylar as I remember that day. “When I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time, I was absolutely stunned. The sheer sense of elation and happiness that went through me is something that really can’t be described. It genuinely was like I was living in darkness my whole life, and somebody just switched on the light.”

Skylar smiles widely, sharing in the joy that I’m expressing with this story. “I had to hold myself back from crying happy tears because I didn’t want to ruin the makeup.” I chuckle. “I was so happy that I nearly cried. A bit weird isn’t it? But that’s how it was. Seeing myself like that….it was the first time in years that I’d felt confident in how I looked.”

“Seeing myself in the mirror with my makeup done and my hair looking all pretty, even if it was just a wig, it was the first time that I could remember where I could look in the mirror and say genuinely ‘Damn I look good’, without holding back a level of self consciousness or self doubt. All of that self hatred just disappeared when I looked at myself in the mirror that day.”

“It’s difficult to describe just how much of a sense of awe, joy and confidence that I felt when I looked in the mirror. I was giggling like a little girl - something I’d also never done before. Ash and I decided to go out, to see how I felt in the outside world like this. Not far, just to a local McDonald's. She gave me a dress of hers to put on and some nice shoes, then did her own makeup and put on a nice outfit.”

“We went to the Macca's, placed our order and waited for our food. When the manager there gave us our food, he said ‘Have a nice night ladies.’ We looked at each other and smiled, and when we were both out of earshot, we started giggling again like little girls. I’d passed! Somebody had thought I was a woman, and it made me so ridiculously happy.”

“When I got home that night, and I’d taken all the makeup off, the wig and the dress, I was getting ready for bed and I was replaying the entire experience in my mind. That was when it clicked for me. In my heart and mind, in my soul, I knew that I was a trans girl. It felt right in a way that nothing else really ever had.”

I look back up at Skylar to find her with tears in her eyes. “That’s such a beautiful story, I’m so happy for you.” She says, smiling. I smile broadly back at her. “There’s a lot of talk in the mainstream about trans people. I find that nobody in the mainstream really ever highlights how joyous it can be. I found myself that day. The real me. When I started transitioning at 18, I never looked back.”

“I’m proud of you Gemma. You deserve to be confident in yourself and proud of who you are.” Skylar says, as I take another bite of my fish. I nod, smiling at her, swallowing before answering. “Thank you, I appreciate it. It’s been amazing. The more feminine I am, the more confident and proud of myself that I feel. Not that I’m any less socially awkward, but you know how it goes.”

“You’re not that bad. I’ve seen people who are worse at social interaction. What happened with Ash by the way? She seems like such a lovely person. Really supportive too.” I smile, chuckling at the memories I have with her. “She is a lovely person. She got more and more busy with other stuff though, and we drifted apart. She moved away, and we haven’t spoken since unfortunately. I hope she’s doing well though. She was a light in my life at a very dark time. She deserves happiness.”

Skylar nods, smiling at me. We eat in silence for a few minutes, silently enjoying each others company. The silence is comfortable, and being around her feels right, even when we aren’t talking. It’s a great feeling. Eventually, I break the silence when something crosses my mind. “I really want to get a cat sometime soon.”

“I’m not surprised. You really loved Lily, your reaction to seeing her was adorable.” “Shush! Cats are great. Dogs are great too, I love both. I want both, both are cute.” Skylar giggles at my fawning over imaginary pets. “You are so cute.” “Stop itt, I’m a scary goth girl.” “You need more piercings for that. A nose ring would suit you.” She comments, the cheekiness of that statement only apparent in her eyes. “I’d hate the feeling of it.” Skylar chuckles at that.

“It can be a bit weird sometimes. I can’t always tell if my nose is running or if my piercing feels cold. It’s sometimes like somebody constantly pressing an icepack into your nostrils.” I snort at her words, accidentally snorting some water out of my nose, and Skylar redoubles her laughter. This sends us both into a fit of laughter that lasts for a few minutes as I dab a napkin to my face. “Sorry, that was just unexpected.” I apologise. “No no it’s okay. You’re strange, but that’s one of the reasons I like you.”