Reed Richards Builds An Interdimensional Porn Channel

"Susan? Darling?" Reed Richards said, smiling shyly. "I have a solution to your difficulties."

Inwardly, Sue Storm wanted to die. It was almost midnight; she was in an oversized Fantastic Four t-shirt that she used as a nightgown, and Reed Richards was hiding his hands behind his back. Nothing good was going to come of this, and she knew that. Yet she put a smile on her face and made an invisible window straight through his torso.

He wasn't holding a box of chocolates or a Skrull shape-shifting sex toy or bottle of Champagne. It looked like a smartphone with a rainbow-colored crystal embedded in one end.

"I know our tastes have...diverged a bit," Reed went on. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. People change over time. I know how powerful curiosity is, how the brain is the greatest erogenous zone in the body...metaphorically speaking, the clitoris and nipples still have more sensory nerve endings per square millimeter. The brain itself cannot actually feel anything, even when you have a headache that's really the muscles on—"

"Reed? My dearest husband? What are you hiding behind your back?" Sue said, letting the invisible window vanish so that she could no longer see straight through him.

With a flourish, Mister Fantastic pulled out the device into plain view.

"This is an interdimensional viewer," he said. "It's currently synchronized with the large flatscreen in our bedroom, although you can connect it to any high-definition screen nearby. It accesses a theoretically infinite number of adult entertainment channels from across the multiverse! I actually piggybacked onto the quantum computing architecture used by the Watchers to—"

Sue frowned.

"English, dearest."

"Oh. Yes. It lets you watch pornographic programming. Any kind. Every alien species, every conceivable sex act—well, there are a few that are illegal; you can't see any that involve non-sapient animals or beings below the age of consent, but I hardly think that's an issue," he said and handed her the remote. "Here, try it out. It's very intuitive. There's a touchscreen, and voice activation for hands-free access. It uses a variant of H.E.R.B.I.E.'s synthetic intelligence."

There was one button. Sue touched it. The device lit up, and the screen opposite the bed came to life. Sue Storm saw a simple search frame appear.

"Go ahead," he said. "Ask it for something."

"H.E.R.B.I.E.," Sue Storm said hesitantly. "Show me, um, a naked female Skrull."

The screen blinked, and then on the screen Sue Storm saw the most exquisitely stacked Skrull she had ever encountered, breasts fit for a herd of cows, skin as green as a four-leaf clover, long hair about her shoulders. She was basking on a white beach towel on purple sand, a camera slowly panning over her voluptuous body as a hissing, sibilant instrumental music that Sue Storm could only call snake jazz played softly.

Reed Richards beamed.

"Anyway, I'll leave you to it. Henry Pym is trying to hack every data center in the world to compute the names of God, and I need to sabotage his math."

"Okay, dear," Sue Storm said, a strange knot of tension and excitement in her stomach. "Thank you so much for such a... thoughtful...gift."