Quiet Before the Storm

The sound of laughter carried from the world below, through the open window to wake Lily from her slumber. Her heart seemed to freeze in her chest when she noticed Logan’s arm draped over her bare chest. Her face dropped into a disappointed grimace as she lifted his arm off her and placed it at his side. He grumbled incoherently, slowly coming to life.

“Good morning” he yawned.

“Morning.” Her words were sharp and quick, like a chop of a knife.

“How’d you sleep?” He asked propping himself on his elbows and looking at her with a satisfied pride.

“Fine.” She wasn’t giving much.

“Nice, nice. Doooo you want to get breakfast?”

“I actually have somewhere to be this morning.” She lied.

“Right” he relented, searching her face for any hint of what she was thinking. But she was expressionless, unreadable. It was as if he was looking at a stranger, which seemed right as Lily was feeling like a stranger in her own body.

Logan got the hint and rolled out of bed, slipping his clothes on before walking to the door confused and worried.

“Talk soon?” He asked with a cautiously hopeful smile.

Lily only nodded softly, like she was unsure, as he walked out the door.

She lay motionless in bed for a while, contemplating the mess she had made of herself. Her pillow was drenched in quiet tears. How could I be so fucking stupid? I just ruined everything! She accepted the fact that there was no longer a future with Jake. She had stepped too far, crossed a line, thrown everything away and for what? One night? One surprisingly wonderful night? She cursed herself for enjoying it.

God none of this would have fucking happened if I would have stayed my normal self, she screamed internally. But what was her normal self? Was it the modestly dressed and studious golden child that defined her high school years? Or was it this? She couldn’t claim that cheating wasn’t her because, well, she had cheated. She didn’t get to wave away the guilt by saying that it wasn’t ‘like’ her. Her actions were her’s and her’s alone.

It felt good in the moment, great even. To be wanted, to be tended to, to be so sought after. To be that sexual creature, an object of a man’s lust. To allow a man to take out the frustrations that she had inspired in him. But Jake fills that so well, I didn’t have to find it somewhere else!

Her phone buzzed with Jake’s daily good morning text. She didn’t respond, she couldn’t through the burst of tears it elicited.

Every range of emotion was felt in the hours that followed. At times she’d excuse her actions as the only logical conclusion to the way she had been acting and how Jake pushed her farther and farther. Other times, she’d punish herself for thinking that and not taking accountability for her own decision. Through it all, the only thing she wanted was Jake. She wanted to be held by him, kissed by him. She wanted to feel close to him. She wanted to feel his touch again, and the way his fingertips worshiped every groove and dip on her skin. To feel full of him as they reaffirmed their love in a carnal bond. She choked on her own breath as she accepted the possibility that such a thing may never come to be.

The next few days were marked by Lily dressing slightly more conservatively, no longer trying to attract the attention of coeds around the school— though she did miss it. She responded to Jake less frequently and when she did it lacked any depth, fearing that he would somehow figure her out if she showed any kind of tenderness or emotion. She explained it away by attributing it to stress over midterms, Jake not knowing that midterms had actually occurred last week. The impending trip back home was weighing heavy over her and she tried not to think about it. She attempted to ignore Logan as best she could, leaving his messages on read and rushing past him in the hall. She couldn’t bear to interact with any man in her life while she figured herself out. Though a few times she caught the corners of her mouth curling upwards as he managed to sneak a quick flirt in before she had the chance to sneak by, kicking herself and holding back the smile every time.

“So when are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?” Amanda said to her as they returned home from lunch.

“What do you mean?” Lily played dumb as a defense mechanism.

“You’ve been all mopey since I got back home, do I need to have you committed?”

The floodgates opened and Lily collapsed into a bawling heap of pathetic depression.

“Woah, woah” Amanda’s tone shifted to one of genuine love and care “what’s going on hun?”

Lily sniveled for a minute or two before admitting in a pained wail “I fucked Logan!” The words stinging as they escaped her lips.

“Ooooh shit,” Amanda let the fact simmer on her brain for a moment “was it good?”

Lily shot her a glare as if to tell her she was on thin ice after her failed attempt at levity. Truth be told, yes it was. It was very nice. But that didn’t excuse it.

“I’m going home to see Jake this weekend!” Lily cried “I have to tell him, but I don’t want it to end Amanda.”

Amanda didn’t speak, she just held her crying friend. No words could soothe the troubled girl and there was no point in filling her head with hope for happy ending. There was no telling what the fallout would be, but the obvious answer hung heavy in the air.

“You and Jake have something really special” Amanda began, Lily’s heart only breaking again “I hope that this is just a speed bump for you guys.“ Amanda squeezed Lily tighter “but no matter what, I’m here for you girl.”