A Meditation on a Man’s Mind

Jake held his phone in one hand and his dick in the other. Pumping away in unison to the thrusts in the video he was watching. It was a video of him and Lily, taken last year. She was always down to let him take pictures or film their escapades, perhaps that was the first sign of the new life they lead. Lily was bent over for the camera, yelping and moaning as his cock drove in and out of her. As he watched, it wasn’t the memory of that day on his mind. No, instead he was picturing someone else wielding his faceless appendage. Some generic yet conventionally attractive stranger. This had been a common routine for him lately, the taboo fantasy taking hold and becoming more prominent in his self pleasure than the image of Lily in her own right.

He laid in bed still throbbing after his finale, wondering what the hell was wrong with him to have such thoughts. He tried to introspect but found no answers, the desire in him going against everything that had been ingrained in him. Seemingly rebelling against his biology.

He knew that he loved nothing more than to witness Lily unraveling in ecstasy. It was his favorite sight, and in times where she beat him to the finish line the sights and sounds of her orgasm would draw him quickly over the edge behind her. To Jake, Lily was the most gorgeous woman to ever be seen. The epitome of beauty and desire. So obviously, by extension, that must be a fact of nature— true to every man who was blessed with learning of her existence, right? And most of all, he knew she was his. That much was clear in the way that even as she strut about campus with her body on display, or posted thirst traps to her public social media feeds, or tortured men with her allure, she was always there to share the experience with him. Using her stories and screenshots to elevate his sexual pleasure.

Yes, there was jealousy. Yes, there was fear. But the bad emotions seemed only to fan the flames of his fantasy. As if they were part of it too, like they could not be torn from one another. A symbiotic tango of emotions. The risk heightening the reward, kind of like that blowjob in the back of the crowded movie theater in Junior year.

Jake wondered if he got the same rise imagining Lily bearing witness to him and another girl. He was a man and naturally his eyes wandered on occasion, but he was aware of how imagining a romp with another woman always seemed to feel flat compared to dreaming of Lily. Whether in the context of these intrusive fantasies or not. He had a floor mate, Cassie, who drew his eye from time to time. A short blonde with a nice butt and taught stomach, topped by a tantalizingly average pair of breasts, who was always cheerful when he ran into her. Given a chance, if he were single, he certainly wouldn’t turn down a night with her. He tried to imagine an outlandish scenario in which her, Logan, Lily, and himself were all in the same room. In his fantasy he was fucking Cassie doggystyle while he watched Lily ride Logan. While the secret daydream did give him enough release to occasionally revisit, it did not fill his cup in the same way that picturing Lily being the sole practitioner of some open dynamic did. He could easily live with Lily being the only person he ever lays with, but as time went on he wasn’t so sure he would be able to sit with Lily not fulfilling his fantasies of her.

He searched the internet without clear direction for an explanation to what he was feeling. How would he even put his complex thoughts into words? He tried keyword after keyword, only ever coming up with blog posts and support forums for victims of infidelity. Eventually, after devising a comically long winded search query, his mind was opened to a surprisingly active and populated online community. Reddit was his first stop, as is commonly true with almost any question these days. He found subreddit after subreddit of people just like him. There were discussion boards where people told stories and voiced concerns just like his, amateur forums where couples shared their exploits living the fantasy that he replayed so often, caption posts where naughty scenarios were overlayed on gifs and pictures from mainstream porn. Each subreddit, and post for that matter, had varying degrees of scandal. Some things he enjoyed, picturing himself and Lily and some hunky stranger in those situations. Other things he found mean spirited and a turn off. He resolved not to flush the baby with the bathwater as he had finally felt seen.

And so, he spent his days juggling his academic studies with studies of this new kink. He was disappointed in the fact that the discussion boards always seemed to get ever so close to how he was feeling, but never quite captured his entire range of thoughts, emotion, or motivation. Perhaps this was the nature of a fetish, left to one’s own interpretation. Over time he was more and more able to put his thoughts into words, though never perfectly, and he was still unsure he could share them with Lily. What if she thinks Im weird? What if she thinks it’s because I don’t love her anymore? What if she thinks it’s because I want a girl on the side?

What if the reality is harder to grapple with than the fantasy? The worry was quieter after learning more about this oddly common lifestyle, but it was never quieted. There was still a concern that if it ever were to happen, post nut clarity would hit him like a freight train and crush him. Lily and I could weather that right? But would I see her in a different way?

He had all the time in the world to mull things over, but simultaneously felt like the clock was ticking as he waited for an opportunity to possibly-maybe-but-probably-not actualize his dreams. At least, for the time being, he could rest easy knowing that he could trust Lily not to take any liberties behind his back. He loved her, he appreciated her, and he trusted her like nobody else.