Professor Jake

"Can you believe it Jakey? We're about to enter the prestigious Cambridge University! Just think - you'll be among thousands of people and officially the dumbest one there by a mile. I bet that won't be good for your self-esteem huh?"

"I don;t give a shit about that. I just want to get this done as quickly as possible so you'll put my sister back to normal and fuck off out of my life again." Jake spoke into his phone as the pair made their way inside campus "Hopefully for good this time."

"Aww, don't be like that Jakey. Besides, you know I can't leave until I've completed my mission to find you your true love. Maybe it will be with some sexy young genius you meet here. I mean, it seems extremely unlikely but opposites do attract, right?"

"And your best plan for helping me find true love is us playing yet another prank on Jenny Hodges twenty years after it was even vaguely appropriate to do that?"

"Nah, punking Little Jenny Jerkoff is more like a bonding exercise to help us to reconnect and reestablish our old rapport after all these years. I just can't believe our luck that she chose to work in an all girls college. I'm tellin' ya man, this place is gonna be like something out of a nineties movie!"

"No, you're like something out of a nineties movie, and a straight to DVD one at that. Newnham College is one of the most esteemed academic institutions in the country, if not the world. It was founded all the way back in the nineteenth century and it's one of just two ladies only colleges still in existence in the UK."

"Gee, thanks Wikipedia." Bash rolled his eyes "Look, all I'm saying is this place is going to be like a giant frikkin' convention of sexy nerd girls just begging to be messed with!"

"No, that wasn't our agreement, Bash" Jake sighed wearily "We're just going to play one little harmless and innocent prank on Jenny, which I have to approve of in advance, and then we're out of here for good. So don't go getting any ideas about this turning into some godawful Rob Schneider movie. And how am I even supposed to convince any of the people here, who as you keep reminding me are all way smarter than I am, that I have any business at an all girls college anyway?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question, my friend. Mind. Zap." Bash answered before looking like he had a sudden revelation "Or I could turn you into a sexy cheerleader chick. Didn't that happen in a Rob Schneider movie?"

"No fucking way!" Jake panicked "Just fucking mind zap everyone!"

"Not interested in gender bending huh? I think I'd quite enjoy having a hot female body of my own to explore for a while, but each to their own. Since you're so keen for me to - and I quote - "Just fucking mind zap everyone" we can go with your devilish plan instead."

The pair walked on until they reached a grand looking and probably National Trust listed building.

"Okay, we're here. Just let me handle this, no mind manipulating!" Jake ordered his friend before considering that for a moment and adding a caveat "unless it looks like I'm really struggling."

"Sure thing, you're the one in charge of this prank, buddy. I'm only here to assist!"

Jake walked into the reception area and up to someone he assumed, purely from her age, must be a current student here manning the desk for a bit of spare cash or perhaps just to help out.

He could tell she was naturally attractive but had dressed herself down in a very conservative way, with her hair tied back and granny glasses, almost as if she thought brains and beauty should be mutually exclusive and had chosen to project the former.

"Welcome to Newnham College. How can I help you?"

The receptionist was smiling at Jake warmly enough to settle his nerves a little. Part of him felt like he was strolling into a women's locker room just by being here, but he tried to remind himself it was just a place of learning and that males weren't banned from setting foot on the premises if they had a legitimate reason to be there.

"Hello. I was hoping to meet with one of the tutors here, Jenny Hodges."

"Of course. Do you have an appointment?"

"No" Jake had to admit.

"Okay, that isn't necessarily a problem. Can I take a name?"

Right. Just about anything but Jake Lester ought to work here.

"Er, My name is Micheal. Um......" Fuck, what surnames were there? Smith or Jones would be too obvious as an alias. Why couldn't he think of any others? There must be literally thousands! If he didn't come up with something soon this was going to look pretty fucking sketchy "Micheals"

"Michael Michaels" the woman jotted it down, apparently unperturbed "And what did you want to see Jennifer about?"

Good question. What did Jake want to see Jenny, or Jennifer now apparently, about. Not to play a prank on her, that wouldn't get him an appointment. But what other reason could he possibly have for being here? As Jake began to get flustered, Bash stepped forward, cupped his hand to the girl's ear and spoke hypnotically at her.

"Professor Michaels is a world class expert in boobies and an extremely important man. Jennifer will want to see him without delay."

"Sorry, I recognise you now" the girl smiled before picking up the phone on the desk in front of her "Hello Jennifer. we have a Professor Michaels here to see you. I believe he is an anatomist of some renown. Shall I send him up?"

She then placed the phone down and looked back at Jake.

"She's happy to see you right away. Her office is is on the third floor, fourth door on the left."

"It's just that easy!" Bash boasted as they made their way towards the stairs.

Jake was relieved the exchange had gone relatively smoothly and without any significant incidents until he turned around and couldn't help noticing that the formerly studious looking receptionist was now dressed like a slutty cheerleader, with the colleges name emblazoned across her chest, and was sitting on top of the desk rather than behind it like that was all was perfectly normal.

"What the fuck did you so that for? She was nice! She helped us!" Jake hissed.

"And I'm being nice and helping her" Bash shrugged "Anyway, it was you who put hot cheerleader chicks in my head by going on about Rob fucking Schneider movies. There was no way I was leaving here without someone getting turned into one."

---

"God I really don't think I can go through with this. What if she recognises me?"

"Don't worry, she won't. You look way different from when you were an eight year old" Bash reassured his panicking friend as they approached Jennifer' office "You didn't have that stupid attempt at a beard for a start. And your hairline wasn't receding."

"What? It's not receding, that's just how the barber styled it! And what's wrong with my facial hair?"

"Oh, nothing pal. I was just kidding around with you, I'd say you look positively dashing. Have you ever considered catalogue modelling?"

The conversation was brought to a natural end as they reached their destination, though Jake would almost have preferred to continue to endure Bash's mockery over the experience he was about to be put through.

"What are you waiting for, buddy?"

"This is a weird fucking moment for me, Bash" Jake whispered back "I haven't seen this girl in years and I feel a lot of remorse for what we used to do to her. I mean, mainly you, but she definitely blamed me for all of it."

"Hehe, sucks to be you."

"Anyway, I'd appreciate a couple moments to compose myself and think about how I'd like to go about this rather than just going charging in, okay? And I'm really serious this time."

"Sure man. I can respect that."

"Thanks"

"But just 'cos I respect something that doesn't mean I have to go along with it. We're going charging in!"

"Bash, no!"

"I hope for your sake you've got your clothes on baby 'cos I'm coming right in!" Bash shouted in Jake's voice before kicking the door open and shoving his friend into the room.