Pack my bags

Eric rushed into the apartment, his voice breaking through the silence like a bulldozer, "Jodie!" His voice was a mix of worry and anger as he ran into their room. When the door swung open he already knew the truth. She was gone.

"Eric!" Lauren ran out of her room. "Eric! What happened?!"

"Jodie….she….I don't know. She got mad about something and took off...Did she not come home?"

"She came in about twenty minutes ago, picked up a bag and left. I tried asking her what was wrong but all she'd say was men are assholes….Eric, what happened?"

“I don’t know.”

“Did someone do or say something to her?”

“I don’t know we were talking about this band and she just...lost it and took off with Janet.”

“Did you ask her?”

“I tried, but these….idiots kept yelling at me and making things worse.”

“Did you try calling her or Janet?”

“It just goes to voicemail.”

“I’m sure she’ll calm down eventually and call you back.”

“I hope so.” Eric sat on the corner of their bed, replaying the night in his head over and over, trying to sift for clues as to what could have upset her. It couldn’t be just about liking a band she didn’t like. They had known since jr.high that they had some overlap in music tastes but some bands he loved she hated and some bands she loved he hated so….why would she curse him out for liking a band she didn’t?

Jodie dropped herself and her bag onto Janet’s couch with a disgusted sigh. This was not the first time Jodie had been to Janet’s house. The living room felt larger than it was and was perfect for parties or get-togethers which Janet always wanted to have but never did.

Janet sat close beside Jodie handing her a spoon and a small pint of ice cream, "I'm not hungry."

"You're a girl and you're upset over a boy, trust me, you'll want this." She sat a small bottle of vodka on the coffee table, "This also helps." Opening the container she took her first scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, followed by a quick drink of vodka. “So." Janet said after a couple minutes of silently eating her own ice cream, "You wanna tell me why I’m here with you instead of my boy toy?”

Jodie rolled her eyes, “Just….like, no.” she savored the taste as she bit into a piece of dough.

“Then you won’t mind if I call Eric to come pick you up.”

“What?! No!”

“Then, Lucy, you got some splainin to do.” Jodie bit her lip, before explaining all Eric had said before the fight. “Uh Huh….So he liked the keyboard player so of course he’s an asshole.” Jodie shrugged. “And that birthmark on your booby has nothing to do with your mood?”

“That? It’s nothing.” Janet sat silently staring at Jodie. Her face making it clear she did not believe her story one bit. “S-some asshole, like, signed my chest. It’s nothing. It happens.”

“Uh huh. Any asshole we know?”

Jodie sighed, she was too drained from the anger she felt in the club to the sobbing fits she had in the car ride over to lie, “Xander.”

“Oh." Jodie took another drink, "He didn’t recognise you did he?”

“No. He thought I was, like, some stupid groupie. But, like, that’s not the worst of it. They….they replaced me.”

“What do you mean?”

“The band got a new keyboard player. All this time, like, I thought maybe after this was done I could just, like, I don’t know, maybe, I could, like, just….go back to them and maybe….be Jordan again.” Unbidden her tears rolled down her cheeks as she mourned the loss of a major part of her former life.

Janet put her arm around the crying girl trying to soothe her. "Shh, it's gonna be okay. Those guys were assholes."

"They were my friends!"

Janet clenched her jaw and handed her a glass of scotch, she had to rip the band-aid off for Jodie to heal, "Name one time they called you to hang out outside of practice. Cause all I remember was you calling them incessantly to come hang out or hit up some club." Jodie bit her lip trying to find one time….there had to be one. "What about this, did they even try to talk or message you in any way that didn't have to do with practice or gigs?"

"Well-"

"Without you messaging them first?"

"But they're my friends...we did hang out a lot."

"When you had **** or bought rounds."

".... you're right….they didn't like me….no wonder, I’m a freak. Maybe I always was."

“That’s simply not true.”

“Look at me!”

“I am, and I think it’s time you do as well.” Janet stood Jodie up and pulled her to her feet, leading her into the bathroom. “Look at you.”

“I’ve seen it plenty.” Jodie turned from her reflection only for Janet to **** her to face it again.

“What have you seen then?”

“A sideshow freak, okay?! Heshe the great bearded lady!” Again she tried to look away and again she was countered by Janet’s forceful hand.

“Look! You hurt her feelings.”

“So?”

“Would you say this to anyone else?”

“What?”

“I’ve known you long enough to know you could be a jerk sometimes but you were never a rat bastard. So why would you say something so mean to her?”

“Because she’s….because I know what she really is.”

“And what’s that?”

“Me.”

“So? Would you say such things if it was some other woman?”

“....No.”

“Then why say it to yourself? Why think it? What good is it doing you?”

Jodie shrugged, “It’s true though. No one likes the real me. I don’t even like the real me.”

"Plenty of people like you, the real you. Like me for instance."

"No you don't….you've been, like, so mean since I got this job."

"Like I said, I went overboard but I'm trying to be nicer. Because despite what you think,I still care about you.” Jodie shook her head, her red wavy hair spilling over her face like a turbulent ocean. Janet tucked Jodie’s falling hair out of her face, “Tell me three things you like about Tiffany.”

“What?”

“Just trust me one more time okay?”

“She’s nice? She’s a good friend? She’s beautiful?”

“Now, is any of that not true about you?”

“Yes.”

“From what I’ve seen you’ve been nicer than you’ve ever been.” Jodie blushed, she knew it was true but that wasn’t exactly a high bar to clear. “And you’ve gone out of your way to spend time with Tiffany, and comfort her when she’s sad, right?” Jodie shrugged.

“But I’m not beautiful so….” She left her words hanging in the air like a victory banner.

“No? I could ask anyone from work or on the street if you were beautiful and they’d say you are. And I’ve seen the way you pretend not to smile when one of those guys calls you beautiful. You like it. You were even beautiful before you got your boobs." Janet pushed the sides of Jodie's breasts together as if her breasts needed any more emphasis.

"I….I'm not supposed to have tits."

"Then why did you get them?"

"I... you made me."

"Oh no sweetie, you did this all on your own. I just took you home after your surgery. Frankly, I was shocked. Both by the fact I was still your emergency contact and that you had them done."

"I didn't mean to!"

"People don't just stumble into a doctor's office and walk out with boobs. Some part of you wanted to let this happen."

"What?! Why would I!"

Janet took pity on her confused ex boyfriend turned girl, "just because you wore the wild hair and makeup doesn't mean you still weren't repressed. Sometimes things like that we do because it's all we know we can get away with safely."

Jodie frowned and tried to stare at the floor but her vision was blocked by her own chest, "No." Her weak reply. 'It's not true. It can't be. This is just that... gaslighting thing. I'm not...I never wanted...any of this.'

"So you're just using Eric then?"

"What?! No!"

"Uh Huh and did you two hook up before all of this?"

"...no."

"And now you are. Something was getting repressed all this time and I think part of you is just tired of it all. The same part that wants men, wants Eric...wants to be beautiful."

Jodie tried to reconcile Janet's words with her own actions in the past, none of this could've been true could it? Had she -had he- wanted this all along? Between the ****, her swirling emotions and the heavy subject matter it was impossible for her to nail down any one thought. “I’m, I’m not supposed to be beautiful. I’m not supposed to like it.”

“Who said?” She didn’t need to ask, she already knew the very two to implant these thoughts in Jodie’s head. “Do you like it?”

“I’m not-”

“I didn’t ask that. Do you like it?” Jodie slowly nodded, unable to look her in the eye, she had to admit she didn’t hate every aspect of her life now. “Does it hurt anyone?” Jodie shook her head, “Then why hate liking something that makes you happy?”

Jodie’s face showed resistance to the new information. Doing what made her happy was always bad, even when it hurt no one. Jordan existed to be an extension of his parents excellence, not his own person and certainly not a girl. "I think you'll find allowing yourself to be happy a lot better than what you've been doing up until now." Janet slowly leaned in and kissed her lips.a She watched as Janet removed her top exposing her breasts. They weren't as large as Jodie's, a comparison she never thought she'd make, but they were still beautiful with the slightest hint of a fading bikini top tan line.

"What are you doing?"

"I think you remember. It hasn't been that long." She laughed, throwing her top aside. Sure it had not been that long since she last had sex, but sex with a woman was different. Janet pulled Jodie close for another kiss. This time Jodie couldn't resist kissing her back. Janet was familiar, comfortable, no matter what she had said or done it was as comfortable as slipping on a warm coat. As their kissing turned into making out she couldn't stop drawing comparison between her and Eric.

Something was missing from their kiss, something she didn't know she was missing in the first place. "Wait…" Jodie pushed Janet away, gasping for air and trying to quiet that urge stirring in her shorts that said continue. "We...we can't."

"Why not?"

"...I have a boyfriend."

"That hasn't exactly stopped you before." It was true, Jordan was weak whenever it came to temptations of the flesh in the past. But Jodie was different...or at least she wanted to be.

"I know and I'm sorry my life is already so, like, complicated already I don't want to make it worse. Besides, what about Aaron?"

"We're not serious. It's just a bit of fun."

Jodie looked her in the eye for the first time that night, "I think it is for him."

Janet sighed and stepped away, the girl was right. "Yeah."

"I like him." Jodie picked up her bag from the living room.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting a hotel?"

"You can stay here if you want. No need to waste money on a hotel."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay with me staying?"

"Yeah. Besides, someone's gotta take you to the airport in the morning."

"Thank you." Janet nodded and walked to her room for a cold shower.

Jodie decided, after finishing her ice cream, to take a warm bath. Something that she missed doing but she hadn't done in years since the apartment only had showers. Baths were much more relaxing to her and after the night she had she really needed to relax and just shut off her brain.