Invite Cindi to your graduation.

It amazes you how hard it still is to reach out. You are in a much better head space than you were the last time you spoke, but it still feels like you are still in that room, searching for the words to say. However, you know that isn't really reality. You know what you need to say and you are prepared for Cindi to not be able to hear it. At her worst, she can't hurt you enough to actually pull you back to that place. You are ready, and you hope she is too.

Of course, it's also practically very hard to reach out. Cindi is getting ready to go to Yale and your number and all your social media accounts are still blocked. Emma is your only shared connection, but she isn't talking to her either. You ask some one of her former friends from your one night stands to try to reach out, but from your initial queries, it seems like none of them made the cut either. There is a very real chance you won't be able to get the closure you want in person, so you start writing out a letter to include with your invitation. You are on the line, 'I wish I had really gotten to know you before our last conversation together. If I had...' when your phone rings with a number you don't recognize.

There is a long pause, too long really, but something tells you not to hang up. "....Hey..." Cindi's voice comes through and all your words fail you. "I heard that you wanted to invite me to your graduation..." there is another pause and you are about to go with 'yuh huh' when she continues. "I'd really like to come. I just...I wrote this all down you know. Just for once I wanted to be the one with the perfect words, but I keep tearing them up and starting over. My therapist would ask if I recognize any patterns I might want to change in that..."

You laugh, "Okay, if we have the same therapist that would be wild. Is yours a beige bland boring lady in pantsuits that match her upholstery that makes you keep admitting you know how you've fucked up and the work you need to put into fixing it until it's less frustrating to do the work? Because if she is, I think we have the beginnings of a hit romantic comedy."

Cindi laughs and it's like you are back in her arms again, feeling warm and wanted, "Ha ha! SNRRT No it's that except a man in flannel. Maybe we should get them together and write that horror show? Hee hee. I do know what I want to say to you, Ella, but it's so unfair and childish I am scared to say it out loud. Can...God, here I go being controlling again. I want you to promise not to be mad if I say what I'm going to say and then I'm going to say something that makes you furious and make you a liar. Can I just say it and you can feel however you feel and we can go from there?"

Your heart goes out to her. All your plans go out the window as you breathlessly babble, "Sure thing. I mean, of course you can say anything to me....I mean. Yes." You finally stop stammering, eager to hear what she has to say, somehow still half hoping she will beg to take you back. That will ruin a good four fifths of your speech, but suddenly you are willing to sacrifice that sense of satisfaction.

"You know you broke my heart, right? I mean, you DO know that?" Cindi pauses and you can hear the expectation in your voice. A part of you realizes this must be true, but you are still a little frustrated that she stole your best line. "You told me you didn't scare easy. You told me you wanted to get to know the REAL me. Then the first time you saw the real me you ran away scared. All I had to do was block you. You didn't beat down my door. You didn't throw pebbles at my window. You didn't fight for me. I know you're a fighter. So what...I wasn't worth it?"

Your script goes out the window and your save the day speech has long been shredded. All you have left is the truth. "You were...are worth dying for. But you were asking a traumatized twisted up child to be a soldier in a war against myself. You lied to me from the beginning. I was a game to you. See how much you could show me until you scared me off. Then you struck when I was at my weakest and let me know you never intended to share me. You didn't love Emma. You didn't love me. You just played us against each other like you said you would on our first date. Maybe you learned to love me along the way, if not then fuck you! If so, then fuck you twice! God damn you, I still love you and I don't know how to stop! How dare you?!"

You are shocked to hear a sob on the other end of the line instead of dead air. "Yeah. I was gonna get to that to. I'm sorry, Ella. I wasn't ready to be loved. I wasn't...I wasn't ready to be human. Maybe I will be someday. I hope so. I want to believe that I can choose that. Every day I wake up and I try my damndest, and it's the funniest thing. Trying is better than being almost. Maybe everyone has to try. Maybe that's why everyone is so bad at it. We're all miserable sinners and I am the lowliest of them all...or something like that, but that doesn't make up for me screwing things up between Vanessa and you. I...I think maybe you should invite her to your graduation instead."

There is another long pause. Again, you don't know what to say. You aren't even sure what the truth is anymore. You just open your heart and let it spill out. "I want you there, Cindi. I still want to get to know you. You might still have a lot of work before you're ready to be human or loved, but fuck it, so do I. We are both just dumb babies taking our first steps. But you were the one who taught me to crawl. So yeah fuck you and double fuck you, but thank you for that too. It would mean a lot to me if you were there to watch me toddle across the stage tomorrow. Beyond that I'm all out of promises for the time being. What do you say, Cindirella?"

Cindi laughs and you feel your heart stretch out a little from the tight, tough knot it's formed since you broke up. "Okay. Okay. I'll be there. Maybe we can hang out after. Anyway, I've been bored stiff lately. How have you been other than all the sad stuff?"

You smile, remembering a joke...