I don't need a miracle! I can say it with certainty!! (Pink Trigger's Power >4999)

Like a certain young lover once did, I resisted. Frankly, I threw a bit of a tantrum. I had come back to life from the dead due to my love of these characters! How could I be unqualified to receive the miracle of love?

No, I told them. That was unacceptable. I was certain I was qualified. I was certain my love was worthy.

The two looked at each other with an expression I hadn't seen before. They were still smiling, but it had taken on a new gravity. "Oh... so you come bearing the endorsement of that great witch, do you?" Zepar asked me, raising an eyebrow.

"We can do nothing for you, but if it's that great witch... However, be advised. If that witch denounces your endeavor with certainty..." Furfur trailed off.

The two demons stepped away from me, bowing as they disappeared into the dark. For only a second, I thought they'd finally decided to show me some respect... But then, I felt it. I felt that enormous presence behind me, that asked without speaking how I dared to claim a gesture of fealty to it for myself. By this point, I had an idea of what to expect, so I turned around and immediately fell to my knees. After all, I have to welcome my new guest, and my master...

Ah...!! The Witch of Certainty, Lambdadelta, stood before me, dressed in her frilly pink garb and adorned with all manner of pearls, treats, and ribbons, as well as a pink hat upon her blonde bob of hair. There could be no doubting her identity. You could declare it with, well, absolute certainty.

"Oh! So you do get it, after all!" that witch spoke to me, laughing (and, I thought, hiding something quickly behind her back). "Player, is it? I hadn't planned to show up to Beato's party this early, but then my nose started itching so bad... When someone starts throwing my name around, I've gotta show up and defend my trademark, you know?"

Most of this was incomprehensible to me, but I nodded vigorously. I thanked Lady Lambdadelta again for her time and consideration. Truly, such an honor. Truly, truly-

"Do you have anything to offer me?" Lambdadelta asked, her eyes narrowing slightly. I thought to myself it was the face of a dangerous animal. I didn't say so, of course.

However, this was bad. My mind was blanking. Was there anything I could even offer such a powerful witch? Some sort of treat? I didn't dare to try and use my Pink Trigger. I only saw gruesome ways for it to end. Perhaps that was part of the power of the Witch of Certainty.

"Look, I can see you're freaking out. Take a breath, okay? What I want to know is if you've got an interesting problem I can solve. Something that won't bore me."

Ah... If I was telling the truth, I had no idea how interesting this story would be to Lambdadelta. However, I went over every detail. Guessing that the ordinary house rules didn't apply to this powerful figure, I told her everything from the beginning, even about my encounter with another witch.

"Ah... That's quite a pickle, then! I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but... maybe you'll feel better if I just rip off this band-aid? I'll give you a free bit of my authority." The witch placed a hand on her hip, cleared her throat... then spoke with authority. How can you hear the color red? However it was, that was what I was doing now. "The person known as H. I. Player can never be blessed with love by a character in this story. Wanna know how I know? It's not a big puzzle or anything. Those dancy demons like to drag it out, but I'll tell it to you straight! I know you're not gonna be blessed because you always die at the end of your story, get it?"

Ah... I got it. That was true. How could I be granted the gift of eternal love if, entering that promise, I knew my fate was sealed after a single night?

"Those are the rules that got set up for you. You've got to look at the fine print on these things, contracts with witches!" Far from a sympathetic ally, it seemed like Lambdadelta was enjoying my evident despair at this unvarnished truth. She eventually saw how miserable I looked and seemed to have a change of heart, looking flustered for a moment before regaining her poise. "Hmph! That sorry face of yours is more boring than anything. Tell you what: I've got a great idea for how you can make your lovey-dovey ending happen with certainty! But I'm doing it because I want to mess with that witch you contracted with, okay? It's not a favor for you or anything! Tsun~!"

Ah!! I love you, Lady Lambdadelta! I love all of this story's characters, but especially this generous angel of a witch!!

"All right, sheesh, reign it in! Don't make me take it back! Now, think about this: the whole thing started when you agreed to start reading your smutty writing with this witch, right? You agreed to read your work for this witch, bound by her rules. That's like taking a commission as an artist, you know? She pays you, and she makes you do what she says. You get angry, and frustrated, and eventually you just break ties, burn bridges, and write what you wanna write!"

I carefully nodded my head, sure I was about to get inconveniently skewered by something neither of us saw as I did.

"So here's the trick: take a break from her commission," Lambdadelta offered with a shrug. "You can have that beautiful story where you grow up, have a family, miraculously escape this **** game, or whatever. You can be the protagonist in your own life! All you have to do is this: write the story, and don't share it with anyone. It'll be a special treat to yourself, just for you. Haven't you died enough times to earn it?"

That's right... That's right! Why should I be **** to dance to someone else's tune? That life I wanted... marrying one of those Ushiromiya women, leading them out of misery and certain **** towards a bright future, raising one of those cousins as my own child... Or securing my future with furniture that knew me as both a master and a lover, for all of time... those were within my grasp!

"That's the spirit! There's just one hitch that you have to keep in mind, Player. If you become a character in that story, you have to take a break from being a character in this one. That witch isn't going to let you play both sides! I also can't promise she won't seek ****. But if you're willing to take the risk, I can grant you my protection. I can grant you certainty that you can write your own story."

Ah... I'm moved to tears by this lovely witch's infinite generosity. Then there's no time to waste! I'll begin writing my own story. It might take some time, to record all of the aspects of my happy life in convincing detail, but I'll certainly achieve it.

Thank you, Lady Lambdadelta.

"Don't mention it. Better get going before you lose your nerve, though! Adios, Player!" My master waved me off with a lackadaisical gesture, taking a seat in midair while munching some popcorn.

...