Q&A1

Pie: Hello everybody and welcome to the inaugural Q&A of the Apple Pie branch. Everyone that’s appeared in my branch has gathered here today to answer questions submitted by you, the readers, so thank you to all that have. It’s important to note that this Q&A exists in a reality separate from the branch and everything that happens here is ‘non-canon’ to the main line. Anyway, we have a total of 23 to go through today, so let’s waste no time and get cracking-”

Dew: Ahem. Aren’t you forgetting something?!

Pie: Am I? Hey, stop that!

Dew: You can’t see it right now but I’m stomping on his foot.

Pie: Jokes on you, Kyonchi has already killed all sensation below my waist. Ow! Not my face! Alright, alright. I’d also like to introduce my cost host today, Dew. You’ll be getting to know her well during arc 3. Anyways, our first question...

Dew: I think I should tell you a bit about myself... let’s see here… I like dancing and singing, I’m cute as fuck-

Pie: What are you doing?

Dew: Well that’s your fault for delegating my debut to a goddamn Q&A. How else am I supposed to accurately convey to the readers how cute I am? Fuck you, Pie!

Pie: Well yelling at me isn’t very cute...

Dew: Hey, it works for the fairy.

Saccha: Yeah, this chick knows her shit. What are you, Pie? A pussy? Grow a goddamn backbone you minge flap.

Dew: Okay, whatever. Back to me — I’m cute as fuck, my favourite colour is pink, I’ve got shoulder length brown hair — I would have dyed it pink but Pie here insisted I have to leave it brown-

Pie: If I gave you, a light-wielding elementalist, pink hair, people would just start calling you a Rave clone.

Dew: Well, that wouldn’t matter if I had an author that was talented enough to substantially differentiate me.

Pie: Woah, let’s not go casting shade here, I might just have to switch you to a dark elementalist… Aaanyway, we’re here for a Q&A, remember? Not you.

Dew: That’s it, just for that cringy as fuck joke, I’m getting a new author, one who’ll let me dye my hair pink!

Pie: I could always just box you away until Arc three...

Dew: You can’t send me to my room! You’re not my dad!

Pie: I mean, I did create you.”

Saccha: Oi! Fucknuggets! This is a Q&A, not some shitty family sitcom. Get the fuck on it with!

Pie: Ahem. Right… our first question-

Dew: Oh for fuck’s sake just gimme the mike, why else am I here if not to read out the questions? You don’t just pay me to look pretty right? Question number one comes from Dargon! To John: When you’re not farming for EXP or having sex, what video games do you play?

John: Oh, I haven’t really found the time lately, but I love to play a good RPG. The Witcher, Horizon, Dark Souls, Persona, Bethesda games (although New Vegas is the best Fallout game fite me), Nier, oh, and my childhood favourites: Zelda and Pokémon. I also like fighting games like Smash, BlazBlue, and Mortal Kombat, and I’ve racked up a lot of time in MMOs like WOW and RuneScape. There’s also a few adult Japanese games which will remain unnamed. I could go on but I don’t think we have time for that… damn I really need to get playing again.

Red: Maybe you could show me how to play a few?

John: Seriously?

Red: Yes?

John: You make me a happy man.

Dew: Awww, how… sweet. PIE! When are you gonna give me a boyfriend I can swoon over?!

Pie: B-but why would you need a boyfriend when you have me?!

Dew: Ewww, get away from me! Next question! From Izix-

Pie: He’s a buddy of mine, so check out his branch some time if you haven’t already.

Dew: Don’t interrupt me! To John: What are your thoughts on the Hunters after all of this?

John: They’re pretty nice. Of course I’ll be forever thankful for their help in rescuing my mom, but if you’re asking will I join them, though? No way. I like the comfort of my own bed too much.

Cynthia: Shame. You’d be popular with the ladies around camp.

Miranda: Mhm.

Dew: You must get pretty thirsty living in a forest all the time, huh?

Cynthia: Excuse me?!

Dew: This next question comes from dawodd. To Moira: how do you feel about all the other gods and goddesses besides Gaia?

Moira: Well, it is an interesting question and there’s great deal of scholarship on the subject. Order code prohibits us from the worship of false idols as the Lady is the one true **** of nature. It’s through her love and grace that we live on this Earth and thus it is to her we owe our reverence. Of course cannot deny the existence of the many supremely powerful individuals that walk this Earth, some are even here today, but they are nothing more than that: supremely powerful individual. They’re not a ‘god’ in the same sense that the Lady is, rather they were born of this Earth as you or I were.

Pie: Of course then there’s me…

John: Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask this for a little while now… who are you?”

Pie: Gah! Do you mean to say you don’t recognise your creator? Well, technically I’m not your creator, I suppose. Influencer? Well anyway, I created many of you in this room.

Dew: Shut up! We’re wasting time. Next Question!

Pie: Yes, yes. You’re right.

Dew: Next up we have Lil-Mac who has a question for Saccharine: Do they make sex toys small enough for fae? If so, where do you get them? (Asking for a friend whose name may or may not rhyme with winkerbell)

Saccharine: First of all, ugh, you know that slut? Trust me buddy, she’s bad news. It’s better you stay away. Second, duh. This is the Abyss. The best stores cater to all sizes, you could find a dildo the size of a toothpick of as large as a mammoth’s knocker. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to try one of those out one day…

John: That sounds uncomfortable…

Dew: Okay then… girls can dream, I guess? our next question comes from TheGunslinger-

Pie: Many of you will know him for writing his own branch.

Dew: Stop interrupting me! To John: boxers or briefs?

Saccharine: Ooh! I can answer this one too! Boxers! He has eighteen pairs of boxers but only three briefs. Incidentally, we call briefs budgie smugglers where I’m from.

John: But that question was directed at me… but yeah, boxers. Though now I’m wondering why Saccha knows all that…

Saccharine: Hey! There are a lot of hours in a day, you know? Can’t a girl have a little time alone with her master’s underwear?

John: So that’s why my boxers started smelling like cinnamon…

Dew: Sheesh, you’re all just a bunch of perverts aren’t you?

Pie: You do know what kind of story you’re in… right?

Dew: NEXT QUESTION! From Omnius, the Harem Obsessed. Oh come on, I don’t even need to read the question to know this is going to be dirty. Do I have to?
Pie: Hey, you took the mic off me, remember?

Dew: Fine. To the warg girls: what are your favorite sexual positions?

Red: Missionary or anything that puts John’s head to my pussy. He’s good.

Chey: Cowgirl for men and sometimes women. I like being on top and in charge. Also, I’ll happily claim an cunt or arse from behind with a strap-on. What about you, Lia?

Adelia: Do I have to answer?

Pie: No.

Adelia: Then I refuse.

Chey: She loves it rough and doggy style.

Adelia: Fuck you Chey.

Chey: Oh, she loves doing it infront of others too.

Ellyn: Am I included in this? I’m not a warg…

Chey: Eh, you’re as much apart of the family as I am.

Ellyn: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing but missionary on the bottom is nice… I also like giving oral on my knees or while being sat on… and being double penetrated by Mistress Cheyenne and Mistress Adelia is pretty damn good too.

Granny Smith: Ah yes. When I was young I really loved it in-

Red: Please stop!

Dew: Yes. I’d rather not know! Our next question comes from CalamitousIntent-

Pie: Another author whose branch you should check out~

Dew: SHUT UP! From CalamitousIntent: te- oh no. No no no no no. I’m not reading this one.

Pie: Give it here. Question to everybody (or whoever deigns to answer it): Tentacles?

John: Uh… hard pass.

Red: What John said.

Saccha: Fuck yes, although nothing with suction cups.

Moira: Does he mean to eat?

John: No. You pass.

Chey: I once had a slime bath…

Dew: NO DETAILS PLEASE

Nancy: I like my partners sapient, but a tentacle or two never hurt anyone.

Aurora: It’s quite fun to cast them on others.

Inari: I will not talk about such matters in public.

Aurora: She loves ‘em. I’ve seen it.

Inari: I firmly deny this.

Dew: That’s right. No one in their right mind would let something that gross touch them!

Chey: You smell like a liar.

Dew: I-I’m not! Our next question comes from aaarrr. To Vulpis: how do you feel about readers hatred on you?

Vulpis: I don’t care. I was hated even by my own family. Why would I ever entertain the opinions of humans I have never met?

Red: Don’t listen to him. He deserves ever ounce of hate he gets. I appreciate the support guys.

Dew: Next up is a question from Peanuts. To Moira: why so tsundere?

Moira: I don’t know what that means.

Saccha: It means you're a bitch.

Moira: WHAT?!

John: Saccha, stop stirring up shit. Moira, it means you’re a bit too defensive on the outside but you’re sweet on the inside, you just have trouble expressing it.

Moira: I’M NOT TSUNDERE!

John: Well… you did hit me on more than one occasion.

Moira: I’M NOT!

John: Please, let’s just move on.

Dew: Okay, this question comes from A Gamer. Oh god dammit it’s another perverted one. Fine. For John and Red: Have you two thought about doing literal doggy style yet, given the warg heritage?

John: I think it’s on the to-do list.

Red: Tonight, maybe? I could even grow ears and a tail.

John: I’m game.

Dew: We get it guys, you fuck, sheesh. Next question! Oh, it’s from Peanuts again. To Saccharine: will you marry me?

John: hahahaha

Saccha: Um… I think you skipped a few steps there, buddy. Y’know… coffee, dinner, sex… actually having met. No thank you. Fae marriage it a bit… complicated anyway.

John: how so?

Saccha: Well, part of the ceremony involves a temporary union between souls… it muddles with contracts and debts so we’d end up sharing each other’s load. In other words he’d just end up your servant.

John: Okay, yeah, no. Not happening. Next question.

Dew: Sure thing. From Bigdudemale to John: if given the chance, would you have had Vulpis tortured instead of bleeding out?

John: That’s a tough one. I’d be lying if I straight up said ‘no’. If anyone deserves it, it’s him… and a part of me definitely would have preferred that outcome. But I’m not a cruel person; at least, I don’t want to be. So I think that if everything played out again I’d still just let him die. I guess Chey put it nicely before — “I’m not as crude as him”.

Red: I agree.

Dew: Okay then. Our next question comes from CalamitousIntent again. To Aurora and the whole gaggle of gods: what's the most interesting DnD moment you remember?

Aurora: Hmm… there have been many moments of interest. Oh! This one time the King of a rather gaudy nation once attempted to **** my dear Inari. Of course I dealt with the matter justly by instead charming him with the scent of a female hippogriff in heat before promptly releasing an entire pride upon him. She still hasn’t thanked me.

Inari: Nor will I. The gesture was unsolicited and there was nothing ‘just’ about it.

Aurora: I beg to differ.

Richard: Wasn’t the question regarding DnD moments?

Aurora: Hm? What’s your point?

Richard: Nevermind.

Dew: While we’re on the topic of DnD, I have two other questions. First from Izix for Nancy: How did you convince all these idiots, ehm, excuse me, gods, to play DnD together? They seem to not really, you know, get along all that much.

Nancy: Charm, my friend. You can stick the worst of enemies in the same room and have them make peace so long as a third person with a smidge of charm is also there.

Dew: Okay, and this one’s from Lomtre to Gaia: do you ever join in on Nancy's games, or maybe run your own, or are you too busy with reality?

Gaia: Dear, I govern reality. The ‘game’ I run is infinitely more complicated than something like DnD. Although, Feri likes to play with Nancy on occasion.

Moira: Wait, WHAT?! The Lady is here?!

Dew: Oookay. Before we get sidetracked I think we better move on. Dargon has another question, this time for Saccharine. Sheesh, you’re popular aren’t you?

Saccha: Damn straight.

John: Uh, was that the question?

Dew: No, I was getting to it! For Saccharine: what do you think of John and his particular set of powers?

Saccha: Anything that helps me grow from pint-sized is fucking dope. Seriously though, they’re absurd. Half the shit he does with them shouldn’t even be possible. Give it a century or so and he’ll be more powerful than Merlin.

John: Uh… not many human live past 100 and I doubt I’ll be one of them. At this rate I’ll be lucky to live past 20.

Saccha: Pssh. This is the Abyss, buddy, there are some humans centuries old. You’re level of power definitely gives you that potential too.

John: huh.

Dew: We done? Let’s keep this ball rolling then! We’ve got another question from CalamitousIntent. For Vulpis: would you be willing to give up anything to get your **** on John?

Vulpis: **** is important to me, yes. But it was never about the boy. It was about Charlene… about my family. The boy was right on one account at least, my family is important to me.

Red: You have a funny way of showing it.

Vulpis: I don’t expect you to understand, Charlene. But to answer the question: **** is important to me, but I could draw the line somewhere. When it comes to family, however, I would sacrifice anything.

Dew: Cool beans. People still won’t like you. Next question!

Pie: Coming right up.

Dew: Upcast18 is up next! To Cynthia: would you go flirting hunting with John again?

Cynthia: I’d do a lot more than just hunting with John if he’s feeling up to it.

John: Maybe later.

Red: Ooh, you looking to put your face in her arse again?

Saccha: I’d watch that.

John: Let’s move on please, Dew?

Dew: I got you, buddy. Next up is another question from that Omnius guy… oh boy. To Vulpis: how do you feel knowing John is going to have a fivesome with all the hot warg girls and they will actually enjoy it and he might even get them pregnant. Oh, and there’s a PS. too. “haha you getting cucked”. Well, Omnius seems a bit vulgar but hey, thumbs-up on the Vulpis hate.

Vulpis: I refuse to answer.

Chey: Mmm, from what Red’s told me, I have something great to look forward. I might even take him as a full-time mate if he lives up to it.

John: Great. No pressure. Thanks, Red.

Adelia: Hmm? We’re having an fivesome later? I’m interested.

Ellyn: Uhm… I’m gonna need to sit out for a month or two with the baby and all.

Granny Smith: Well don’t count me out on account of these old bones!

Dew: You guys seriously need to be institutionalised. We’re moving on. Next up we have a question from aaarrr again. What, aaarrr you a pirate or something?

Pie: And you told me off for bad jokes…

Dew: Huh, it sounded like someone was talking to me… strange. Anyway, question for John: excluding Moira, which girl you're looking forward the most to be your harem member?

Moira: Wait, why am I excluded?! Am I not good enough for you, John?

John: Please, god no. You’re excluded because you’re the given first pick.

Moira: Oh… um… thanks?

John: But other than Moira, who am I looking forward to the most, huh? Well, I’d say Chey or Adelia but it sounds like they’re already down to fuck anyway, so outside of those three… I guess I’d like Cynthia to join? Or Inari? Fucking a goddess would be cool.

Cynthia: Oh me, oh my. How’s a girl supposed to react to that?

Inari: I refuse to be a mere notch under someone’s belt, Mr. Newman.

John: No, of course not. I’m so-

Inari: That was a jest. You are a valuable individual and such a relationship may be worthwhile in the future.

Saccha: Ooh, sounds like the fox-lady is game, Johnny boy.

Inari: Maybe someday.

Aurora: First you offend me in Nancy’s Lair and now you spurn me here. I will remember this, child.

John: Oh, uh… I’m sorry?

Aurora: You will be.

Pie: Welp, lucky for John, none of this is actually happening.

Dew: Yeah, damn. The Ice Queen’s a bitch that keeps her promises.

Pie: Anyway, time’s almost up it seems. Let’s wrap it up with our last few questions.

Dew: Sure. This one’s from Upcast18 again. To Gaia: how was that apple pie John got you?

Gaia: Delicious, thank you. I’m not kidding when I say Granny Smith’s apple pie is food fit for God with a capital G. It’s seriously one of the greatest things to come out of the world. Makes all that time spent being the supreme God worthwhile, you know? Well, you probably don’t since you aren’t one but you get the point.

Granny Smith: I’m truly honoured to have such an ovation from Gaia herself.

Dew: Our second last question is another one from Izix. To Chey: So, you and Arnold… anything happening there? Or are you more into deadly men over dadly men.

Chey: I have a gross dislike for men who think they’re funny but aren’t. That being said, he does seem strong and I respect that.

Arnold: So you’re saying there’s a chance?

Chey: No. Next question.

Dew: Lucky last we have Dargon again. To anyone that will respond: Do you like pats?

Red: Oooh, pats are great! Mum always pet me when I was a pup. And you seriously have no idea how great it feels to be scratched under the ear. John, you’re doing it to me later. That’s not a request. That’s an order!

Adelia: Yes, pats are fantastic, and thank you, Dargon, you’ve handed me the opportunity for **** on a silver platter. My sister here absolutely adores pats, though she’ll firmly deny it, and especially scratches under the ear.

Chey: I will **** you, Lia.

Inari: The ears and tails of shifters and spirits such as Wargs or Kitsune are highly sensitive to touch. It is quite pleasurable to be pet in such areas.

Aurora: What my dear Inari is leaving out is that its a highly erotic act to Kitsune. You’ll make her as wet as a waterfall petting her in the right places…

Inari: You truly are a vulgar creature… but it is considered a very intimate act among my kind.

Dew: Any other takers?

John: Uh... I don’t really know. I don’t have any memories of patting or being patted. So I’m neutral, I guess. Moira? Saccha?

Moira: Um, I suppose being patted by… certain people, would be quite pleasant, maybe?

Saccha: Only if it’s by you, master~

John: Seriously?

Saccha: No. Go fuck yourself. It’s demeaning to my size!

Dew: Alright. We done? Finally!

Pie: Sweet, thank you all for your generous participation and thank you, Dew, for hosting.

Dew: You know I’m charging you double, right? You didn’t tell me this Q&A would be so crude! I have an image to maintain, you know?!

Pie: Ahahahaha… ‘till next time folks!