The Derp Chronicles: The Derp Witch and the Derp Dragon

"What... the hell...happened...WHEN I WAS GONE?!" yelled John as he and his two slaves exited the empty castle to a scene of total chaos. His kingdom was in disarray. The village huts, just recently completed, were in ruins. The very ground underneath them was ripped apart, as if a great power tore the ground asunder. The new crops that had finally sprung up after many days of love and care by the elves, was now a sea of flames, smoke pluming from the fire. Up above, two figures flew around the sky, one breathing fire and the other laughing maniacally.

“This is your kingdom, Newman? Hah, what a pathetic display,” snarled Vanessa, happy to see her new master’s kingdom in ruins. She felt happiness swell in her chest as she saw the helpless creatures before her rush to try to save their pathetic huts and crops. She could care less about what happened here because she knew that at the end of the day, she’d be returning home to her mansion. Not even John, with his magic powers, could prevent her from going home and away from these pathetic excuses for living beings.

“Oh..no…” said the cute wolfgirl, her hands covering her face. The wanton **** that laid before her was too much for her. She could not stand to see those innocent people have their lives torn away from them in such a violent way. She could, however, sympathize with them.

“MASTER!” yelled Idena as she flew at top speed to his side. Her body was covered in burns, her feathers sheared at the ends, indicating had gotten rather close to the fires that surround the castle. As soon as her feet touched the ground, she rushed into John’s arms, giving him a big hug, tears rolling down her face. “Master! You have to do something! Those two are out of control!” cried Idena.

“Who, Idena? Who is out of control?!” asked John as he stroked Idena’s hair.

“It’s Mimi and we’re pretty sure Yatina!” revealed Idena.

“What? The Gorgon and Yatina? Mimi was…rather odd but I don’t think she was violent. And Yatina is a dragon whelp, not a girl!” countered John.

“She was a whelp, but it seems she’s learned to become a pre-teen girl around the same age as Mimi. The two appeared from the mountains, calling themselves Derp Queen Mimi and Derp Dragon Yatina. I don’t know how Mimi is even flying, but she’s here and can somehow cause the ground to rip and tear. And as you can see, Yatina has been setting everything on fire. You must do something!” pleaded Idena. John placed his hand on top of her head softly.

“Don’t’ worry, Idena, I’ll take care of this, somehow,” John said softly. “Protect my new slaves,” he commanded her as he walked out to meet his pet dragon and her best friend. He watched their movements as he got closer to them. Mimi would fly around cackling like a stereotypical bad lady. Her snakes would look at a piece of earth and it would start to rip and tear until it was torn in two. Yatina, on the other hand, was flying around on her wings sticking out of her back, as fire bellowed from her mouth, her purple flames catching anything they touched instantly on fire, no matter if it was flammable or not.

“Mimi! Yatina! What do you think you two are doing?!” John yelled up to the two young girls.

“There is no Mimi or Yatina! I am Derp Witch Mimi, scourge of Athens!” Mimi responded, a hint of pride in her voice.

“And I’m the Derp Dragon Yatina, Bringer of the Chaos Flames!” an evil laugh following her words. John stood in disbelief, unable to comprehend how the silly little Gorgon and Yatina, both good hearted creatures, could suddenly become so evil.

“Why are you two doing this?!” asked John, using all his willpower from grabbing his axe and just ending their threat to his kingdom.

“Why? Because we’re playing Derp Witch and Derp Dragon!” Mimi said happily, her normal smile once again on her face before quickly reverting back to Mimi’s “evil” face. John’s right hand came up to his face as he suddenly realized all this was Mimi and Yatina’s playtime.

“You two are…just having playtime?” asked John, fearing the answer.

“Yep!” the two said in unison. The color faded from John’s face.

“You…two…destroyed…my kingdom…for playtime?” asked John, his head hanging low.

“Yes, master! It was really fun! This body is super fun!” Yatina said as she zipped around the sky. “I feel faster in this form too! And hands? HANDS ARE AWESOME!” she exclaimed as she used them to hug Mimi, her snakes patting Yatina.

“I..just…what?” mumbled John, unable to process what had happened. His cute little dragon was now a preteen, one that could fly and breathe fire, and her best friend could apparently fly and cause earthquakes. Those two look so sweet yet are apparently quite terrible monsters if they want to be. I have to figure out how to solve this. There still has to be something that I can do. What would two preteen girls like…WAIT, I got it! realized John as he got a smile on his face.

“HEY GIRLS, WANT A TREAT?” he asked. The girls stopped hugging each other and stared directly at him, a glint in their eyes. Before he could do anything, Mimi and Yatina divebombed directly towards John. John braced himself for a collision that never came. John looked up to see a crater where the two girls landed, but before he could even react, the two girls were upon him. Each girl grabbed one of John’s hands and immediately started jumping up and down yelling “COOKIES!” in unison. “Idena, can you go to the kitchen in my house and get some cookies for the girls?” asked John. Idena nodded and quickly made her way to the Teleportation Room.

“COOKIES! COOKIES! COOKIES! WE WANT COOKIES!” the two girls chanted over and over again while gripping John’s hands. John wore a smile on his face as he started to lift the girls as they jumped, the two giggling in response. After a few minutes Idena returned with the gift for the girls, who attempted to rush Idena and get the cookies, but John’s firm grasp on their hands prevented them from leaving his side.

“Now girls, before you get your treats, you have to help clean up the mess you made, understand?” asked John, a serious look on his face.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! You’re just like big sis Cyn!” uttered a disheartened Mimi. “Ok YaYa, let’s clean up!” said the quickly rebounding Gorgon. Both she and Yatina attempted to let go of John’s hand, who relented and allowed their freedom. “Ready?” asked Mimi.

“Yep!” responded Yatina.

“One…” started Mimi.

“Two..” continued Yatina

“Three! DERPTIME IS OVER!” the two said in unison as they hugged. The moment the two connected, a bright flash burst forth from their connection, blinding everybody who saw. John could feel a strange presence emanate from the two girls. This presence was like nothing John ever felt before, as if it was changing reality on the most basic level. The intense feeling must have lasted only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. As soon as the presence was gone, John opened his eyes to a sight that was impossible: the kingdom was as if the two never had their version of playtime.

“But..how?” was all John could get out as he stared at the crops that bent with the breeze that now blew through the kingdom, the huts that were once again intact, the ground and buildings not on fire.

“Because derptime is over, silly!” said a happy Mimi as she took some cookies from Idena, her face also wearing a make of confusion at everything that happened. The two plopped down on the ground and started stuffing all the cookies they got from Idena into their mouths, manners be damned. Gaia’s words made their way back to the forefront of John’s mind as he watched the two devour the cookies, so he cast Observe on Mimi.

“That… makes no sense,” muttered John as he stared at the Observe sheet. "Terebris isn't even the right name!"

“Nuh uh, it makes perfect sense! And Terebris is where we are!” Mimi countered, sending cookie crumbs everywhere as she speaks with her mouth full. “But I’m totally 2 derps, not 3 and a half derps!” argued Mimi, who was rather intent on analyzing her own analysis.

“I give up!” conceded John as he gave Mimi and Yatina a pat on the head. “I gotta go take care of some stuff, so I’ll see you two later,” John told the girls as he picked Mimi off his back and placed her next to Yatina. Right when he was about to exit the Observe window, Mimi grabbed it and brought it in front of her and Yatina.

“We’re gonna read this while you do adult stuff!” said Mimi as the two started pointing and giggling at Mimi’s own Observe sheet.