A much needed conversation.

In Cynthia’s tent, John sat on the couch with his head resting on his hands. Next to him, with an arm protectively around him was Cynthia. Across from them on the other side of the coffee table Arnold was sitting patiently watching John. “So John, tell us what happened,” the older man encouraged him to speak.

John looked up and took one more deep breath. His tears had stopped but he would not stop shaking. “Last night, when I entered the forest. I killed people. Mercenaries. People that had gone in after Miranda.” John started with a small voice. “And a snake woman, her snake bit me, Jack killed it and she wanted to take out Jack in return. I… I executed her in cold blood. She was defenseless, yet I killed her. I feel horrible. After that, when I encountered the mercenaries an ent appeared. The fight was brutal, and one of them, a girl, not much older than me, she, well, she imploded, the ent he…” John’s face paled as he spoke about his most dreaded memory. Cynthia rubbed a damp cloth over his forehead as she nudged him softly.

“Take your time, don’t **** yourself. It’s hard on you. All in your own time.We don’t judge you. I am here for you and so is dad.” she was clearly worried about him. The impish tendencies she displayed normally were gone, only a caring girl remained. She rubbed his knee softly when he cleared his throat to continue speaking.

“She blew herself up, so that we could kill it. If it hadn’t been for her, the nightmare would have not even gotten a chance to finish me off. I would have died then and there. It… It all, it is too much. I can’t. How. I mean. Killing is wrong. Yet I caused the **** of three sentient beings. What right do I have to do so?” he asked with his voice filled with grief. “Why do I get to live on while they died?” his voice became smaller with each word of that last sentence.

Arnold gave a soft humm. “Sometimes I forget how life is outside of the abyss. It’s a blessing that you don’t need to deal with this stuff. But it does lead to situations like this one. I’m glad it happened while we were close though.” he said with no knowledge of John’s earlier breakdown with Ellen. “The abyss is a brutal place. One of the reasons we band together is to survive in it. We are hunters. We kill to maintain a balance. We do not kill for sport, we do not take lives easily, and we do not cause our prey to suffer.” Arnold’s deep voice sounded out slow and controlled.

“John, killing is sadly a reality in the abyss. It does however not mean that you should chose to kill at every opportunity.” Cynthia chimed in, kissing his cheek as she went on. “There are those in the abyss that kill without discrimination, and they are the people that in the end get hunted down by everyone till the end of the earth.”

Arnold took over again here. “John, think back to the people you killed. Did you need to kill them, would they have killed you if you had not taken them out?”

John grimaced as he recalled the painful memorieshad a pained expression, but he still thought back. The naga would have followed them until she had her **** on Jack. The ent would have killed them without a second thought. And the weeb… It was quite clear that he would have taken out John if he had gotten the chance. “Yes. If I had not killed them, in self defence, I would probably not have been sitting here right now.” he said with a small nod.

“That is a good first step.” Arnold said with a nod, a relieved smile on his lips. “You did not kill for the sake of killing them John. You prevented them from harming you or yours. And that is a logical step in anyone's mind. That you survived them is, to put it bluntly, because you were better than they were. Let me ask you another question. Would you do the same thing if you had to go back and do it all over again?”

John took another deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. “Yes. I would.”

Cynthia brushed some hair out of his face as she turned his head towards her. “John, it’s a good trait that you are this affected by killing someone. It makes you human, it shows you have a moral compass. And it shows that I chose the right geek to love.” she pressed her lips on his right after she finished talking, feeling how some of his tension left his body as she put all her love for him into that one kiss.

Arnold’s voice broke them out of their trance a few moments later. “John, answer me honestly. Do you want to go back to your regular life as a non Abyssian human? We will not hold it against you if you say yes. But, given the chance, would you chose to turn your back on this savage world and return to your school, forget all of this ever happened?”

John’s eyes closed, he thought about everything that happened, but unlike before in the forest, he now also thought about other things. Mimi, being silly around the camp. Cynthia and his date, their sweet kiss as he took her virginity. The tender affection she showed him just now. The worried look that Old Fred shot him twenty minutes ago. His pets being a nuisance and Archibald telling Jack off. He took a deep breath through his nose, then spoke a single word. “No.”

He looked at Cynthia and cupped her face. Kissing her lips softly for a moment, before turning to Arnold. “I don’t want to go back. Last night, in the woods when everything went wrong, I really wanted to, I will admit that. I wanted to go back to my games and to the life I was living. But, with you here, the camp, everyone. I feel at home. Like I finally have a place to call my own. Unlike in my normal life, I feel like I belong. So no. I don’t want to go back.” he sounded sure of himself, the words came natural to him, even though he still felt like he had been punched in the gut by life itself.

“Alright, that is all I wanted to know. We could have wiped your memory with the help of a few friends, give you false memories for these past days and returned you to your old life. But, and I am honest when I say this. I am glad you chose to stay with us.”

Cynthia rubbed her cheek on his as she grasped his hand. “And so am I.”

“Your situation right now reminds me of a story mom told me before. Mom joined the abyss later in life. She, like you, just kind of stumbled into it. The first time she killed someone, she told me, she wanted to jump off the temple and be done with it, she did not want to live her life with the guilt of taking a life weighing her down. But she is still here with us.” Cynthia told him softly.

“Remember John, we do not kill lightly. I want to tell you a story.” Arnold said seriously. “When I was a young hunter, and Marco had just hatched, we came across a group of poachers. They shot Marco out of the sky, broke his wings. I fucked up, and my pet paid the price. Much like happened with you last night. I killed the poacher that tried to finish of my pet. And it ate at me. Over time, with help. I have come to terms with it however. I killed that man, because he threatened something that was precious to me. And that is what you should always remember. Killing should not be taken lightly. But, at times it is justified. Except for your own life, do you have something you want to protect John?” Arnold asked him, the older man’s eyes staring deep into John’s.

John squeezed Cynthia’s hand while he thought about Jack and Toph.”Yes. I do. Cynthia, my pets. You guys. I want to become stronger, to be able to protect everyone that matters to meyou guys.”

“Good, that’s a fine answer. Do you realize that, if you had not killed them, they would have killed you. And that you would lose the ability to protect those you care about?”

John’s eyes went farther open as the words rang true in his mind. “Yes. I think so.”

“Next time, when someone threatens to harm one you hold dear, will you hesitate to take them down?” Arnold asked slowly.

“I don’t think I will. I want to avoid killing if I can. But if someone wants to harm me or mine. I will not hesitate.” John said softly, a small hint of savage bloodthirst in his voice.

“Good. I will repeat this one more time John. If there is another way, do it another way. But if you are backed into a corner, and it’s kill or be killed. There is nothing, and then I mean nothing wrong with being the killer, and not the killed. For Cynthia, for your family, for your pets. You need to come back alive. Do you hear me?”

John nodded his head furiously. “Yes! I hear you. Killing is not something to do lightly. I don’t want to do it lightly. But, I think that if I need to, I will. Thank you, both of you. Cynthia, I love you.” John felt a few more tears flow down his cheeks as he hugged his girlfriend tightly, the guilt over killing people was still present in his mind. But, he had at least somewhat come to terms with it. The conversation had really helped.

Clap, clap, clap. You are on the right track John. I’m proud of you. Gaia.

Lad, mighty fine performance, there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Hemet.

That is the resolve of a true hunter. Good job. Cernunnos

“I do, however, want to get out of the camp for a bit, I do miss just doing teenager things, if that makes sense?” John mumbled as he let go of Cynthia.

Arnold laughed loudly as he heard that. “Ofcourse, do you think we live the hunter life 24/7? Me and Miranda are going out tonight, we do so every saturday evening. There is nothing wrong with planning in some R&R now and then.