tHE acAdeMy gRinD

This world was... different. It was not out-of-focus, though John rather wished it was, like the barrier Fairy had taken him, but instead looked just like the chemistry lab he would expect at Ashcroft... save as seen perhaps through a selective lens that would bend the vials on the rack, or make a table lop-sided and, yet, not slide off of it all the items thereupon. It was particularly notable when John caught sight of the notes on the old-fashioned chalkboard:

hOmEwOOOrk DUE: nEVEr

The "nEVEr" was written in something other than chalk: a thick-looking, blue liquid that seemed finger-painted onto the green of the board. What the Hell is this...?

<Master!>

John turned just as a small, wiry green body leapt from a table and swiped at him, slicing the forearm he brought up to defend himself.

-6hp! Pilfered for $1,943!

"What the Hell-?!" John swung around to face his attacker, activating his displacer field as he did... only to find he was already surrounded.

Swamp Goblin
Lvl 4
75/75
Hill goblins corrupted and enslaved by bog hags. Horny, unruly, thieving, ugly.

Looking at his attackers more closely, John found the description apt: their oblong heads were mostly mouth, and sharp little teeth, sitting atop thin necks that led into bulbous, ugly bodies covered in the barest of rags. One of them, sporting four breasts, was female, and either she or her male companions decided she'd wear nothing at all. John's need to fuck a new summon was almost cancelled by the sight alone. He steeled himself, ignoring the chittering, bizarre language they used... and almost jumping when a blue bolt blasted into the thief with his money.

"What the Hell are you doing?!" Fairy shouted, another bolt readied in her hand. "They're going to kill you!"

Right... Newman steeled himself... and dove his hand sideways in a serpent's lunge, his hand re-appearing behind the distractingly naked goblin.

95 damage.

Her torso deformed forward as he blasted her body with the strike, after which she mercifully burst into black mist. With one of them defeated, his awareness now gained additional information.

Swamp Goblin
Lvl 4
65/75
Hill goblins corrupted and enslaved by bog hags. Horny, unruly, thieving, ugly. They're more known for their agility and intelligence in combat, and their twisted, nearly overpowering libido outside of it. This libido feeds both their greed to fuck anything that moves and their greed for any kind of what is considered by enough people to be "money", a sociopsychological aphrodisiac for their people. This one serves Gweledyn, the Hag of Ropes.

Though their libido would make them seem fine candidates, John didn't want to fuck anything that even looked like these little monsters... Doesn't help that I just killed the only female among them. "None of you are coming back with me, you know." Terrified of the larger, they ignored Fairy as she continued to pelt the same goblin with another mana bolt. The injured foe, already rich and in no mood to fight, began to flee, clearly intent on the wide-open door that would take him to the hallway, and presumably freedom. John shoved his hand downward... and another serpent's lunge crushed the coward's skull. The two left took swings at where they were sure John was, and only one struck true with a dagger in the leg for only 15 damage. How is this at my level...? John repeated his lunges, striking wherever he felt strong into empty air only to warp it through or into the remaining foes, taking only another 8 damage before the last one died pitifully.

Enemy party defeated!
Earned 240XP.
Recovered $1,943.
Obtained 29 goblin coins.
Obtained a goblin purse.

Special currency: goblin coin. Can be used for goblin-based crafting. Also used to barter with or bribe goblins. Has no monetary value outside of goblin society.

John looked over at Fairy, holding up the pile cheap-looking tin waifers. "Goblin-based crafting?"

She shrugged. "Goblins are the chewtoys of the Abyss, but they're an inventive bunch when they're not complete mouth-breathers. I wouldn't trust a goblin machine, though, not at face value."

John eyed the purse now in his inventory.

Special item: goblin purse. Prevents anything inside from being stolen by lower-level enemies.

The small sack sounded useful enough, so he rolled his cash into it and stashed the same into his inventory, away from the other containers. "Still, that wasn't very challen-"

An arrow blasted through where John's head was perceived to be, and the wind of its passing tickled his ear. The arrow buried itself into a warped poster for a school event ("bRoWNies aRe frEe, tAKE ouR mOneY!"), to which John could only react by ducking wildly late. "What the Hell-?!"

"A dark elf!" Fairy cried, flying by his side behind the table. "I saw him!"

"Dark elves? Like Drow?"

"Drow-? Look, this isn't time for your nerdy bullshit! Dark elves are apt hunters, and use sleep-inducing poison on their arrows! If you get nicked and can't defend yourself, they'll just slit your throat while you're !"John was paralyzed as he heard her describe the threat they faced. She floated up, peeking her head over the table to scan the doorway. "The door's being kept open, and he was in the hall... if we're careful, we can probably get out of this barrier without getting picked off."

John finally snapped out of his state of fear. "We're not going anywhere." He needed to see where he could put his portals, and given how shifted this copy of his world seemed he couldn't reliably put a portal in a hallway he didn't bother to look into. He eyed the teacher's desk, warped into a half-melted 'L', and blinked behind it for cover. From here, at least, he had a more direct view to the door... if he dared peek his head over the edge to see. Fairy, we should communicate mentally from now on.

<You think you're going to happen upon one of the few elves who would bother learning English?>

W-Well, how do you know English?

<I'm a fucking demon, dumbass! I'm supposed to tempt and sow chaos with my words! I'm not even speaking English right now.>

Whoa... is that like a Babelfish or-

<CAN YOU PLEASE FOCUS FOR JUST ONE FUCKING->

A cautious step... but not so cautious that it was missed by the cowering heroes. John risked the look, and saw him: a tall figure, skin so dark that it almost seemed blue, a topknot of stark white hair, and a body too lithe to be human. The elf wore segmented black plates of armor on his chest, shoulders and legs that revealed, for some reason, his midriff. His arms were similarly unarmored, and kept a viciously barbed arrow nocked in a mechanical bow. His face, as inhumanely long and beautiful as the rest of him, was framed with giant, pointed ears that almost rose above the top of his head. His eyes, two narrow slits of black, were without irises... but John could still feel that he was spotted.

Dark elf warrior
Lvl 8
145/145hp
10/15mp
Elves native to the Abyss. As human-fae hybrids, dark elves share the vulnerabilities of their forest kin, but none of the peace that nature brings to quell them.

John ducked as the arrow shattered glass down upon him, and he had barely the time to bat it off of his head when the elf came back into view, sliding onto a single knee into a clearing between tables, arrow-cocked in his face. "Kriel sheeva tes!"

John blinked back to his other desk just as the arrow broke the tiling of the floor behind him with its raw . The elf turned to regard him, another arrow already being drawn-

Until a wide-mouthed tunnel opened directly under the elf's feet... and directly over his head. John's mana shot down from 115 to 5 as the yawning gate appeared, and he watched as the elf fell... and fell... and fell... and continued to fall in an unstoppable loop, the space he stood in being wide enough for the portal to make every edge more than out of arm's reach. The elf began to scream as the same floor zoomed by multiple times a second, his arrow and bow forgotten, his senses stunned by the terror of an eternal fall.

Fairy hovered towards John, being careful to avoid the screaming stream of elf that now occupied the near-center of the room. "What the... Hell...?"

John stared in silence, until he pumped his fists into the air."WOOO! Right?!" John declared excitedly. "I mean, I never thought playing Portal would pay dividends like this but... man! If this Game had devs, they'd patch the shit out of this..."

"What... are you going to do with him now?" Fairy just kept watching as the elf writhed in his fall, hopelessly sprawling out in an effort to slow his descent in any meaningful way.

"Oh, well... I suppose I should shut the portal down while he's falling."

"But won't that-"

The tunnel closed.

200 falling damage.

... and the elf became so much meat and steel. John recoiled in horror, and even after the remains of his opponent vanished into black mist he could still see the viscera, the twitching flesh, the horror. Fairy, for her part, burst out in the kind of laughter John couldn't believe still surprised him.

Dark elf defeated!
Earned 400XP.
Obtained $150.
Obtained a dark elf bow with sleep arrows (18).
Obtained dark elf male armor (shattered).
Obtained a dark elf hunting whistle.

Once his stomach had settled, John picked through the neatly scattered loot that was all that marked the brutal of his foe. Slowly he analyzed each item in turn: the bow was mechanical to allow for it to be closed up, and the poison was as Fairy had described, though she had left out the important caveat of it being ineffective against targets level 7 or higher. "Fairy, this poison wouldn't have even affected me..."

"Oh man, he just... fucking EXPLODED, and the look on your fahay-hay-haahahahahaaaa... aaaaaaaaaaaahhh..." She wiped a tear from her eye as John reinforced his question into a command. "Well, how should I know? It's not like the stuff was labeled with bullshit numbers when I was taught about it. Besides," she muttered, peeking over John's shoulder at his interface, "if these numbers aren't all crap, then it would totally have affected me, and where would you be without me?" She patted him on the cheek. "You're welcome." John could only sigh in response. He pocketed the shattered armor, hoping its material was special enough for when he'd buckle down for some crafting, and checked the last bit of loot: the small black pipe of steel on a leather thong that was around the elf's neck.

Special item: dark elf hunting whistle. Summons the hunting partner of the original owner. Usable in the Abyss and in barriers only.

"Well, he did give us plenty of materials and XP... and now that I know what I know..." John did himself the favor of finally peeking outside of the hallway. Though he saw no other hostiles, he very gently closed the lab door and locked it. Sighing with relief, he begun to meditate. He knew time outside was flowing 250% slower than it was in here: he estimated a half-hour to regain all of his health and mana if he went uninterrupted, and as such only a slice of the lunch break would be wasted on this. Fairy stood watch, a mana bolt at the ready while he sat near the false wall, just in case.

Fairy was still mirthful when he finished... and she stopped smiling when she realized he was inhaling to blow into the pipe. "Wait, you're not going to call another-"