Now To Fool The Dummies Who Know You

Any sense of confidence you may have built up at the tavern has long side faded away as you make your way back towards the castle. It may be your home (no it isn't, you've been here like a day dummy), but you absolutely feel like a stranger as its gleaming spires loom disapprovingly over you. HERE TO FUCK A SISTER, EH?, the castle seems to thunder down at you. WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT!

Still, you've gone by unrecognized so far. And the guards at the gates don't give you any bother. You'd been worried about that, actually, but they take one look at you and immediately wave you through. Guess they decided couldn't be anything but a prince? That's...well, that's just shoddy guarding, really. Pleased you made it through, but now worried that you'll all be murdered by any psychopath who manages to struggle into a flower-colored shirt, you hurry through the castle gates and move to join the throng of suitors just outside the main tower.

A rather bored looking herald seems to be taking role, calling names off of a scroll. "Lord Dunhearst?" A hand goes up. "Duke Falten?" Another hand goes up. "Sir Mallory?"

A voice calls out. "Which Sir Mallory?"

The herald squints a bit more closely. "Ah...Sir Mallory the Younger." A hand goes up. "Sir Mallory the Elder?" Another hand goes up. "Sir Mallory the Middler?"

"He's in the middle of something."

"Fine; hate that guy anyway. 'Just' Sir Mallory?" A 'here' calls out. There are a lot of fucking knights named Mallory in this kingdom. "Lord Gaspar?" Oh fuck!

A bear of a man turns from where he stood chatting to a guard to raise his hand. Sure as shit, that's Gaspar. You are immediately struck by a memory of you as a toddler, hiding behind your fathers leg as he and the giant man who's so intimidated you chuckle good-naturedly at your skittishness. His beard is greying now, laugh lines creasing his mouth and eyes, but otherwise it's clearly the exact same man. God, this is NOT going to work if your instinct is to roll belly up whenever this guy looks at you.

As you mull over all of that, the herald has rolled up his scroll and started inside. Oh wait, did you miss your chance? OH WELL, just gonna have to come tomorrow or hey maybe never at all! Unfortunately, the herald pauses when that son of a bitch Gaspar clears his throat, speaking in a gruff yet friendly baritone. "You seem to have missed one." At the man's gesture, the herald looks over to you.

The herald's eyes widen eyes widen, and then he lets out a gasp of joy. "Ohmigod! Is that a mystery knight?! A real live mystery knight in our kingdom, for our princess! This is the best day ever, the day of my child's birth is TRASH now! Come up here, come up here!" He waves frantically for you to push through the crowd, which you do so reluctantly. Once up top, he motions for you to stretch out your arms, which you confusedly do. Then, he waves for you to spin around. Oh no way you're gonna, hey why the fuck are you doing it?!

He claps his hands together when you face back around, clearly overjoyed. "And what a specimen! So many other heralds have told me the horror stories. 'Oh, we had a mystery suitor and he forgot his mask.''Oh, we this GREAT mystery but all his clothes were monogrammed.' But this is TRULY a professional. I wouldn't be surprised if he has mysteriously married dozens of princesses!" Uh wait, is that a good thing? Apparently the crowd seems to think so, because they give you a polite-yet-enthusiastic round of applause. Even Gaspar joins in, seeming more than a little amused by the matter. Before you can marshal a response, the herald is waving all of the other suitors in as quickly as possible, apparently aiming to get them out of the way first.

And s you find yourself standing alone just outside the doors to the tower, your only company a rather old guardsman. You stand in silence for a moment before turning your head towards the man."So, ah...is the mask okay?"

He nods. "The mask's very tasteful."

"Oh, uh, thanks. Cool."

Unfortunately for everyone, this Algonquin Roundtable is interrupted by the herald as he throws open the door, apparently mid sentence. "-saved the best for last, my lady! May I present the Mystery Knight!"

He motions wildly for you to step inside, and after a moment's hesitation you do. Oh shit what, the whole court is here! What seems like an entire ball has gathered inside the audience chamber of the castle, well-appointed lords and ladies alike letting out gasps of surprise and intrigue as you step into view. Ginny sits in a small throne beside the empty king's seat, all but busting out of a delicate yellow gown. Guess they never found time for that seamstress appointment.

He eyes go wide. Okay, she recognizes you. Of course she recognizes you. Maybe you can make this all seem like a joke if you fess up right-

Your frantic search for an exit window is sent out the window itself when Lady Gwendolyn, who stands behind your sister, speaks out in a warm tone. "We welcome you, Mystery Knight. What has brought you to offer yourself today?"

.........you know she's probably just stringing you out to dry. But at this point you've come to far. You straighten, forget about the silly accent you'd been planning on adopting, and in what is probably a horrendous mistake speak from the heart. "I am here because....well, ah, honestly, I don't quite feel like I belong to this world. I understand very little, and what I do understand makes me think I might be insane."

Fucking bad start dude.

"But...well, I've only known Princess Gi...Genevieve a very short time. I think nearly everyone would say I don't know her at all. Any reasonable person would say I was making a fool of myself. But..." You turn your gaze away from Gwendolyn to look upon Ginny, who seems to be breathing a little quickly. "...but Princess Genevieve feels like home. And that's worth being a fool for."

The crowd begins to murmur as the herald can barely hold back his squeals of glee. And while you're certain no one else has noticed it, to your familiar eyes there is no mistaking it: Princess Ginny's nipples are poking ever so slightly into her thin gown. Holy shit. Lady Gwendolyn smiles beatifically, giving you a little bow of her head. "Very well, sir. Count yourself as of the princess's suitors, with this court's blessing." Holy SHIT.

You turn to leave as quickly as possible, realizing you're going to need a second part to this plan, when Ginny's sweet voice wafts over the court's applause. "What is your name...sir knight?"

Oh what's with all the fucking trick questions?! "Ah...it's Sir...Candyland. Of Sexbomb."

Oh Fuck you.

Mentally scheduling a few hours of berating yourself before you start working on the rest of your plan, you glance back towards Ginny. To your surprise, her eyelids have dipped low as she watches you exit, her breathing still shallow. Did she just mouth your horrible fake name to herself? The princess really doesn't recognize you, does she?

You are absolutely elated. And you are absolutely going to fail.