Intermission: Tina's Ask Me Anything Spectacular!!!!

The Broadcast

An all bunny-daughter chorus breaks out into song, one of Mama Tina’s favorite show tunes: “The overture is about to start! / You cross your fingers and hold your heart! / It’s curtain time and away we go! / Another opening of another shooooooooooow!!!!!!!!”

Tina bounds into the spotlight. Her bare breasts are bigger than normal, an effect of the lactation potion she uses to feed her newborn babies. They feel heavy, but Tina doesn’t mind. In fact, she likes to be obviously bigger than Alex instead of just barely bigger. She rapidly fires off multiples casts of Pyrotechnics to fill the stage with her signature red diamond motif fireworks.

“Good afternoon, Harem Hotel. It is I, Tina, Titan of Trickery and Assistant Host of Harem Hotel: Woo the Girl, Save the World edition, here to Host the first ever Woo, the Girl, Save the World Ask Me Anything! I am so, so excited to see what many, many spectacular questions we have received. Of course, our Ask Me Anything has been sponsored by me! Let’s play our sponsorship ad and then we’ll meet our other guests!”

A giant Tina Talky Tool is resting on a gynecological chair, stirrups spread wide, well strapped down. Tina is there in just a doctor’s coat and one of those head mirrors. She exclaims, “Ma’am you are chock full of Hot Tina Action! We need to induce birth stat, or you’re gonna explode! You have to trust me, I have a science coat on!”

The human-sized cell phone vibrates in fear (not from an incoming call).

“Audience, you need to subscribe to Tina, Titan of Trickery on Ista-Thot. That’s the only way to induce content birth from a cell phone! We have a number of subscription tiers for every budget and level of Tinavotion. Log into Insta-Thot today!”

The phone vibrates more violently, snapping the straps from the chair and starts to run away. Tina starts to chase after it, shouting, “Come back! You still need to show the url of my channel! Or the fancy QR code Mattie made for me! Come baaaaack!”

Tina beams, expecting a bunch more subscribers coming in shortly. Her smile fades sightly at the sight of the gross sea slug in the aquarium on an end table of the stage’s setup, hovering near a waterproof Speak ‘n’ Spell. Then she smiles again at the sight of some of her harem-sisters, sitting on a long couch. Airika, her golden collar around her neck, is dapper in her pirate getup. Mattie wore a leather tube top and a leather miniskirt, both shiny and black. Nyadia bedecked herself in a dress that has cut outs to show off all three sets of cleavages. Tina’s mildly disappointed that Josie didn’t want to show up, but she’ll make due without her wolf-girlfriend.

“Welcome back! So, ladies, how are you doing?”

“Pretty good, Hops,” Mattie declares, lazily wrapping an arm around the bratty bird’s waist.

“Cap’n took the boat out,” Airika pouts.

“Well, we could always have sex at home. We don’t have to bang on the party barge every time,” Mattie quips.

“But the motion of the ocean...”

“So, Tina, we have questions to answer?” Nyadia asks, trying to get the segment back on track.

Tina hops down into Nyadia’s lap, only to hear her precious couple day old babies start crying just offstage. The bonnie bunny bounces back out of her tiger-girlfriend’s lap, exclaiming, “Be right back. Run a commercial!”

Electrical lights come on, one after another, illuminating a concrete hallway while an ominous figure stands in the distance. A voice, rich, dark, and with a supernatural edge that both excites and terrifies, emanates from this figure.

“Are you tired of masters that cannot take initiative?”

A montage of masters like Levi Summers from Payback Edition, and Kyle from Bros to Babes, quickly plays. Scenes of masters withdrawn, huddled in a corner crying, and so on, played in rapid succession.

“Have you ever wished a contestant could just force things along? Get a squeamish master on board with the program?”

The demon emerged from the darkness in the room. “Well now you can see such things at Harem Hotel: Bunkered Together!”

In that moment, the camera swerves away from the demonic host and travels through the bunker. It enters room after room showing a different scene of escalating debauchery, most of them depicting someone subtly or overtly getting a squeamish master on board with sex.

“Experience a most fundamental twist on an ages old formula. Experience unrelenting pleasure and debauchery. Experience our season...”

At the end, the camera flies into one last room. In the room, Felix is chained to a bed naked, while the rest of his harem stares at his body with open, unashamed desire...

“Well, Hops is still feeding the kids,” Mattie notes after the commercial finished, “So, I guess we need some filler for our filler?”

“I suppose,” Nyadia nods.

“You know, neither of you had to play the weird ‘getting to know you’ game on camera,” Mattie remembers, “We could do that while we wait for our ‘Host’ to get back...”

The sea slug mashes its face into the Speak ‘n’ Spell. The waterproof toy intones, “WANT TO REMIND THE AUDIENCE WHAT THOSE QUESTIONS WERE?”

“Sure, Slug. In brief, a food that reminds you of home, your favorite feature on a woman, your first celebrity crush, who made you realize you were into girls, and, I guess the last question needs to be modified into which of your harem-sisters you most want to have sex with? You go first, Airika.”

The siren taps her chin and muses, “And if I say ‘no,’ Mattie?”

“Then tonight’s funishment will be extra intense?”

“Nope,” Airika snaps, “I’m not going first!”

Nyadia rolls her eyes as a golden armbinder secures itself onto the siren. Mattie unties the bratty bird’s top, baring Airika’s little handfuls. The lazzorkat decides to go first before those two get too into fooling around on camera.

“Don’t tell Tina, but the food that most reminds me of home would be rabbit. Not hoppalong, but rabbit. In my home culture, a lazzorkat cub has to successfully complete their first hunt before they are allowed to leave the den unsupervised. My mother followed me, just out of sight, as I searched for a first kill. I tried for a small boar, but ended up catching a rabbit. Took me a day and a half. It was small and stringy, but it was mine. While I can catch bigger things now, snaring a rabbit does something nostalgic to me. I still miss my old home.”

Nyadia wipes a tear, then moves on, “My favorite feature does depend on the woman. I guess you would say that, once I was able to properly understand my sexuality, I am a bit of a switch? If I am dominating, I like my women soft. If I am submitting, I like my women harder than me. So, I prefer to dominate Tina and submitting to Josie. It is a good arrangement we have worked out.”

“What about me?” Airika preens, only for nipple clamps to appear pinching the siren’s areolae.

“You’re fun to dominate too, Airika. I grew up in one the lightwood forests on Gwlad y Bwystfilod. Not much celebrity culture out there, so I never had a ‘celebrity crush.’ My few experiences with people around my age at home, before everything went wrong, made me realize I appreciate the female form exclusively. Now, I believe it’s your turn, Bird.”

“So, how do you like your time with the Cap’n?”

“If you must know, she is a very gentle dom. While she can’t physically overpower me easily, she knows how to get me going...”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Mattie quips. Airika nods in agreement. The astral elf teases, “Okay, Bird, your turn.”

“Fiiiiiiiiiine. Papaya. I could just chow down on papaya all day, if Cap’n would let me. There was a small grove of papaya trees at home and it was such a treat to go grab a handful of them when they were ripe. My favorite feature is a knowing smirk. First celebrity crush was Jeanne de Clitton, dread pirate queen of the Black Fleet. She was so hot. People born in this dimension are normally pansexual, so I didn’t really think being into girls was that unusual? Mattie here is the most fun to have sex with. There. Questions answered.”

“Think Hops needs more time?”

The show-runner mashes its face into the toy again. “RUN ANOTHER COMMERCIAL.”

A voice over rings out over scenes of Alex jamming on a bar stage, “The official sound of Harem Hotel: Woo the Girl, Save the World, Stormbringer, has just released its latest EP, Sounds from the Backstage: Volume 1?, everywhere rad people get their tunes! This six track record contains some massive songs, including the Stormbringer original, Fuck You Dad (I’m in a Harem)!”

Alex is shown belting out the chorus:

“Fuck You Dad / I’m in a Harem / Fuck You Dad / I’m in a Harem / Fuck You Dad / I’m in a Harem / And there ain’t a fucking cock in sight!”

The voice over offers an aside, “The verses are more insightful.” Then it continues the real pitch, “Stormbringer brings the band’s mind-melting heavy bardcore to the iconic Harem Hotel theme and Sounds from the Backstage: Volume 1? has an extended version that is sure to moisten panties. Annoyed that Craig didn’t survive long enough for Stormbringer to finish their cover of We Don’t Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)? It is here and it is glorious! All of that, a killer extended cover of the Wedding March, and two more tracks.”

“Sounds from the Backstage: Volume 1? is available for download now! Don’t be a normie and get your copy today!”

Tina staggers back on stage, sighing, “Okay, the bunny-babies are resting again. Time for our first question.”

Tina pauses, expecting the first question to be handed to her... somehow. She never got around to working that part of the AMA out. Then she starts to get antsy. “So, where’s the first question?”

The slug mashes its face into the Speak ‘n’ Spell again. “WE DIDN’T GET ANY.”

“What do you mean we didn’t get any?!?!?!?!?!”

“WE DIDN’T GET ANY. NO SUBMISSIONS.”

“You could have said something BEFORE we started the show! I look like a fool. A sexy, sexy fool that you all should subscribe to on Insta-Thot!”

“Good save, Hops!” Mattie quips.

Tina ignores the astral elf. She turns to the icky slug. “Did you at least make up some questions? You’re the writer.”

“I WAS BUSY TRANSCRIBING THE WEDDING PARTIES FOR THE CROSS-OVER.”

Tina pouts, “Fine. Do you three have questions for me? Something about how talented I am, maybe?”

“Can we go upstairs and have sex?” Airika and Mattie ask at the same time. The latter quips, “And Airika owes me a Coke.”

Nyadia shrugs in agreement, “I mean, the contestants are time-frozen. We don’t have anything more pressing to do.”

“But my babies...”

“Good point. Your room in the Hatchery is closer. And Honey might want to join in.”

Tina is still pouting, “Okay. I guess that’s it? Run the final commercial.”

A beautiful blue rose appears on a soft off-white background that appears to be some sort of fabric. Underneath, the words THE HH PRESENTS: SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE – A WEDDING SPECIAL appear. An aerial drone shot fades in, golden hour, sweeping low over turquoise water toward an island that should not exist on any map. Strings swell – lush, a little too lush, the kind of orchestral cue that knows it's selling something.

“Love found him in a hotel that shouldn't exist. Now – it’s throwing him a wedding the multiverse won't forget.”

The camera settles on a torch-lit terrace at dusk, whiskey glasses catching the light. A tall, blue-haired woman stands to give the toast, grin sharp as a blade, and raises her glass straight at the lens. “Buckle up. This is the healthiest inter-season brawl you’ll ever RSVP to.”

Cut to an obstacle course in full swing: a mixed crowd scrambles up a volcanic wall, laughing and shoving, until a huge, broad-shouldered man in a torn shirt, with black horns and a dragon's tail goes flying off the rock face – an impressively well-dressed, equally tall woman with wine-dark hair and dragon's wings catches herself mid-fall and comes up swinging a boulder like it weighs nothing. The whole scene dissolves into a joyful, consequence-free brawl, half a dozen bodies tangled in the dust, everyone grinning.

“Two days. Four parties. Seven brides – give or take a body or two.”

Cut to a bridal shop: a long, unhurried carousel of gowns. A six-armed woman turns sideways to show off a sleeveless cut, laughing at how many sleeves it took to skip. A green-skinned woman twirls in nothing but a veil and a bouquet, utterly at ease. A small woman with cat ears blushes and swats at the willowy blonde beside her, who's just mouthed something across the mirror.

"From the fitting room to the finish line..."

Cut to a scavenger hunt in progress: a striking blue-skinned, green-haired woman flashes a knowing grin at the camera, murmurs a word under her breath, and an exact copy of a tall, broad-shouldered man with brown hair peels away next to her while the real groom – dark-haired, easy smile – slips off in the other direction toward the tree line. The blue-skinned woman looks at the camera. “Rules are for people who don't have a Host as a friend.”

The scene settles into a candlelit spa: steam curling off the pools, low laughter, the soft clink of glasses. A dark-haired woman leans back against the tile, half-listening to a sharp-eyed brunette's dry commentary, completely unbothered.

“The bachelorette side kept it soft.”

Hard cut, sudden and loud: a kitchen, mid-cook-off, as a huge gift box detonates across the room, shooting multicolored dildos everywhere, revealing two outraged women in penguin costumes sitting in the wreckage.

“Soft like a pillow fight with live ammunition.”

The camera slows for a nighttime ribbon ceremony: rows of lanterns, a crowd gathered close under a tree hung with hundreds of tied ribbons. A striking woman – two of her, identical, standing shoulder to shoulder – unfolds one last ribbon with trembling hands. For one unguarded second, both faces break into the same helpless smile.

“And when the sun went down, the real promises came out.”

Cut to a beach bonfire, the two parties merging into one glittering crowd. A quiet, naked, wide-eyed woman with black hair is mid-embrace, crying – actually crying – held up by a dozen other women at once. Across the flames, the dark-haired groom and the doubled bride find each other's eyes and hold there a beat too long.

“Thirteen women. Seven brides. One impossible man. A wedding one year – and a few underworlds – in the making.”

The music swells toward resolution as the camera glides through a flower-strung garden dell, ringed with bridges, catching the first real light of the ceremony day.

“Join us for the vows that could break the world open...”

The image lingers a beat too long on the empty wedding arch. Then, just at the edge of frame, on the far side of the aisle where no guest was ever seated: a granite-faced, obsidian-bearded silhouette, there and gone before the eye can hold it. The strings hitch once, like a needle skipping a groove, before smoothing right back over.

“...and stay, because on this island, ‘til death do us part’ has never once meant what you think it means.”

Final shot: the wedding arch, ribboned in flowers, empty and waiting. A gust of wind – from nowhere – stirs the petals. FADE TO BLACK.

THE WEDDING. NEXT ON THE HAREM HOTEL.

Something old, something new – something coming for the bride.