Spidey Gets Jumped

“And let me guess, you banged them down real good?”

Thankfully, with all the wind rushing past his face as he swung through the city, the phone’s tiny microphone couldn’t hear the sigh that escaped Peter’s lips. Though it certainly picked up his tone, “It’s… it’s not banged down… I regret teaching you my universe’s sex slangs.”

“Oh, come on. You love it, Spider~” Felicia’s voice teased, “You were the one that woke me up to tell me all about your sexcapades. A girl can’t stroke her kitty when she’s-”

“Hey! We agreed, no giving me boners while I’m swinging!”

A satisfied and not helping purr leaked into his ear, “Not my fault you’re such a horny boy~ Now get home! You were away too long with those magic bitches!”

Peter couldn’t help but smile. Felicia had really turned a leaf in this universe, saying her time as a thief was over. Mostly. She did say it with a little smirk, promising not to steal anything big anymore. Peter didn’t exactly want her to steal anything ever, but her skills were unmatched, and he didn’t really want to use sex to stop her from being herself, even if Felciai claimed to already have the ‘perfect treasure’ in him.

He had a great girl waiting for him back home, and while he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get back to his own universe… maybe he could learn to love this place too. Reed had said that he would continue to work on multiversal searching methods (some ‘Council’, a ‘Society’, and a ‘Galacta’?) but if this was where he would be stuck, well the ‘Parker Luck’ could have done a hell of a lot worse.

“Alright, see you so-OOMPH!”

“Peter?!” Yelled Felicia, her voice falling quickly to the streets below.

It had been a while since anyone had tackled him mid-swing. He’d learned to roll completely instinctively now, especially when his Spider-Sense warned him of the incoming rooftop.

The one whomst had collided with his back got propelled off by the impact, both of them tumbling along the floor before Peter jumped back up to land on a nearby Water Tower. He was disorientated, but had done this dance enough times to know how to recover quickly. Glaring down at his assaulter below.

He’d been expecting Eddie or Mac. Whatever this universe’s Venom symbiote had attached to. He wasn’t expecting someone like Beetle to be the one who had managed to get the better of him. The purple and blue dressed villain scrambling to get into an attack pose after being thrown off so easily.

Why had Beetle attacked him? Why wasn’t she in jail? And why hadn’t his Spider-Sense gone off?

“You owe me a new phone, Beetle.” Peter defensively quipped, “Don’t worry, it’s cheap. I know not to go expensive with all the times I’m tackled by maniacs.”

“Fuck me, Spider-Man.”

Peter blinked.

“...is that some new banter I’m not aware of? Usually you work off what I say, like ‘I’ll get you a phone to hell”-”

“RAGH!”

Even if his Spider-Sense didn’t warn him, he could still dodge far quicker than Beetle could lunge. Jumping high off the water tower to the door of the roof below. “Alright, fair enough. I’m not good at bantering with myself, but you have to work with me here!”

“I’ll work with you, Spidey.”

Again with the lack of Spider-Sense. Now he was getting jumped by White Rabbit?!

The animal girl wrapped him up in a full neck hold and leg lock, attaching herself to his back like a monkey, only to rub her tits against his back and whisper sexily in his ear.

“I’ll work you up and down and all around. No part of you won’t be licked or nibbled~”

Peter quickly grabbed the villain on his back and lightly threw her off of him. Overpowering her wasn’t difficult, and her natural reflexes landed her in front of him, showing off the enthused grin on her face. And the large uncovered boobs she was letting hang out.

“Huh-bwuh?”

She quickly cupped them to jiggle them about in his face, “Oh? You like my big rabbit breasts?”

He didn’t get a chance to response-quip her though, as he had to dodge an errant lightning bolt zapping his feet. “Yow!”

“Electro! Don’t zap the merchandise!” Beetle barked.

“This what you girls do now?!” Spidey asked, having to now bend over the swing of an octopus arm. “Getting naked then assaulting poor innocent spiders while they’re swinging -ngh- home?!”

After being deposited on the roof by Lady Ock, Scorpia was next to lunge at him, “Shut up and get your cock out already!”

A spear landed under his armpit after he dodged, “Ana Kravinoff will not let you or your penis escape, Man of Spiders!”

“...this banter is getting strange, gals.” He said, trying to bounce up the wall but was getting thrown by the lack of dodge warnings and bizarre demands, “Why do you even want my, uh, tiny floppy thingaling? I’m just a poor innocent male with no sexual desire at all!”

He could only physically dodge in the sky so many times before he was body tackled by Beetle. Angrily yelling in his face, “Cut the crap! We saw you fucking the Avengers!”

“After getting a boner by MY boobs!” pouted White Rabbit. “That boner was mine!”

Getting dropped from Beetle’s arms, Peter found himself tied in two tentacles before he could blink. Surrounded and threatened by scorpion stingers, spears, and an umbrella.

“We have no clue if you’re a defective clone, a secret alien, a female shapeshifter, or have just been hiding your ability to get erections. But we do know you can’t hide the outline of that thick python in skintight spandex!” said Lady Octopus, using a human hand to cup his genitals and instantly shudder. “Ohh god, it’s real…”

“Don’t hog the hog!”

“I wanna touch it!”

“It kicked! It likes me!”

“LADIES!”

All eyes were on Beetle, tapping her foot in annoyance. “We’ll have plenty of time to milk that huge thing forever back at base. Ana, sedate him.”

Warning lights erupted in his head as soon as the blonde began grinning at him, ‘Oh now you show up Spidey-Sense?!’

The Kravinoff daughter lowered her spear with a nod, grabbing a blow dart and flute instead to start aiming it at his body. Peter only had moments to think of a plan.

“Uh, w-wait! I’m allergic to anaesthesia! If you use that, it could lose my boner forever!”

All eyes were on the trapped man. Some frightened, others heavily sceptical.

“Ana does not wish to use the blowdart anymore.”

“He’s bluffing!” growled Beetle. “...he’s bluffing, right, Doc?”

“While the sedative would naturally lower the heart rate and blood to his crotch. An allergic reaction… without knowing the source of his erection? It is not out of the realm of possibility.”

“Don’t use it!” screamed Scorpia, quickly retreating her tail, “I really want to have sex with him!”

“We all do, stop yelling.”

Electro crossed her arms under her chest, “So we’re just gonna move him like this? He’s obviously gonna get away.”

“I knew we should have hired some more muscle for this…”

“Shut up! We have to share between the six of us already!”

“A-as if…” said Peter, still pulling against the tentacle around his neck.

Beetle angrily pointed at him, “Don’t give me that crap! Not only were you with Danvers and Dyne, but you did it with the fucking She-Hulk! That boner can handle the six of us!”

“If only that were true,” he shrugged through the struggle, “But you see, twas a magical spell that, g-gave me the power of b-boners…”

“Magic?” asked Ana.

“Y-yeah, an awry Dr Strange spell did this to me… and though I was saving it for my true love, this magic only has e-enough juice for one more round of hot steamy sex…”

“...just one?”

There were a few beats of silence on that New York rooftop.

If this was a game of Dungeons and Dragons the girls would all be rolling insight checks on Spidey, then each other, then rolling for initiative…

“He’s LYING!” Beetle tried to scream right as the quickest roller punched Lady Octopus in the face.

“He’s MINE!”

Needless to say, Spidey aced that deception check.

He was able to swing quickly away from the sudden rooftop rumble of sexy villains. Scorpia had her tail pinning down White Rabbit, Ock had her tentacles zapped by Electro who in turn was drop kicked by Anastasia, and Beetle was trying to calm her idiotic horny team down. “HE’S GETTING AWAY!”

“No, I’m not!” He yelled, unable to resist the temptation after so many failed banter moments.

This, unfortunately, meant that the attention did turn back to his rapidly escaping rear.

Being their only true flier, Beetle was the one in hot pursuit. White Rabbit and Ana had the acrobatics feats to leap buildings, Electro could propel herself using her powers, and Lady Ock could use her tentacles.

Leaving Scorpia–being the one to initially throw the first punch anyway–to whine loudly back on the roof. “No! Wait! Come back, Spidey PLEASE! I really want sex!” She said, slamming her tail into the floor before growling and heading down the stairs.

Meanwhile, the Sinister Five were in hot pursuit.

Beetle was making swipes at him, but his reactions were too quick. Always able to make a webline catapult him through a small opening or down an alley before she could get her hands on him. Even the explosives she could throw into the sky around him did nothing to deter his speed.

The others weren’t much help. Electro had made some zaps, Ock had made some swipes, but the only thing any of them were getting was tired.

“Get back here, Man of Spiders! Ana Kravinoff will chase you to the ends of the Earth!”

“You used the boner I gave you on those smelly Avengers! I demand recompense! Look at my bunny boobs again!”

“Just fuck us already!”

“Jesus! Give it up!” Spidey huffed as he webbed the Rabbit, kicked off of Electro, then wrestled with Beetle in the air, “I’m not going to have random sex with villains! I have some standards!”

“Yeah right, asshole! I saw you doing it with those Hero bitches! You don’t have any standards, Spider-Slut!” Beetle growled back at him, trying to stay balanced from his extra weight, “Or should I say… Peter?”

“W-wha-?!”

Even behind her mask, Beetle looked incredibly smug about her reveal, “The gossip magazines had so many exposes about Janet Van Dyne’s three woman date with a certain esteemed model. Not hard to put two and two together when three Avengers with Spider-Man show up to ruin our heist. Now are you going to come quietly, or am I gonna have to start threatening people in your family?”

The two hung in the air briefly, Spider-Man’s eyes narrowing while his teeth grit. Her wrists in his hands as he felt a pulse of anger pool in his head. “...you’d do all this… just for sex?”

“Oh bite me, rope crotch.” She hissed, knowing her universe specific slang wasn’t even accurate, “You don’t know what it’s like to be a girl. To have that… need, eating away at you, every moment of every day. Smushing with girls and plastic can only help so much when you’re bombarded by the screaming primal hunger for dick. To be stretched and bred like a cavewoman, not kissed and squirted on by the wimps of today.”

“That doesn’t excuse threatening my loved ones.”

“Then fuck me, and keep them safe.” She repeated, making sure to keep him high in the clouds away from her teammates, “The others never figured it out, and I won’t tell them if you just throw us all a night of fun. Just one night… hero…?”

“...”

Maybe he could have seen it through, maybe he could have let these poor throbbing villains have a little fun before they were put back in jail.

But Electro saw her chance.

“Beetle’s trying to nab his final fuck!” She yelled, aiming all their attention towards the pair. All the Sinister Six members that had been fighting between themselves, aiming their weapons and letting loose immediately as Electro yelled, “I won’t let you!”

The funny thing about Spider-Sense, is that sometimes it wasn’t even about who was about to hurt him, but who was gonna get hurt near Spidey. Or at least, that’s how he’d rationalised it when Peter knew he was going to jump in the way of a bullet or–in this case–a combined attack of laser blasts, energy spears, and bolts of concentrated lightning aiming for Beetle’s jetpack.

All landing right on Peter as he protected the villain from the attack.

“GYAHHH!” he screamed, the surrounding energy causing a dust cloud to form around the small explosion.

“Spidey!” Beetle yelled, watching helplessly as his body tumbled downwards. Slamming into a rooftop garden before rebounding right off the other side of the building.

She darted towards him, only to get grazed by another shot of lightning right by her flight suit. “I said he’s mine!” Yelled Electro, propelling off the building she stood on towards where Peter had fallen, “I haven’t had any fun since Max croaked! I’m the strongest, so I should get to fuck Spidey! GAH!”

Before she could reach the direction, she was grabbed from behind, “Fool! Today the greatest hunter, Ana Kravinoff, hunts for cock! And she won’t be satisfied with second place!”

“Oh, shut up with your stupid third person bullshit, you dumb bitch! Electro may have just killed him!” Ock hissed.

The five man scuffle had distracted Beetle too long. She cursed herself at being the only one smart enough to at least check the prize they were fighting for was still alive.

Yet when she got to the other side of the building, he was nowhere to be seen.

“...you fucking IDIOTS!” Beetle roared, loading all her weapons into her gauntlets. Her wings fluttering at breakneck speed towards the deathly scuffle, “You’ll all be GREAT showcases for the NEXT Sinister Syndicate for what happens when you INSUBORDINATE TOMBSTONE’S DAUGHTER!”