Amateur Hour at the Dungeon Gates

Descending deeper into the labyrinthine halls of his dungeon, Grashok pondered the peculiar nature of his new additions. The Myconid Sporeling promised to be a valuable ally, its spores offering the potential for fungal barriers, choking clouds, and even a living network of mushrooms that might one day feed his people. However, the Spindle Spawn—his other recent acquisition—remained a mystery.

“Where is that thing?” Grashok rumbled, glancing at the Elder, who shuffled alongside him.

The Goblin Elder scratched his head, his brow furrowed. “No idea, Boss. Ain’t seen it since the day it came in. Sneaky bugger, that one. Probably up to something... somewhere.”

Grashok frowned. A creature as unique as the Spindle Spawn, capable of growing to great strength, had endless potential uses—but only if he could find it. He was about to bark orders for a dungeon-wide search when the Gate Guard’s frantic voice echoed through the corridors once again.

“Big Boss!” the goblin called, his words jumbled with excitement and urgency. “Big Boss, adventurers back!”

Grashok’s crimson eyes narrowed, a slow grin spreading across his face. “Adventurers, you say?”

The Elder muttered, “Them same ones, I bet. The loud ones. Full o’ bluster.”

Without wasting time, Grashok ascended to the dungeon's entrance. As he reached the gate, his suspicions were confirmed. Beyond the threshold stood the same three adventurers who had fumbled their way through the dungeon before, now slightly better equipped but still radiating an aura of amateurish bravado.

The Adventurers Return

ShadowStabz, the wiry rogue, crouched dramatically behind a rock, his mismatched leather armour scuffed from previous encounters.

“Okay, dudes,” he whispered, barely masking his excitement, “this is our redemption arc. We totally own this place now. Just stick to the strat!”

Beside him, the mage, FireBoi69, adjusted his long, flowing robe, which was clearly several sizes too big. His lanky frame nearly disappeared beneath it. “Bruh, you mean the strat where we got wrecked last time? That strat?”

The last member of their group, the warrior xX_BladeGod_Xx, stood imposingly behind them, his comically oversized two-handed sword resting on his shoulder. It was more than twice his height, and he struggled to keep it balanced. “Nah, this time’s different. I grinded out levels last night. I’m, like, way OP now. Trust.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” ShadowStabz snapped. “Let’s go stealth. I’ll scout ahead. You losers just follow my lead.”

The rogue’s attempt at stealth was about as subtle as a goblin marching band. He crept forward, exaggeratedly lifting his feet with each step, only to immediately trip over a loose stone, sending a cascade of pebbles down the path.

From his vantage point atop the gate, Grashok snorted. “This is the best they can do?”

The goblins guarding the gate stifled their laughter as ShadowStabz scrambled to his feet, waving frantically at his companions.

“Bro, what was that?” FireBoi69 called, not bothering to lower his voice.

“Shut up!” ShadowStabz hissed. “I got this!”

Their attempt at sneaking quickly fell apart when the goblins unleashed a volley of warning arrows, none of which landed but succeeded in setting off the adventurers’ panic.

“Yo, they see us!” xX_BladeGod_Xx shouted, hefting his ridiculous sword with both hands. “Time to pop off!”

The trio charged the dungeon’s entrance, their squabbling audible even over the clash of weapons.

“I’ll tank!” xX_BladeGod_Xx yelled, charging headlong into the goblins’ defensive line.

“Bruh, you’re not tanking; you’re just dying,” FireBoi69 retorted, hurling a poorly aimed fireball that scorched a nearby boulder instead of its intended target.

“Dude, heal me!” xX_BladeGod_Xx demanded, chugging a potion while swiping clumsily at the goblins.

“Not my job!” FireBoi69 shot back, lobbing another fireball. This time it skimmed a goblin, though the explosion also knocked ShadowStabz flat on his back.

“Bro, friendly fire! What the heck!” ShadowStabz yelled, scrambling to his feet. He attempted to backstab a goblin but was thwarted by its shield. “This game is so unbalanced!”

Grashok watched with growing amusement. His minions, though low-level, had learned since their last encounter. Shields locked together in the rough beginnings of a Phalanx, their formation clumsy but effective enough to frustrate reckless attacks. Working in tandem with traps and quick strikes, the goblins pressed their advantage, steadily dismantling the trio’s efforts.

A concealed pit trap swallowed xX_BladeGod_Xx whole, leaving only his sword comically sticking out of the ground.

“Yo! What is this garbage?” he yelled from the bottom of the pit.

ShadowStabz attempted to free him, only to be driven back by a couple of goblins with spears and Snippa firing her bow, their practised thrusts and teamwork driving him back whilst giving no openings themselves.

FireBoi69, meanwhile, ran out of mana after a series of wildly inaccurate spells. “I’m out of juice! Somebody cover me!”

“No one cares, FireBoi!” ShadowStabz snapped, still struggling against the spears.

As their last health potion was drained and their supplies dwindled, the adventurers realised the fight was hopeless.

“We need to bail!” ShadowStabz shouted, cutting himself some distance from the spears and arrows with his dagger.

xX_BladeGod_Xx climbed out of the pit with great difficulty, his oversized sword weighing him down. “Fine, but this dungeon is so busted. I’m posting about this on the forums when we’re out.”

“Totally hacked AI,” FireBoi69 agreed, stumbling after them. “No way this is legit.”

The trio turned to flee, but Grashok, anticipating their retreat, had positioned his forces to block their escape. The Hedgewitch, her gnarled staff crackling with energy, stepped into their path.

With a cackle, she unleashed a torrent of shadowy tendrils, ensnaring the adventurers and draining their remaining health. ShadowStabz went down first, his body vanishing into a puff of digital smoke.

“Duuude!” he whined before disappearing entirely.

xX_BladeGod_Xx was next, his massive sword clattering to the ground as he despawned with a groan.

“Bruh, this game is trash!”

FireBoi69, the last to fall, managed one final, defiant fireball before succumbing. “I’m gonna report this dungeon!” he yelled before vanishing in a burst of light.

In their place, the familiar loot sacks appeared, a modest pile of coins and a few items spilling onto the ground.

Fame increased! +261

Defeated a hero +200 (Expanded)

You defeated a level 7 hero! +70

You defeated a level 6 hero! +60

You defeated a level 7 hero! +70

Defended the dungeon +40

Rumours of your realm are spreading! +21

Grashok surveyed the aftermath with satisfaction. The adventurers’ ineptitude had provided his minions with valuable experience, and the loot they left behind would bolster his resources and once again there were no casualties, only scratches, cuts and singe marks.

“Pathetic,” he muttered, turning to the Goblin Elder. “Make sure the Hedgewitch gets her share. She earned it.”

The Elder nodded, scurrying to distribute the spoils.