3rd rock two faced dick

Chapter One: The Request

In the cluttered living room of the Solomon house on Maple Street, the four aliens who had spent the last few years pretending to be a perfectly average American family were doing what they did best: arguing about humanity.

Sally Solomon—tall, statuesque, and currently lounging on the couch in a way that somehow managed to look both elegant and vaguely threatening—threw her hands up in exasperation. “I’m telling you, Dick, being a woman on this planet is exhausting. The heels, the hair, the constant expectation that I should smile at every idiot who holds a door open for me. Three years ago I sent that request to the Big Giant Head. Three years! And what do I get? Nothing. Zilch. Not even a polite ‘denied’ memo from the home planet.”

Dick Solomon, seated in his usual armchair like a king on a thrift-store throne, adjusted his glasses and gave her the patented High Commander stare. “Sally, you knew the risks when we took these bodies. I got the short, balding physics professor. Tommy got the teenager with the attitude problem. Harry got… Harry. You drew the tall, attractive security operative. It could have been worse.”

“Worse?” Sally shot back, her voice rising. “I have to deal with pantyhose, Dick. Pantyhose! And don’t even get me started on the way men look at me. Or the way Don looks at me. It’s like they’re all waiting for me to bake them a pie or cry during a commercial. I specifically requested a male body. Something sturdy. Something that doesn’t require maintenance every time I want to run without jiggling.”

Tommy, sprawled across the recliner with a textbook balanced on his knee, smirked without looking up. “You did fill out the form in purple ink and draw little hearts around the word ‘man.’ Maybe the Big Giant Head thought it was a joke.”

Harry, perched on the arm of the couch and happily eating cereal straight from the box, grinned around a mouthful of Cap’n Crunch. “I like being a man. It’s fun. You get to pee standing up and nobody asks you if you’re ‘on your period’ when you’re just in a bad mood.”

Sally glared at all of them. “I hate this planet. I hate these breasts. I hate this voice. And most of all, I hate waiting for an answer from that oversized celestial bureaucrat who still hasn’t processed my paperwork.”

Dick sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose the way he did when a faculty meeting had gone on too long. “Look, Sally, if the Big Giant Head hasn’t responded by now, it’s probably because he’s busy with more important matters. Like reorganizing the entire Andromeda sector or deciding what color the new invasion fleet should be. We have human lives to maintain. I have a class to teach tomorrow. Mary is expecting me to be… well, me. You have Don. Let’s just—”

A low, resonant hum suddenly filled the room. It wasn’t loud, but it vibrated through the walls, through the floor, through their borrowed bones. The lights flickered once. A single, authoritative voice—deep, booming, and unmistakably the Big Giant Head—echoed inside their heads like a divine intercom.

“Request from operative Sally Solomon, filed three Earth years ago: gender reassignment approved. Transfer initiating. Stand by for body swap.”

Sally’s eyes widened. Dick sat up straighter, mouth opening in protest.

“Wait—” Dick began.

The hum grew louder.

To be continued in Chapter Two…