'Cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it

Morgana felt a little dizzy. She wobbled back and forth as they left the Saltwater Taffy Shop, and her complexion looked a little bit like a waxy piece of taffy itself.

“Are you okay?” Nick asked worriedly. “You ate a LOT of taffy, Morgana…”

“I… urp!” Morgana burped and held her hand over her stomach. “I-I’m fine… I’m not gonna barf or anything!” She swore, shaking her head frantically. “I just, I… I ate… a… a lot of taffy… a lot a lot… so… so… yeah…”

She found a bench on the side of the road and basically collapsed into it. It felt really nice, to finally not be standing and just let her body rest.

Nick sat down next to her awkwardly, not sure what he should say. She looked like she was doing better, at least.

“I guess… I kinda went a little wild in there,” Morgana admitted, blushing. She looked bashfully up at Nick, feeling her heart start to pound in her chest. And it definitely wasn’t a sugar rush or anything like that, no way.

“It’s alright,” Nick laughed. “It was actually really cute, seeing you go after that taffy like that. You were like a kid in a candy store!”

Morgana burst out laughing… and then she froze. Because it was just now sinking in that Nick was exactly correct in his statement. That…

That WAS what she was.

Her face turned ashen and she sunk down into her seat.

“N-Nick…” he voice wavered and she looked painfully up at him. “I…”

“Morgana?” Nick stared at the worrying goth girl, not sure what to say. A second ago she’d just been laughing, but now…

“…I was a child,” she said bitterly. “That’s what you saw in there. Me, just being an immature teenager. First I was trying to be all cool and adult by sticking to a flavor of candy that I don’t even like, and then I lost control and started stuffing my face… I’m just an immature brat, I can’t believe I was doing something like-”

Seeing her starting in on another downward spiral, Nick did the first thing he could think of, an action so uncharacteristic he couldn’t even believe it himself.

He flicked her in the forehead.

“YOW!” Morgana jumped, and recoiled in her seat. She looked questioningly at him. “What was that for?!” She sputtered. It didn’t even actually hurt, but it had caught her so by surprise she didn’t know how to respond properly.

He gave her an awkward shrug. “I’m sorry, but it looked like you were about to freak out,” he apologized. “It was just a little light tap.” Nick immediately felt bad for doing that, but he feared that it was the only option he had that would actually get her attention.

Looking warily at him, Morgana slowly rubbed her forehead, not convinced. “Nick…”

“…I got the idea from how Ella snaps her rubber-band,” he admitted, hanging his head in shame. Just, like, a way to snap you out of it…”

“Well… it didn’t hurt,” Morgana said sheepishly. “You surprised me, more than anything… but why did you do it? Just… to get me to stop?”

He shook his head. “Morgana, you were insulting someone I care about, I had to do something,” he replied.

She stared at him, confused. “What? No I wasn’t! I wasn’t talking about anyone but myse- Oooooooooh…!”

Realizing what Nick was talking about, Morgana’s face turned a sheepish red and she let out an awkward giggle. “I… hehe… weeeelll…”

Nick gave her a small smile. “Morgana, I just told you before, I thought you going wild in the taffy shop was adorable. You weren’t putting on airs or trying to look cool or badass, you were just enjoying yourself. And that’s something I think you could stand to do a little more of, don’t you agree?”

Hearing him say that… Morgana couldn’t help but nod. “Yeah… maybe… maybe you’re right,” she admitted. “I did have fun… but… you don’t think less of me? Or think that I’m some immature little kid for acting like that?”

“Oh, please, are you kidding me?” Nick rolled his eyes. “Have you seen the way some of the other girls around here act sometimes? Imagine Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin in a Baskin Robbins, you think she’s not going to behave the exact same way?”

“…Well, when you put it like that… I guess I’m on the same emotional wavelength as a girl who was raised from birth to be a killer and didn’t really have a childhood, then?” Morgana said sarcastically. “Thanks, Nick, I’m on the same level as someone who’s only just now learning how to read and write… yippee…”

Nick winced. That wasn’t how he’d meant for her to take it. “Um… okay, that came out kind of wrong, I didn’t mean-”

“I know,” Morgana interrupted him with a sigh. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes tiredly. “Look, Nick, maybe… maybe I get what you’re trying to say, alright?” She looked up at him weakly. “And you’re so sweet, really, it’s just…”

Another sigh escaped her lips and she sank down into her seat, her shoulders slumping. She glanced timidly up at him again.

“…I’m the youngest member of your harem,” she said, digging back up one of the issues that they’d already discussed at length.

Nick bristled, not thrilled that they were re-exploring this old topic. He’d hoped that Morgana had moved past her insecurities about this by now.

“Morgana-”

“No, don’t ‘Morgana’ me!” Morgana sprang up in her seat and looked firmly at Nick, shaking her head. “This is serious, Nick, it is! And- and you know it is! This isn’t about us having different hobbies and interests since we’re like ten years apart, this is about maturity! And… the way I was acting just now, it definitely wasn’t that.”

Nick understood the panic Morgana was going through. He didn’t like it though. She was putting way too much stock into this perception of being mature.

“So what, you think I don’t want you in my harem because you enjoyed yourself in a candy store?” Nick asked, grabbing her by the hands and squeezing tightly. “Morgana, I just told you exactly the opposite, didn’t I? I like you, and I don’t care about you lightening up and enjoying yourself, or even you pretending to be a witch! I’m having fun with the girl in front of me! Isn’t… isn’t that enough?”

He wanted it to be enough so badly. Why couldn’t it be enough for her?

Morgana’s lip quivered. She looked at him like she was about to burst into tears.

“I… I want it to be enough, too,” she said, slowly pulling her hands away from him. She hated losing the direct contact, but she couldn’t help it. It felt too hard to be touching him right now. “But… how can it be?” She pleaded with him. “When… when it’s just the two of us, when you’re… when you’re looking at me, like… like you don’t even know where we’re going from here… how can I… how can I feel that you’ll still like me when I behave like such a child?!”

For as long as she could remember, Morgana had hated the childish part of herself. Maybe it was because of her issues with her family, but she’d always wanted to just grow up already and become a cool, mature adult woman. That had manifested in her attachment to the identity of an amazing adult witch, some cool, hot gothy vixen who could seduce the man of her dreams. That had been the guise she’d tried to put on… and it had immediately crumbled.

Things had changed since then. She’d gotten into a relationship with Nick, she’d made very dear friends, and not to mention the changes that had happened to her body!

But deep down inside… she felt like she was still that immature, undeveloped little girl, and that all this was just a guy indulging her fantasies out of pity for her situation.

She hated that she felt that way. But… as much as she wished she could deny her own feelings, her heart was telling her the truth.

“Nick…” Morgana’s voice cracked and she looked sadly up at him, not sure what else to say. “I’m sorry,” she sniveled. “I know… I know I should be trying harder, but…”

“Morgana… you’re doing the best you can,” Nick said, and then did something that even she didn’t expect. He reached up and wiped away the tears in her eyes.

Stunned, Morgana looked at him in wonder. “H-huh?”

“You’re just an 18-year-old girl,” he pointed out gently.

She winced. That was her whole point!

“No, you’re not getting it,” Nick said, shaking his head. “You’re a lovely girl, and you’re very young… I know you see those things as marks against you, Morgana, but the truth is, that doesn’t even occur to me when I’m with you.”

Morgana twisted her mouth in surprise. “It… it d-doesn’t?” She asked, finding that hard to believe. “B-but…”

“When we’re together, I’ll admit, things are a little weird,” Nick said. “But I don’t think it has anything to do with your age. Or even you being immature. I think you’re a woman who is in an awkward place right now, emotionally-speaking. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I would be surprised if you weren’t feeling a little off, given what you have to deal with.”

Morgana blinked a couple of times, not sure what to say.

“I mean, you were brought onto this crazy show,” Nick pointed out, “and put into the harem of, well… your… your favorite author, without any warning.”

Morgana’s face turned red and Nick felt his own face burning, having said something so self-aggrandizing. It was really kind of awkward and uncomfortable to be so forthright with her like that, but what could he do?

“So… I don’t blame you for acting the way you did,” he continued, trying to push through the uncomfortableness. “You were in a weird spot. It could happen to anyone! And you’re enjoying yourself. You’re free to fully be yourself for the first time. So yeah, maybe you go a little overboard, but if you ask me, that’s one of your best qualities.”

Morgana just couldn’t see how he could think that. “But-”

“I’m serious here,” Nick interrupted her. The more Morgana talked, the more she would end up talking herself into some bad emotional directions, and Nick wasn’t about to let her do that. No chance! No, he needed her to understand where he was coming from and why he felt this way.

He needed her to start seeing herself not as someone who was immature, but someone who was in the process of maturing.

And understand that those were two very different things.

“You’re a little younger than the rest of us,” Nick conceded. “But that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t think there’s anything actually wrong with your behavior. Most of the time, anyway. You don’t think I’ve ever wanted to just grab a big trash bag and pile a bunch of candy inside it like it was Halloween and I was a little kid again? That’s a perfectly normal feeling, Morgana, and wanting to do something like that doesn’t make you immature. Alright?”

Morgana swallowed. “It… it doesn’t?” She asked shakily, wishing she could believe what Nick was saying but finding it too good to be true. “But I-”

“No, it doesn’t,” Nick interrupted her again. He shook his head. “And even if it did, Morgana, you’re 18 years old. It’s fine for you to act this way! I know you’re feeling worried because you’re the youngest member of my harem, but you don’t have to overcompensate by trying to act all adult. That stuff really doesn’t matter to me! I genuinely like spending time with you because of who you are, okay?”

He placed his hand over hers again and gave it a gentle squeeze. He really hoped he could get through to her. Morgana was trying so hard… he just wished she would stop doubting herself.

Morgana looked down, and really got a good look at herself. At her old body. She’d tried to hide her “real” self behind a bunch of transformations, tried to make herself out to be this sexy goth girl with a rocking figure, a mountain of fantasies, and no sexual boundaries to speak of, and she’d tried to get Nick to see her that way as well. Tried to get everyone to see her that way.

Unfortunately… it hadn’t gone as well as she’d hoped.

But maybe… maybe that was alright.

Morgana hopped off the bench and stepped forward. She turned around so she was standing over Nick, and clasped her hands behind her back.

“This… this is the real me,” she said quietly, her face burning with shame. “I’m frumpy. My face is covered with acne, my boobs are small and they’re still saggy somehow, my butt is f-flat…”

It hurt, saying these things. Acknowledging these very real facts about the person she used to be, back when she looked like this.

The person who, on the inside, she still was.

Nick wished there was some way he could get her to love her body like this. He certainly didn’t see a problem with it. Not one thing Morgana pointed out was actually a flaw, in his eyes she had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

But at the same time, this was her body. Was he really in a place where he could tell her that her opinion about her own body was wrong?

“Morgan, I think you’re a lovely girl,” he said sincerely, gazing up into her eyes and seeing the blush burn across her face.

“N-no!” She blurted out, shaking her head. She pulled down her hat to shield her face with the brim. “I’m not, I-! I’m… I look like THIS!” She wailed anxiously. Her eyes were pleading desperately with Nick, trying to get him to see that she wasn’t someone deserving of all these kind words.

But Nick didn’t care about any of that, he really didn’t. In his eyes, Morgana… she was just Morgana, and that was all.

“I think you’re wonderful,” he said, standing up and facing her directly. He reached out and pulled her into a hug, which resulted in his chest knocking off her hat. She bristled against his touch but she didn’t pull away. She just sort of stared up at him, petrified by the tense emotions running through her body like an electrical current.

“N-Nick…”

“Morgana, the reason I like you so much is because you’re always being honest and expressing yourself with passion,” Nick informed her. “You can get overwhelmed by your emotions easily, but you wear your heart on your sleeve. The part of our date I enjoyed the most today was when we were at that card shop and you were sharing something important to you with me. Hearing you talk about that game with so much life and fire in your voice, it made me want to get into it myself!”

She looked up at him with wonder in her eyes. “It… it did?” She asked softly, finding that so hard to believe. “Really?”

Nick nodded. “Really. It’s what I like the most about you. How passionate you are about everything in your life.”

Morgana felt her face start to burn. No matter how much she looked down on herself and thought of herself as gross and awkward and not worth loving… Nick just wouldn’t agree with her.

He saw something in her that, for some reason, she just couldn’t see in herself.

How was she supposed to feel about that? How was she supposed to express herself and how she felt, faced with a guy like that, who kept telling her things that she wanted to hear, even when she knew they weren’t true!?

Could… could Morgana…

Could she really believe him?

“So… you really don’t care?” She asked softly, her eyes watering up again as she looked hopefully up at Nick. “You really don’t care that I… that I’m immature? That I’m so childish all the time, that… that I’m… that I’m me?”

“Of course I care that you’re you,” Nick said sincerely, holding her tighter. “You being you is what I like about you, remember?”

Her heart skipped a beat. “Oh, Nick… I…”

There was a stirring feeling in her chest, a stark reminder that maybe Morgana, maybe she wasn’t exactly the same person that she used to be. The old Morgana, she would have probably started gushing, telling Nick how much she loved him and adored him and how happy she felt hearing him say such wonderful things about her.

She still felt that way, of course. Those emotions were still there in her chest, resting, waiting in calm, patient agreement.

But… they weren’t the whole story.

Right now, Morgana could accept what Nick said was the truth, and at the same time, not have to act on it.

She could just…

Let him hold her.

Gently.

Tightly.

Like he was telling her that it was all going to be fine.

More than anything Morgana wanted that. She wanted things to be fine. She wanted to be that cool, mature girl that could let a boy hug her like it was nothing, that could relax and feel his arms around her, feel him comfort her, feel him tell her that everything was going to be okay.

That he loved her. That he wanted to be there for her.

And maybe Nick hadn’t said exactly that just yet. Maybe those three words Morgana so desperately wanted to hear, “I love you!” had not explicitly been said by him just yet.

But… maybe that didn’t matter right now.

Maybe Morgana was just happy that he was here.

That he was holding her.

That he was telling her with his embrace that he wanted her with him, and that he didn’t want her to be anyone else.

Morgana wasn’t sure if she was ready for all of this yet, not really. Even though she’d flung herself into the deep end and entered into a relationship that she might not have been mature enough to handle, a part of her understood that this… it wasn’t something that she was prepared for.

But she was getting there, she felt. If she kept going like this… if she kept doing her best… then maybe… maybe everything would be alright.

She sure hoped so.