Sometimes it genuinely hurts

Level 4 of the Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser is even more complicated – there’s the three-shot sperm that the tutorial warned about, and active components of the environment, and wormholes, and what looks like time dilation. Your eyes are sore, and your arms are cramped again, and you sweep and aim and think and calculate and aim and sweep and aim and sweep and sweep and think and think and check the counter and sweep and aim and sweep and shoot and sweep and aim and sweep

and you notice that some of the bonuses look like clocks – are they for extra time?! – but you miss them because you’re too busy shooting at the sperm, it probably won’t matter, you’re getting close to the end, 12%… 11%… 9%…. 8%… 6%…

and again the game freezes. And again the sad music plays, and again OUT OF TIME appears.

And again, the option to either spend 5000 points (WHICH YOU DO NOT HAVE), or speak one sexual secret aloud.

“I… I don’t have any other sexual secrets!” you admit. “I’ve only ever done anything sexual with two people before tonight, and I’ve already mentioned both of them! I… I’ve looked at porn! I’ve jacked off to camgirls and dirty stories!”

Big red X and a klaxon.

“I’ve jacked off to fantasies about strangers!”

Klaxon.

“I’ve jacked off to fantasies about characters from TV and movies and comics!”

Klaxon.

“I’ve jacked off to fantasies about people who lived near me!”

Klaxon.

“I’ve jacked off to fantasies about people I know from work!”

Klaxon.

“I’ve –”

… oh.

Oh no.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can’t talk about that. You can’t. You absolutely can’t.

You have to.

You shiver.

“When I was thirteen,” you begin carefully, “I had a huge crush on Ms. McGrath, the school librarian. So I made up a lot of excuses to stay in the library after school – extra projects, stuff like that. And one day after school, when I was at one of the work tables, Ms. Liang came into the library, she was one of the art teachers, and Ms. DiStefano, she taught English. And Ms. McGrath took them into her office and they… they didn’t shut the door properly. And then I started hearing noises coming from her office, and I went to look, and… and I’m pretty sure they were fucking. I’m not sure how much I actually saw, but I definitely saw kissing, and I definitely saw a tit, and maybe someone’s ass. And… I was thirteen, and Ms. McGrath was having a threesome like twenty, thirty feet away from me, and… I just started jacking off right there in the school library.

And that’s where the janitor caught me.

And he grabbed me by the arm and he dragged me to the principal’s office, and I got yelled at, and the principal said I was so smart, how could I do something so stupid, and I didn’t want to get Ms. McGrath in trouble so I didn’t say anything, and they called my parents and said they had to come to the school right away and talk about what to do with me, did I need a psychiatrist, were they going to expel me, and… and… and that’s why my parents were on the highway where the semi-trailer hit them.”

You blink the tears from your eyes and continue, your voice trembling.

“I was out of school for two weeks. Tammy couldn’t manage everything by herself so uncle Roger had to come over from England to help out, and when I got back to school, the principal was really nice to me, but Ms. McGrath and Ms. Liang and Ms. DiStefano were gone and I never found out what happened to them. I’ve always been afraid to look them up.

I’ve never said any of this out loud. Ever.”

You desperately hope that secret was sexual enough, otherwise you’ve ripped yourself open emotionally for no reason.

Big green exclamation point, happy little TING! sound, and level 4 reactivates. You sweep, sweep, aim, sweep, right, bonus, left, left, bonus, right, bonus, bonus, sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep, wiping the sperm out of existence or however it works, 4%, 3%, 1%, 0.7%, 0.03%, 0.0028%…

BLOOP!

LEVEL COMPLETE.

Finally, Level 5. Cartoon Molly comes out one last time and swallows her standard 69% of the sperm, and thank god for that, because if you had to play Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser with more than three times as many enemies, you might die.

Stamina booster or no, you’ve been playing this game without letting a single enemy escape for almost three hours, and it’s the middle of the night. And you’ve got an open emotional wound that you can’t even cry about because you have to finish the game.

Okay. Focus, focus, focus. Remember, Tammy took the Plan B because she doesn’t want to be pregnant. You love her. Do this for her.

You can cry afterward.

Level 5 of QSPE has everything all the previous levels did, and more – inconsistent gravity, mirages, **** fields, flashing lights, teleportation. Every time you see a clock-shaped Extra Time bonus you do your best to grab it, you need more time to finish the game.

Stare. Think. Aim. Sweep. Sweep. Aim. Sweep. Think. Aim. Rebound. Think. Aim. Sweep. Sweep. Aim. Sweep. Sweep. Adapt. Sweep. Adapt. Sweep. Adapt. Adapt. Adapt. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.

The music has changed to a new song six times before you start closing in on the end, all those Extra Time bonuses must have been enough.

15%… 12%… 10%… 9%… 7%… 4%… 2%… 1%…

… and the game freezes.

OUT OF TIME.

You feel like you’re going to explode. And you can’t yell. Because people are sleeping.

“I don’t HAVE any more secrets!” you hiss at the Eraser. “I’ve told you EVERYTHING!”

No response.

“Please!” you beg. “I know you’re sapient!” You don’t actually know that, not for sure, but it seems like a pretty safe bet for anything that can judge your secrets like that. You also don’t know if you’d actually be crying if it hadn’t been less than an hour since you were **** to talk about your role in your parents’ deaths, but it has, and you were, so you are.

Nothing – just “5000 Affection Multiplier points or speak 1 sexual secret aloud”, sitting there on the screen. The words feel like they’re staring at you.

Oh god, oh god, oh god. Tears are streaming down your cheeks. Your face is sticky.

You can’t get Tammy pregnant. You can’t. You just can’t. Oh god, oh god, oh god. This could be the end of everything.

Maybe it won’t be so bad? a tiny part of your brain whispers, and you tell it to shut up, you know damn well why it would be.

…

…

…

…

…

This time, the epiphany feels like a punch in the face.

“My sexual secret,” you say very quietly, “is that even though I know it would be such a terrible idea for me to get anyone pregnant at this time in my life, much less Tammy, for so many reasons… even though I went to the trouble of buying the Vast Difference attribute… even though I’ve spent almost four hours playing Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser to make sure it doesn’t happen… even though I know she genuinely doesn’t want it…

… deep down, I think it’d be incredibly hot.

I’ve never even admitted that to myself.

I… I don’t actually want to do it, PLEASE don’t actually do it, I just wish I could… I wish I… I… I want to be able to, to, to breed Tammy, oh god, I want to knock her up, I want it so much, I want to, to, to, I want to breed Molly too, oh god, and, and, and, and I want to breed Penelope, and Sigrid and Eleanor and Sonia and, and, and, and, oh god, every hot girl I’ve ever met, Tessa and Olga and Belinda and Maggie and Shondra and Janine and Ms. McGrath and oh god I even wish I could have bred Mom…”

You trail off, shivering and sniffling.

Big green exclamation point, happy little TING! sound, and level 5 reactivates.

You’ve supplied the Eraser with a secret, and your head is spinning with the idea of all those women naked and pregnant with your babies and all of them loving it, your erection is throbbing and oh god so hot, so hard. You really really really want to stroke it, you NEED to cum, but the Eraser doesn’t have a PAUSE GAME option and, oh god, you paid such a high price with those secrets to get this far, you can’t waste this last chance.

Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. 0.9%. 0.8%. 0.3%. 0.264%. 0.017%. 0.006%. 0.002%. 0.001%.

0.00001%.

BLOOP!

LEVEL COMPLETE.

PREGNANCY AVERTED.

There’s a few seconds of triumphant music as Cartoon Tammy and Cartoon Molly kiss Cartoon You on the cheek, and then the Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser shuts itself off and you drop the phone.

You’re panting. And you’re ACHINGLY horny.

But you’re also really emotionally distraught.

And it’s four in the morning, and Tammy and Molly are asleep. Probably everyone you know is asleep, Top Prospect or not.

With one exception.

Shaking and trembling, you pick up your phone and make the call.