But in my mind I'm havin' a pretty good time with you

Dawn was at a complete loss. She hadn’t expected an outburst like this from Morgana on today of all days. Not when everything had been going so fine! Not when… not when she’d seemed so content and happy for so long!

How did I miss this? Dawn’s mind raced, replaying every moment she and Morgana had shared together like a movie in her mind, shot in slow motion. Just the other night the considerate goth had been concerned about her wellbeing, and now…

No, no matter what angle Dawn analyzed it from, Morgana had seemed completely fine. Nothing about her actions had signaled… had signaled this.

And yet, looking at her now, it was obvious that she wasn’t fine. She must have been holding in her feelings for so long… and I just didn’t see it. What kind of friend am I?

Those thoughts left her paralyzed, her tail quivering behind her and her ears flattening on her skull as she looked anxiously at the other girl and wondered what she could do to reach out to her.

“Morgana!” Holly didn’t spend those precious few seconds thinking things through. She just acted. And that was the difference between the two of them. While Dawn was trying to analyze and pick apart the situation like a problem from a textbook, her fellow brunette was already in motion, rushing to Morgana’s side and laying a comforting hand on her shoulder, while her cherubic features twisted with worry and concern. “Hey, come on, it’s okay! Don’t cry…”

“No!” Morgana blubbered. “It’sh nod ogaaaay! Nigk… Nick… he… he’s so nishe, but I… I’m jusht…! I… uwaaaaahh!”

Her heart felt like it was being ripped to pieces. Morgana had thought she was better than this. She’d thought she was past this. The insecurity. The doubt. The fear that she wasn’t good enough, that nobody really liked her. Why? Because she had friends now? People who cared? Yeah, sure, of course they cared. But they weren’t Nick. They weren’t the boy she had feelings for. Maybe Dawn and Holly and Mary and everyone liked her and wanted to be her friend. Maybe Ella looked up to her and appreciated her support, maybe Rose and Vivian were considerate enough to reach out to her and try to help, maybe Carly and Marley and Dani enjoyed her company due to their hobbies, maybe Amelia thought she was an adequate roommate, maybe Sylvia looked up to her as a big sister, maybe Gina thought she was cool, maybe Kim and even Augmented Synthetic Humanoid Assassin would have wanted to spend more time with her.

She had friends. The friends she’d yearned for, for so, so many of the long and lonely years of awkward teenagerness. And back in those days, when she was alone in her room and bawling her eyes out, writing stories in her mind about having a million friends so she could just laugh at all the mean, pretty girls who looked down on her, she never would have imagined she could have even one person who cared about the real her, let alone this many.

So why was she still crying? Why, when Dawn was looking at her with such a heartbreaking expression, when Holly desperately tried to soothe her, when Rose looked concerned and even Vivian’s cool façade was broken by a stunned expression, did she still feel so worthless and alone?

Morgana knew the answer. She just didn’t want to accept it. Because if she accepted it, if she acknowledged it, then it would be real.

The truth was? Morgana wanted more than just friends. In her wildest delusions she’d dreamed of being “Miss Popular” and of having the respect and adulation of her peers. The childish fantasies of a lonely girl clinging to what she could.

Morgana had grown up a little since then. Ironically, being brought to this fantastical place had brought her crashing back down to earth, by giving her the opportunity to interact with other people in reality, for once.

It had been good for her. These weren’t mindless automatons that bent to her every whim. They were real. A million friends from Morgana’s mind wouldn’t have satisfied her. Not in the way that a single smile from Dawn or a cutting jab from Rose filled the ache that had persisted for so long in her breast.

Even if they weren’t perfect, even if they sometimes made her feel embarrassed or shy or insecure or awkward or even scared… they were real. They were her friends, her real, actual friends.

So why couldn’t that be enough? Why did she have to be so greedy? So selfish? Why couldn’t she be satisfied with what she’d always wanted, for as long as she could remember?

“He… he… he doesn’t like meeeeee…!” Morgana wailed, falling to her knees and grinding her fists into her eyes, as if she could **** her tears back into her skull.

“Who? Nick?” Holly couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Of course he does! Why do you think he doesn’t like you?!”

“That’s crazy talk!” Vivian echoed, nodding sharply. “Of course he likes you, girl! You’re sweet as pudding! You haven’t done a bloody thing to make him upset!”

“He… we… we neber eben talk anymore!” Morgana wailed, shaking and shivering. “I lige hib sho much, bud… he’sh alwaysh with shomeone elshe! Mawy, or-or Kib, or eben… eben Roosssheeee…!”

She cracked open her hands slightly and peeked out at Holly’s face, flushed and twisted with desperation.

Even Holly got a date with him yesterday. They spent the whole morning together! But he didn’t ask me… he didn’t… he didn’t want to be with me…! Maybe Rose was right. Maybe the only thing Morgana was good for was being his sexy goth. A nice, juicy set of (fake) tits and a plump and bouncy (transformed) ass.

When Mary had given her a taste of her delicious milk, she’d been ecstatic. She’d thought that it was the perfect way to appeal to him. And that night… that night had been magical. Morgana couldn’t ever remember having so much fun.

But… that was just it, wasn’t it? That was his ideal. That was Morgana taking on all the qualities she knew Nick would like, the ones that would make her perfect in his eyes. Because she wanted him to want her more than anything.

The fake her. The perfect her.

Would he have fallen for the real her? Would he have been satisfied with that twiggy little girl she’d used to be, locked up in her room, with a couple of mosquito bites and an ass you could fit through a cat door? Would that greasy-haired girl with a pockmarked face like a mountain range of acne even turned his eyes?

She knew the answer to that question. She’d seen it for herself, the first time they’d met. She’d pretended she didn’t. But it had been there the whole time. The way he’d looked at her. The discomfort in his eyes. Sure, maybe the reason he’d been put off was because of how passionate she’d been about him and his work, like she’d been a little put off by Vivian and her horses.

But would he have reacted like that had she been the beauty she was today? When she looked like a pale, gorgeous sex goddess with a body so curvy she bounced when she walked?

Somehow, Morgana really doubted that.

No… if Nick wanted to spend time with her, then he would have made the time. But he had been focusing so much of his attention on the other girls. And poor little Morgana… she was just there to be called when he needed something dark and supple to spice up his sex life.

The intimate touch of a lover? Who was she kidding?

“Morgana…” Dawn trembled and tried not to cry herself. Because all those things Morgana was thinking? All those thoughts she was having about not being good enough, about feeling like she was just there to be a sex object and nothing else? Feeling like Nick didn’t think twice about her, if he thought about her at all?

More of those thoughts than Morgana ever could have realized were pouring into Dawn right now, rushing down the psychic link between them and flooding into her mind. She nearly fell over out of dizziness as he poured over the waves of trauma, and wished more than anything that she could do something to set the poor girl’s heart at ease.

Faced with the maelstrom of Morgana’s heart exposed to her, there was little Dawn could think to do to bring comfort to the sobbing girl in front of her. Even Holly looked shaken.

“That… Morgana, I… I don’t…” Holly stammered, trying to be the compassionate supporter she always was but finding her thoughts in complete conflict with everything Morgana said. She knew Nick wasn’t like that, she knew it, but so much of her thoughts about him were tainted by her own love of him, and she doubted anything she could say would put Morgana at ease.

“…Enough! I’m sick and tired of all this nonsense!”

Rose’s outburst was enough to stem the tide of Morgana’s tears for a moment and she looked up in stunned shock at the fuming face of the blonde.

“R-Rose-!” Dawn fumbled for a response to the other girl’s harsh words, her brain twisting all over itself like her body on a practice mat. But Rose wasn’t even looking at her. Those furious blue eyes were too busy boring holes into Morgana to pay attention to anyone else.

“What, you think you’re the only one here who Nick doesn’t neglect?” Rose snapped, looming over the heartbroken goth with an expression utterly devoid of sympathy. “How self-centered can you get? Not everything is about you, you know!”

“Wh-what!?” Morgana began to shiver and tears welled up in her eyes again. “I… it’s not that… I don’t, I…!”

Her lips quivered and she felt the tears starting up again.

“Hey, uh, that’s a little too much,” Vivian said tensely, stuck in the middle and unsure what to say. No matter where she looked she faced a side that she didn’t know how to help; she was absolutely the worst at conflicts like this one.

Holly, on the other hand.

“ROSE!” Holly fumed, filling her heart swell with righteous anger as her usual bubbly, giddy self was pushed to the side. When was the last time she felt this way? It had been such a long time she hardly remembered. But what she knew was that there was NO way she would let Rose hurt her friend with her biting words. “You take that back right now! Apologize! Morgana has every right to feel the way she does, with how Nick’s been acting, not giving her enough care and consideration, of course she’d feel like he didn’t treasure her!”

“Oh, so it’s Nick’s fault, then?” Rose snapped at the shorter girl, crossing her arms over her chest. “Because it sounds to me like Morgana’s only blaming herself here. So which is it, huh?”

“Huh?” Holly paused, thrown for a moment by the other woman’s words. “What… what are you talking ab-?”

“Well, Morgana’s here throwing a little pity party for herself,” Rose said, waving her hand at the shaken goth. “Going all ‘Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, I’m so lame and unlovable, I’m not some beautiful French starlet who Nick’s head over heels for, I might as well not even exist!’ well, it’s either Morgana’s the one at fault, or it’s Nick, so who’s to blame here, huh?”

“It’s not Morgana’s fault!” Dawn finally found her voice, just in time. She came to her friend’s aid, her face flashing with disdain at the actress. “Morgana’s feelings are sincere! Her heart is in the right place! Why are you trying to blame her!? What’s the matter with you?!”

“Oh, good, so it’s Nick’s fault then, thank you for clearing that up,” Rose said, nodding succinctly. “Great! When he comes back, we’ll give him a good talking to then, agreed!”

“No, it’s not Nick’s fault either!” Holly protested. “Nick’s trying, he really is! He’s just… he’s overwhelmed right now, and it’s hard to make time for everyone! But there’s no way he’d be intentionally neglecting her!”

“Oh! Oh, I see, so it’s nobody’s fault then? Is that it?” Rose rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Give me a break. Someone’s in the wrong here, and if it’s not Nick, then it’s Morgana. Isn’t that right, Morgana? That’s how you feel, right? The only thing Nick likes about you is that body of yours, and how open you are to having sex now. And all that’s stuff from your transformations. That’s why you’re here blubbering about how no one will ever love you? How we’re not good enough for you?”

Morgana whimpered a pained **** from deep in her throat and started shaking all over again. Holly and Dawn were incensed.

“Do NOT blame Morgana!” Dawn exclaimed, her tail jerking up behind her as she practically hissed.

“And it’s not Nick’s fault, either!” Holly screeched at her. “Morgana, she… she feels like that, but… Nick, he-he doesn’t care about what you look like! Just look at me, damn it! Or Dawn!”

“Rose, you don’t know the first thing about how Morgana is feeling right now!” Dawn snapped at her. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel like a complete failure, comparing yourself to the other girls your age? Seeing their bodies grow and change while you remain short and scrawny? Hearing people joke behind your back about how the only men who would ever be interested in you are child predators?! Someone as gorgeous as you!? You don’t know what it’s like to feel like a complete failure of a woman!”

“You’re right about that,” Rose sneered, crinkling her nose and narrowing her eyes into a haughty expression. She reached up and primped her hair. “Can I help it that I inherited maman’s gorgeous looks? Her charming smile, her lovely hair, her elegant figure? Of course not. So I’m sorry I can’t join in on your little pity party. That’s why I’m glad Nick’s such a superficial guy; he’d never even look twice at a flat little cat girl, or a perverted degenerate a foot shorter than him, right? He’s only into buxom beauties like moi.”

“No, he’s not like that!” Holly balled up her hands into fists. “You’re not listening at all, damn it!”

“We know how Nick feels, Rose, and he doesn’t think that way about us at all!” Tears of betrayal and heartache stung Dawn’s eyes. “But sometimes… sometimes you still feel that way… like you aren’t… like you aren’t enough…”

“And that’s how Morgana feels right now?” Rose looked past the two of them, staring down her nose at the trembling goth girl huddling behind two women she was taller than. “Like she’s worthless? Like she isn’t enough?”

“YES!” Dawn and Holly exclaimed at the same time.

Rose leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest again. “…Really. So even though Nick’s been inviting you, Dawn, up to his room more times this round than any other girl, and even though he went to the trouble of taking you, Holly, on a date all morning yesterday, when you’re not even a member of his harem, you two think Morgana’s feelings are perfectly valid? Because if you ask me, it seems pretty damn obvious that Nick doesn’t care about looks in the slightest! Sure, he might have his preferences, but he’s hardly a neutral judge of quality.”

She primped her hair again. “How else can you explain him choosing Mary of all people to be his bride, instead of someone as beautiful as me?”

“Of course he would choose Mary over you,” Holly spat.

“No one’s saying that Nick is some superficial jerk who only cares about a girl’s looks, Rose,” Dawn snapped.

Rose cocked an eyebrow and pointed at Morgana. “Really? Sure sounds like that’s what she’s saying, though.”

Dawn and Holly stared at Rose with their mouths open. Between Dawn’s intellectual brilliance and Holly’s emotional sensitivity the two of them should have been able to form a coherent rebuttable between themselves, but they were momentarily stunned into silence.

Which gave Rose the chance to shove past them and confront Morgana directly.

“Don’t blame Nick for your poor self-esteem,” she sternly rebuked the whimpering girl. “You were overflowing with praise for him, talking about how nice a guy he is, and yet somehow you’re still whining about how he doesn’t really care about you? How he’s just putting up with you because of the good sex? If that’s really how you see him, then you and I have some serious problems here, witch girl, you got that?”

Morgana’s mouth fell open and her eyes widened. She shivered, stunned by Rose’s piercing gaze as if she were staring up at a ferocious lion. The towering woman’s words were like a bludgeon slamming into her skull, pounding her heart into paste.

“N-no…” she stammered out, tears rolling down her cheeks. “That isn’t what I… I didn’t mean it like… I… I just…”

“Then how did you mean it?” Rose demanded, sick and tired of Morgana’s half-hearted excuses and cajoling whines. “You don’t think Nick is a superficial guy who only wants you for sex? Well? I’m asking you a question here!”

Morgana jumped, and started babbling. “N-no! He… he doesn’t, b-but… that doesn’t change the fact that that’s all I’m g-good for, s-so, I mean…”

“Really? Did he say that?”

“No! Of-of course he didn’t…”

“So you just made it up then,” Rose sniffed, shaking her head derisively. “You’re getting all worked up because YOU don’t think you’re good enough for him. Because YOU think that somehow YOU know how Nick feels better than HE does. Well isn’t that arrogant of you? That spellbook of yours give you a mind reading spell you never told us about?”

“Uh… n-no?” Morgana’s head was spinning as she tried to unwind the knot of words Rose was tying her up in. Her eyes rolled in her head as she forgot all about crying, too overwhelmed and confused with what Rose was telling her.

Every word out of the aggressive woman’s mouth felt like a slap in the face. Her cruel, cutting tone made Morgana want to bawl. So why were they making her feel so… not attacked?

“So to be clear, you THINK Nick doesn’t like you, because he hasn’t spent much time with you this week,” Rose clarified, holding up a finger. “And you THINK that means the only thing of value you have to offer him is your body, is that right?”

Morgana stared at Rose’s two fingers, her mind blanking.

“Well?!” Rose’s sharp snap shook her back to her sense. “I’m waiting for an answer here!”

“Y-yes! I mean, no, I mean… what?!” Morgana was a giant ball of bundled-up confusion at this point. She would have said just about anything if it would get Rose to stop badgering her like this.

But her legs weren’t letting her run away.

“Okay, let’s make it simple then,” Rose sneered. “DO you think Nick likes you? Yes or no?”

“Um…” Why couldn’t Morgana answer that? Why wasn’t her mouth making the words that she felt in her heart.

“Of course he likes her!” Holly exclaimed.

“Yeah, it’s just… he’s overwhelmed right now!” Dawn protested. Rose didn’t understand what Morgana was going through at all! It had nothing to do with the reality of the situation, this was tied to how Morgana felt about herself. Even though the truth was that Nick liked her quite a lot, that didn’t help her insecurity!

“I want to hear that from Morgana, not you two,” Rose said, not even looking at them. Her eyes were focused on the shivering goth at her feet. “Do you think Nick likes you? Yes or no?”

“He… he does…” Morgana squeaked out.

“Because he’s a superficial guy who lusts after your body and enjoys having sex with you? Because he thinks that’s all you’re good for?” Rose pressed.

“No!” At the very least, Morgana still had the strength to express that much. “He… he isn’t like that, he’s caring, and sweet, and g-gentle, and…”

“And so, he likes you for who you are, then?” Suddenly, it was Rose who sounded caring and sweet and gentle. The sharpness in her eyes softened immediately as she gazed down at Morgana, who looked back up at her and trembled.

“Uhum… uhh…” Tears welled up in Morgana’s eyes as her heart shook with tension. What should she say here? What could she say? What… why… why did everything Rose was saying suddenly make sense, when it shouldn’t?

“Look, here’s what you’re not getting,” Rose said, getting down on one knee so she could talk to Morgana on her own level. She flicked the brim of her witch hat up to get a better look at the goth’s tearstricken face. “I know you might find it hard to believe that Nick likes you as more than just an obligation. What, you had some really shitty experiences in the past? I’m sure of it, yeah. But come on, an obligation? Really? There’s nothing about you that he could genuinely like? Not one thing?”

Why couldn’t she answer? Why was she so trapped right now? It felt like Rose had tricked her; like she’d **** Morgana into a corner where anything she said was the wrong thing to say, and Morgana couldn’t stand it.

“You think that Nick can have feelings for a bitch who heartlessly makes a sweet girl like you cry, a complete and total awful human being like me, but liking you is out of the question for him? Is that really what you’re telling me right now?”

Rose shook her head at the absurdity of that notion.

“Umaah…”

“You know what I did when I thought Nick couldn’t possibly like me? When I thought the only reason he even talked to me was because the show was obligating him to do it?” Rose asked, her heart stinging as those painful memories of her past mistakes welled up in her chest. “I changed the game. I went after him with everything I had, and I showed him why he should fall for me, I collapse into a heap and start bawling in the middle of the field like some little baby.”

Her words were so cruel. Far crueler than anything Morgana had ever said about herself. And what Morgana hated most of all was how right she sounded!

“I… I’m not… I’m not like you…” Morgana sniffled, her hands trembling as her tears returned. “I’m not pretty… or brave… or confident… or cool… I’m just… that scrawny little girl… I… he would never love that old me…”

“Yeah, probably not,” Rose bluntly agreed, shattering the last vestiges of Morgana’s heart with a sledgehammer.

The goth’s face somehow turned even paler and her mouth dropped open into a shocked “O”.

“…But who cares if he wouldn’t?” Rose continued, shrugging. “You’re not that girl anymore, are you? So maybe Nick wouldn’t have been attracted to your plain body. I think he would have, judging by those two scrawny cases over there,” she pointed out, jutting her thumb at the fuming pair of diminutive brunettes. “Either way it’s a moot point, because you’re not going back to that ever again, right? So take your new curves and flaunt ‘em. That’s what you did at the start, right? And as for the rest of it, this whole ‘Nick doesn’t like the real me’ thing, because he’s been ignoring you all round? Well, you’ve been ignoring him right back, so excuse me if I’m not gonna sympathize.”

Rose stood back up straight and crossed her arms again, looking down at Morgana with sternness of a mother chastising her child. “This is a two-way street here, you know. Nick’s got way too damn much on his plate to deal with right now to do all the heavy lifting. If you want to spend time with him, don’t put all the pressure on him to be the one initiating. ASK HIM YOURSELF. Tell him you want to spend time with him.”

“B-but-!” Didn’t Rose understand how difficult that was?! How scary? Didn’t she understand… didn’t… didn’t she…?

…

Oh… I see. I thought I was being bold and brave, but… I got it completely wrong again, didn’t I?

Girls who were bold and brave did what Rose was saying, and went out and won over men’s hearts themselves. They didn’t hide in their room or practice spells on their lonesome, and hope that the boys would come looking for them.

If Morgana wanted to be with Nick, then she needed to initiate it herself sometimes.

Rose was right. It wasn’t Nick’s fault. And it wasn’t Morgana’s, either. They both shared the blame. Just not in the way Morgana had thought.

“I… I should… be more…” Morgana was still struggling to get her feelings past her lips. But her heart had settled at last. She looked up at Rose and a sigh slipped out, as her shoulders slumped. “…I need to… be me.”

“That’s a good start,” Rose agreed with a nod.

“Even if… Nick doesn’t like me?”

“Are you really afraid of that?” Rose asked her gently.

Morgana swallowed and nodded hesitantly. “Really afraid…”

“So what are you going to do about it, then?” Rose asked her. “Because I wouldn’t let that stop me if I were you. There’s plenty to like, Morgana, so just stop beating yourself up about it. Just go up to Nick and chew him out for ignoring you all round, the guy has it coming.”

Maybe he did, a little bit.

“…And then, when you’ve thoroughly unloaded all your anger, you guys can go on an actual date together, sound like a plan?” Rose finished with a grin. “Show him how much he’s missed out on by spending more time with other girls than with you.”

“D-do you think he’ll really feel that way?” Morgana asked. Her heart swelled with a strange sense of hope, even though she couldn’t believe that Nick would actually treasure her like that. “Even though I’m… I’m me?”

Rose swiftly nodded. “He’s an idiot,” she bluntly replied. “Like I said, he has a great catch like me, but he marries someone like Mary? Please. The only way he’ll properly appreciate you is if you club him over the head and drag him back to-”

“Okay, I think she gets the message!” Dawn hastily pushed herself between the two of them, her face red. She still had an open channel with Morgana, and the goth girl’s thoughts were starting to go in a rather explicit direction.

“Morgana, Nick can love a girl as demented as me,” Holly gently reminded the younger woman, pointing to herself. “And we can’t even properly have sex. If he can love me, then he can definitely love you. You just have to be brave enough to show him your real self.”

Dawn nodded. “What Rose was saying was… crude, and incredibly harsh, but… she wasn’t wrong, either, not about the important things.” Her tone softened and she placed a comforting hand on Morgana’s shoulder. “I think you’ve been using sex in order to get him to like you, because you were afraid of showing him the real you. Would that be fair to say?”

And just like that, the final piece of the puzzle slid into place. Morgana’s eyes widened as she felt the weight of Dawn’s words bear down on her, and she realized just how much she’d presented herself sexually to Nick.

“I… I wanted him to like me so bad…” she murmured, more to herself than to anyone else here. “I thought that if he was weirded out by the real me… then I could make up for that by being sexy for him… that I could show him those parts of myself, and it would be enough, but… but it ended up trapping me…”

In trying to be Nick’s perfect goth sex doll, Morgana had created a self-fulfilling prophecy that had led to her fearing that was all he’d ever want her for. But Rose’s harsh words, and the support of Dawn and Holly, it had helped her realize the crucial thing she’d missed.

She’d been so busy guarding her heart that she’d been too afraid to share it with him. If Nick didn’t love her, it was because she’d never given him the chance.

Tears welled up in Morgana’s eyes, but they came from a completely different place than before. With a sob she threw her arms around Dawn and Holly and hugged them tightly while Rose stood off sheepishly to the side, not sure what to say now.

…And on the sidelines, forgotten by everyone, completely incapable of helping, stood Vivian Carrington, heart stricken with a feeling of uselessness and pity hidden behind a weary smile. As happy as she was for Morgana… it was her own heart that felt twisted and left asunder now as she watched the friends embrace, knowing that she didn’t have any part of that.

“Well… congrats then, Morgana…” she murmured, scratching her head. “Really happy for ya there.”