I never trusted it, I never trusted it

Chloe and Alan were checking the hospital bed while Samuel and Natalia questioned Christian.

“She looks his age.” Samuel looked skeptical.

“So does his grandmother on her side.” Christian looked up. “Hey, aren’t you that chick who slept through that Avengers movie?” She addressed Natalia.

“Among other things.” Natalia nodded.

“I’m Samuel Hollis.” He offered a fist, and she bumped it carefully. “I’m Chloe’s TA in undergrad math, and I’m working on a degree in Computer Science.”

Natalia noticed a note on the floor that had fallen as Alan and Chloe chased after Laurel "Huh," she murmured, picking it up. She read the message aloud: "Frozen rules will work, now. Love, A."

Christian read over Natalia’s shoulder. “What on Earth does that mean?”

Samuel looked thoughtful. “That girl who gained cool ice magic. I watched that with my little sister, and we loved it.”

“Oh yeah, wasn’t that the one about the sisters who the Internet wanted to fuck?” Christian nodded.

“I think we’ve missed the important part. Who on Earth was shipping Anna and Elsa?” Samuel looked troubled.

“Half the internet, probably more lesbians than would have been healthy, a lot of total creeps…” Christian shrugged.

Silence fell upon Samuel and Natalia. After a beat, Natalia approached Alan. Alan had been muttering, half to Chloe and half to his mother, unsure what he was supposed to say. “Is this her typical condition, or has something changed now that she’s here?”

“She looks the same, but it’s not like I know the medical stuff about her condition. They say it’s weird, but she always looks like she’s sleeping.” Alan frowned at the bed..

Natalia looked thoughtfully at the sleeping Laurel. “How long has it been?”

“She’s been like this since I was born.” Alan sighed.

“What, really?” Natalia looked confused. “That would be a persistent vegetative state, not a coma. Comas don’t last that long. How old are you?”

Alan looked up. "Eighteen," he stated. “She must be aging internally.”

“Is she safe right now?” Natalia checked her pocket, and discovered she had no phone. “If she’s been like this that long, she could need a respirator.”

“She doesn’t.” Chloe paused. “Alan, are you comfortable with, well, disclosure?”

Alan rolled his eyes. “Go ahead. It might be important.”

“Witches!” Christian blurted out. Everyone turned to face her.

“You bitch.” Chloe glared before bursting out laughing.

“Chloe’s been planning her explanation since she was eleven,” Alan explained, smiling to himself.

Chloe was clearly excited. "They don't even deny it! Ali, Laurel's mother, looks the same age as Laurel but claims to be in her seventies. Nate, Ali's husband, is the same age as Laurel, and he looks twenty-five. Ali sells occult cures in Roswell, and there are flocks of crows covering the family ranch half the time!"

“Or maybe, the birth certificate is a fake and Ali’s running a social security scam,” Christian suggested. “It’s not like Laurel could say if her sister is impersonating their mother.”

“I think they might’ve gotten fake IDs from a cartel at some point,” Alan shrugged. “I have to admit we are in ‘witches and aliens’ territory after showing up here.”

“Chloe, do you think Laurel’s condition is related to ‘witchcraft’ somehow?” Natalia asked carefully.

“Alan has visited Laurel his whole life, and her condition hasn’t changed. I’ve gone with him since we were twelve, sometimes. Laurel breathes and swallows without a problem, but brain scans show that she is sleeping all the time, not in a cycle.” Chloe explained.

“Would this mean anything to you?” Natalia handed the card to Chloe, who examined it.

Chloe frowned. “Why wait, if curing her is just Alan kissing her awake? It’s been eighteen years.”

“Are you sure Ali wanted her to wake up?” Christian looked suddenly excited.

“Yes!” Chloe snapped. “If she could have fixed this, she would have.”

Samuel looked thoughtful. “If this ‘Ali’ woman was evil, why would she risk Alan breaking the curse by letting him visit? Even if you had to keep her alive, it would have to be cheaper to call her a Jane Doe and say Laurel died.”

“Who says he didn’t?” Christian smiled. “Let’s say he did. We’ve all seen Harry Potter, right? Just pull a Hermione and make him forget. Curse the girl back to sleep after you’ve got Alan out of the room.”

“We could just see if it works.” Chloe glared at Christian.

“She’s my mother.” Alan looked at Chloe.

“Just go for the forehead. It’s what Elsa did.” Samuel suggested.

Alan paused, and Chloe sighed and took Alan’s hand. “Alan, you can do this. You’ve always been brave. This is just being brave about something else.”

Christian scowled at that but kept quiet. Natalia and Samuel continued to be allied in their confusion.

Alan leaned down and kissed Laurel’s forehead.

Laurel’s eyes fluttered open as she steadied herself in the bed.

Before Alan could even speak, she surged up and caught his mouth with hers—firm, practiced, like she’d been waiting for a cue.

Alan jolted back so hard the chair wheels squealed. Heat punched up his neck. His stomach rolled.

“Fuck—” he blurted, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, because his brain had apparently chosen the worst possible reflex.

Laurel blinked at him, pupils huge. “Nathan?” She whispered.”

No one moved.

“I knew it!” Laurel shouted, her fist pumping in the air. “I’m out! I’m out!” She cheered.

The group's stunned silence did nothing to slow Laurel down. "Man, I feel great. How is everyone? Did ‘Working Title’ pick a new name yet?”

“Um, is your name Laurel Walker?” Chloe asked.

“What?” Laurel turned to look at Chloe. “Oh man, is that a new transformation or did we get another contestant? Care to explain?” She turned her attention back to Alan.

“Handle this.” Alan hissed at Chloe and walked toward a wall. Chloe nodded at his back while Natalia followed Alan.

“Please, can you just start from the beginning?” Chloe asked. “We don’t know what you know.”

“What the hell?” Laurel frowned. “They said they wouldn’t pull this shit anymore.” She straightened in bed. “My name is Laurel Walker, age nineteen, and I’ve been a contestant here for about three weeks. Over by the wall is our target, Nathan, a guy I met at an evil summer camp when we were sorted by alphabetical order. He hasn’t taken the **** well.”

Chloe frowned. “I was told that you met Nathan Wayne at a facility for ‘troubled youth’ that burned down.”

Laurel scanned the area. “Wait, isn’t she Padmé?” She gestured at Natalia’s back.

“What do you want?” Alan tried to keep venom out of his voice as he braced himself in a corner. Natalia was a stranger.

“Anyone would be shocked by that. If this is the first time you saw her awake, someone prepared this to hurt you.” Natalia explained. “Your friends know more about the girl on the bed than I do, but we can’t let you self-destruct over this if we’re in danger.”

Alan calmed down as Natalia talked. “You’re good at this. Does acting involve calming a lot of people down?”

“Yeah, but this is a perk of being a mom.” Natalia laughed. “My son’s younger than you are, but living with kids and talking to other moms taught me a lot.”

Alan nodded. “Something really bad is happening. We agree on that, right?”

“The structure rhymes with a reality show. The chairs look like they’re set up for a cast interview. I have dealt with traps that try to get a rise out of me, but this is another level.” Natalia paused. “Did anyone ever tell you that Laurel was cursed or ****?”

“Nate and my grandmother said that she was injured during the delivery. She went into labor after a horse kicked her.” Alan’s voice was distant.

Back with Laurel, the conversation had continued to fail at explanations.

“The President on Earth is George W. Bush, but I don’t think this dimension has a United States. I was working with Ari on casting the Exit Transformation. Nothing after that until Nathan woke me up. Is something wrong?” Laurel was looking annoyed at the looks on the faces of the others.

“Wow.” Christian laughed. “Just, wow.”

“Wait, when did we get twins?” Laurel gawked at Christian. “How long have I been out?”

“That seems to be one of the more significant reasons we are confused right now.” Christian leaned in. “The other is that no one told us we were going to be on a game show.”

“Well, they usually don’t. Sometimes they get volunteers, and the Cruise tried to get informed consent, but that was a clusterfuck because the host was an idiot.” Laurel sighed.

“Alright, so this is what, a game show with magic?” Samuel asked.

Laurel turned away from the others. “Not doing this.”

“Please, can you start from the beginning?” Chloe asked.

“No, nope. Sorry, I’m out. I hacked the stupid curse. I’m not in the season anymore. I’m not working for you bastards.” Laurel addressed empty air. “Tell them about Harem Hotel yourself.”

“Well, that’s terrifying.” Christian deadpanned. “”This is going nowhere, so let’s cut the crap. If you’re Laurel Walker, you’ve been asleep since 2007. This is the year 2025. That’s not Nathan having a breakdown at the wall.”

Laurel was very still before she jumped off the bed. Her hospital gown nearly made her trip, and she ripped it off with a snort and proceeded to the wall, completely naked.

“Yo!” Laurel shouted. “Who are you?” She examined Alan’s hair, grimaced, compared their heights, and swore. “Fuckballs!” She retreated, grabbing her hospital gown and starting to tie it around her waist.

“My name is Alan,” Alan replied.

Laurel froze halfway through her attempt at covering herself.

“What. The. Hell?” She looked up at the ceiling. “Sky! Jack! Ari! Mom! What happened?”

“Laurel!” Samuel snapped. “Just cut this crap. We don’t know jack shit and you are not helping.”

“Well, we might have someone else we could ask.” Chloe pointed back to the wall, where one door remained. “The Godmother”, read the remaining plaque.

Laurel crossed her arms and glared at the plaque. Alan stood away from her, Chloe rubbing his shoulder.

“Was your ‘game show’ at the ‘evil summer camp’ you mentioned?” Samuel asked Laurel.

Laurel kept her eyes on the door. “That was nasty shit, but they were ordinary assholes who thought troubled kids needed beatings and solitary confinement to get better. Harem Hotel is a whole different level of fucked.”

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.” Christian looked relieved for a moment. After a second she realized what she had just learned, and started sweating.

“Alright, you girls aren’t responsible for this.” Laurel looked serious. “Don’t hurt anyone, don’t try to escape, try to seduce the host if she swings that way. That will help, but you can’t get through this without something awful happening.” Laurel looked like she was concentrating.

“Awful, like a curse?” Christian waved at the bed.

“Exactly.” Laurel looked calmer. “ My TFs, um, my transformations, aren’t bad at all. Cowgirl and Octopus. Magic boobjob, lactation, elbow licking, and the ghost thing where people dream my memories. I even spent bonus points to upgrade Cowgirl and I learned horseback riding and some rope tricks. No complaints on my end. The other girls, though. Kaitlyn keeps singing uncontrollably about her real feelings. No one knows Working Title’s real name anymore. Harem Hotel grabbed a shy girl who liked Nathan, and his ex-girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend. The Producers fucked with our heads in every meaning of the term.”

Samuel sat on the floor, closing his eyes. “Why?”

Laurel suddenly blushed. “They’re assholes! Do they need another reason? Sora freaked out when the first challenge was a dinosaur race. She refused to get near the triceratops… I don’t even know how to describe what happened to Sora. Mom ended up in Nathan’s harem as a replacement. She got aged down to match us. She lost some of her memory at the time, but that part got fixed during a scavenger hunt I think might’ve been ripped off from The Magic Treehouse somehow…”

Alan managed to talk, as long as he avoided facing his mother. “It wouldn’t last eighteen years, would it?”

“You know I was Sleeping Beauty. Right?” Laurel sounded soft. “I guess the season ended. I thought…”

“You abandoned them,” Christian added.

“No!” Laurel turned on Christian. “Fuck, I was trying to help! I was going to stay! I’d help with the show, work for them like Sky, instead of fighting my mother for attention. No competition for stupid prizes If I got eliminated. I needed to prove I would stay even if I wasn’t **** by an evil game show!”

“Um, what exactly was your plan?” Samuel asked.

"Screw it." Alan was at the last door before anyone could stop him. He looked scared and angry. Chloe and Natalia both felt a flash of guilt that they forgot about Alan due to the whirlwind of Laurel’s behavior.

A dark shape escaped at high speed after the door opened. Chloe shrieked as she registered the form of the creature, which resembled a snake larger than she was.

Laurel started to shout before she paused. “Why?” She sounded uncertain.

Suddenly, the chairs and contestants began to float, to shouts of alarm. After a few seconds, Ariadne was coiled around a shell-shocked Alan and the other contestants orbited the pair in the flying chairs that had previously been grounded near the center of the room.

“Welcome, my Audience, to a very special season of Harem Hotel.” The snake stroked Laurel’s hair with a tendril that came from her lower jaw. “I am your host, Ariadne Black. As most of you know, this is my family business. You met me and Laurie in Parental Guidance Included. Now I hold the torch. I have agreed to serve as host and contestant, with oversight from another returning guest.”

“No! Ariadne!” Laurel shuddered. “Why?”

“I stole a spell to help you escape. This is punishment.” Ariadne turned to Alan. “No offense.”

“None taken…” Alan blushed as Ariadne’s warm and smooth skin made her presence overwhelming. She smelled human, too. Her eyes were a colourful mix of blue and gold, full of activity and placed like a crocodile’s. Nostrils near the top of her head carried a strong but feminine voice that projected so everyone could hear.

“They can’t make you a contestant!” Laurel snarled. “You’re not even twelve!”

Around them, the other contestants were attempting to respond as they heard and watched the bizarre display, but they had all found themselves entirely silent and held down into the chairs.

“Laurie, it’s been eighteen years for everyone. I’m an adult.” Ariadne’s tendrils flicked out to touch Laurel in her floating chair.

“What even is he?” Laurel pointed at Alan. “It’s not like I was using birth control, but I think I’d have noticed if I started throwing up!”

“Um…” Ariadne’s dark face changed color. “As I said, punishment. Some of the Producers thought it would be funny, so they cooked up Alan in a pod to be the master for a sequel season. He’s definitely your kid in biological terms.”

“Oh hell no!” Laurel glanced at Alan. “He’s the target?”

“Well, I’m not going to make you fuck..” Ariadne muttered.

Laurel kicked the air. “We’ll forget we’re related, or believe we’re Zoroastrian, or just get really drunk. In a few years I’ll have kids with webbed feet. It’s not like you can stop your Dad.”

“You’re forgetting Sarah Liu, among others.” Ariadne sounded patient. “A number of contestants have non-romantic positions in the life of the master, even after the end of the season.”

Laurel looked thoughtful. “I guess there’s a chance.”

Ariadne turned to Alan, continuing to coil around him. “I wish things were different.”

Alan looked extremely focused. “They told me about you.”

“I thought you didn’t know about Harem Hotel?” Ariadne frowned.

“Evil porn Bachelor never came up, but they told me stories about my mom. They said she was friends with a little dragon and they had adventures together. I thought it was just a story, but my mom was never waking up and it helped.” Alan was crying.

“It’s true.” Laurel said. “We trained dinosaurs, we escaped a haunted circus, we visited giant crabs-”

A shoe hit Alan’s shoulder as Chloe had managed to toss one of the ones she had grabbed from Alan using only her feet. She had been aiming for Ariadne.

“Fuck.” Laurel and Ariadne said in unison.

Chloe Parker: -1 VP: Unapproved Fetish Introduction

Everyone winced as they “felt” the words in their brains.

Ariadne frowned and Chloe, Samuel, Natalia, and Christian gained vacant stares and stopped struggling. “This is the most dangerous time for Elimination and rule breaking leading to bad outcomes. I’ll try to be quick.”

Alan looked at the monster girl again—really looked, now that the initial shock was fading. Human chin and mouth, but the skin shifted between fine scales along her underside and soft dark skin across her back. Two tendrils hung from her lower jaw, flexible and expressive. No limbs at all, not even vestigial. Her skull was larger than a human's, solid and heavy, but her eyes—blue and gold, constantly moving—were almost familiar.

She looked like the dragon from his stories, if the dragon had grown up.

“What are you?” Alan asked.

“She inherited a transformation.” Laurel explained. “Her family’s been on the show for a lot longer than I’ve been alive.”

“Hey, being a Crawler’s amazing!” Ariadne sounded indignant. “We can go over the anatomy lesson on our date night.”

“Date night?” Alan asked.

“Well, it’s a dating show.” Ariadne replied smoothly. “Our Audience had to get to know everyone, and those of us who need to make up lost ground really need it.” Ariadne gestured at Chloe before pointing back to herself. “Now it’s time to explain the rules.”