Watching shadows dancing on the ledge

“So how are you feeling?” Nick asked as they left the restaurant. Ella never had finished her burger, or even her milkshake. After letting her stomach sit for a while and not gorging herself at Nick’s request, she eventually felt settled.

Ella rubbed her stomach thoughtfully and bit her lip.

“It feels… strange,” she admitted, brushing shyly at her bangs. Her face burned with embarrassment. “I didn’t eat that much, but I’m not really hungry, either.” Ella wasn’t used to feeling this way after a meal. Maybe once or twice, but most of the time when she was binge-eating, things didn’t go as smoothly as she liked.

Nick smiled at her. “That was a lot of food you ate,” he pointed out. “Heavy food, too. If you pace yourself and take it slow, then you won’t make yourself sick.”

Ella paused for a second, then jerked her head up and down in a nod. “Yeah…” she mumbled thoughtfully. “I guess so…”

Her eyes were moist and a shaky smile touched her lips. She looked reluctantly up at Nick, and he hoped she could finally relax.

A second later, she slipped up.

“…But I still want to eat, though…” Ella churned her fingers against her stomach and grimaced. It was hard to describe the feeling in her gut right now. She knew that she was full, and the thought of eating more food actually made her feel sick. But at the same time, the thought of NOT eating more food made her feel even worse!

It was like her body was trying to play a cruel joke on her or something.

“Maybe… maybe Cinder’s still hungry,” she muttered to herself, shaking her head. She started to spiral as dark thoughts seeped into her mind. “Maybe she isn’t satisfied with just that, and wants to eat some more, maybe-”

“Ella.” Nick didn’t touch her. He didn’t want to startle her. But it seemed that even his words were enough to do that. Ella jumped, her eyes widening as she looked at Nick, and her face went pale. “I- um…”

Still quivering like a leaf, Ella tried not to let her discomfort show. She failed miserably, she knew, but still…

“Thwap!” A snap of her rubber-band was thankfully enough to settle her mind, even if it didn’t settle her stomach.

“…I know,” she muttered, looking down. “It sounds crazy. I get it, okay?”

Ella hated that word. “Crazy.” She hated it because everyone used it all the time to describe perfectly normal issues Ella only wished she could have.

When you were actually crazy? “Crazy” just sounded like people were laughing behind your back, and she hated that.

“Ella, I don’t think it sounds crazy,” Nick said gently. He reached out to cup her shoulder gently, but stopped himself. Ella winced, and her eyes shot to his hand. For a second, he wondered if she actually wanted him to touch her. That moment of hesitation was enough for him to cede the initiative to her, unfortunately.

“Really?” Ella muttered, looking down. “It’s normal to still want to stuff my face like a pig even when I know it’s gonna make me barf?”

Nick winced. There was a lot weighing down this poor girl, he knew, and he had no idea how to help her. Sighing, he retracted his hand and tried to come up with some way to get through to the poor girl in front of him.

“Ella, you have an eating disorder,” he said gently. “It’s not ‘normal’, no, but it’s not… what you were saying. Plenty of people have issues like yours.”

He didn’t mention Kim because it wasn’t his business. That was private. Although he thought it would be amazing if they could support each other through this, it absolutely wasn’t his place to make that decision for them.

Ella looked up at him, and the shadows cast over her face seemed to darken. “Really?” She muttered grimly. “Plenty of people have a split personality that-?”

“That’s not what I mean!” Nick interrupted her before she could fall down that hole. Ella jumped in surprise and looked directly at him now, stunned. Her cheeks reddened.

Nick calmed himself down and lightened his tone. “I’m not talking about… Cinder. This is something completely different.” Ella might not have seen it that way, but Cinder wasn’t the sole source of everything wrong with her. “What you told me about your childhood, it sounds horrible,” he said gently. “Of course you still feel driven to eat compulsively even if you’re already full. It’s because of your trauma. I just wish there was something I could do to help.”

Ella bit her lip. Her eyes watered as she basked in Nick’s kindness. How could he be so sweet to her? How could he say such nice things, after everything she…?

“You really mean it?” She murmured, trembling. “You don’t think I’m some gross pig who can’t stop stuffing her face, even if it makes me sick?”

Nick found the actions gross, absolutely, but he didn’t for a second blame her for it or think less of her because of it. He only wished he could convince Ella that’s how he felt.

“Ella, I want you to stop calling yourself that,” he said as gently as he could. Every time she referred to herself as a pig it made his heart ache. “You’re just a girl who’s suffering from a disease. Your eating disorder isn’t your fault.”

“I-I know it… it isn’t, you told me, but…” Ella couldn’t stop feeling this way. She kept reliving those days no matter how hard she tried to stop it. She kept remembering the mocking laughter of those awful women, her stepmother and stepsisters, the way they degraded and hounded her, calling her such mean, vicious things as she stuffed her face, **** to finish her scant few scraps of food before they changed their minds and took it away from her.

“Look at the little piggy girl!”

“Disgusting little sow.”

“How hideous!”

Ella’s hands began to shake. Her eyes widened and she clutched the sides of her head as she felt it starting.

“No… no!” She wailed, shaking her head violently as she struggled to stave off what was coming. “Not now! Please! We only just started, don’t come out!” She pleaded with Cinder with all her might, but her other half wasn’t listening. She sensed Ella was in trouble and she needed to protect her. Date or no date.

“Ella!” Nick reacted in alarm at Ella’s violent attempt to keep herself from leaving. Before he even knew what was happening his body was already moving and he stepped forward, and wrapped his arms around Ella.

Ella froze completely, her eyes wide behind her bangs. For a moment she was completely serene, perfectly calm as she struggled to process what was happening to herself. It was as if her brain had restarted, shutting down and rebooting in an attempt to understand why she was being hugged and why it felt so good.

Cinder was momentarily forgotten.

“It’s okay,” Nick mumbled, almost as confused as Ella. He kept hugging her even if he didn’t know if he should or not, because it seemed like that was what Ella wanted. She wasn’t freaking out at least, so maybe it had worked to calm her down?

He should let her go. She didn’t say anything about wanting him to hug her; she was in the middle of a mental breakdown for fuck’s sake, and Nick was certain Cinder would be apoplectic right now if she could feel this.

But it seemed to be working. Ella wasn’t shaking, she wasn’t crying, she wasn’t thrashing in an attempt to get away. She was so still and quiet, it was almost like she wasn’t even there.

He tried to keep soothing her. The awkward “It’s okay” from before may have helped; he pushed forward with that. “Don’t worry. I’m right here. It’s fine, you’re going to be fine… I… I’m right here, um…”

What else could he say but half-hearted, nonspecific platitudes? Anything specific had the chance of setting her off again, and bringing Cinder back out. And that was the last thing Nick wanted to deal with right now.

He didn’t stop hugging her until he felt movement from her besides her softly-pounding heart and the slight rise and fall of her chest as she kept breathing.

She started trembling again.

Wincing and concerned, Nick looked down at her, and saw her wide, amber eyes staring back at him from under her bangs. She looked ready to burst into tears.

Immediately Nick moved to let go. His arms were already dropping and he was preparing to step back before a pair of hands suddenly snapped up around him and Ella was suddenly holding him tightly in return.

“No!”

Her grip was a lot stronger than he expected from someone who seemed so small and frail.

Hugged the Master! +1 VP

Nick remained stuck in place. This was the longest he’d ever been in contact with Ella as Ella. Cinder usually took over in situations akin to this one, and he wasn’t sure if he should be glad that she hadn’t yet. It seemed that whatever was going on, Ella didn’t want to let him go.

And she didn’t want to leave yet. Whether it was the date itself, or the hug.

“Don’t let go…” She faintly whispered. He barely heard it, but he still held on, keeping his hands loosely wrapped around her slender back.

Ella craned her head up to look at him again and dug her hands deeper into him, pushing her small body against his.

“It… it helped…”

She looked embarrassed now. She’d hugged him in a fit of desperation when she’d sensed him pulling away, but now she just looked confused. Like she wasn’t sure where they were supposed to go from here.

Nick had no idea himself. So he just stood there and let her keep hugging him, if she thought it would help.

And to Ella’s surprise, it did.

I-I didn’t expect him to hug me so suddenly… I know I said not to treat me like glass, but… a hug? It was so sudden, why did he…? Did he just want to do it? Or did he know somehow that it would help? I-I can’t believe it, but… he did manage to push Cinder back somehow… I didn’t even need my rubber-band, she just… stopped.

But where that problem had been solved, a new one now raised its ugly head.

Nick was still hugging her.

And Ella was just about ready to pass out from the embarrassment of it.

What do I do now?! He’s hugging me! …I’m hugging him! This… I didn’t expect this! Ella’s little foray in the hotel closet had helped her get more comfortable with Nick’s body, but Nick didn’t know that! All he knew was that she had been **** to touch him at all, and often relied on Cinder’s boldness to get her that far.

And she’d just gone and hugged him! Was this the first time Ella had initiated something like this herself!? She didn’t even know, her thoughts were too clustered and jumbled around to fully piece her feelings together!

But she knew she was just about ready to die of embarrassment if she didn’t let go of Nick soon. Even though she really didn’t want to.

Then she felt it. An uncomfortable churning in her stomach. It wasn’t Cinder, but it was a feeling just as familiar, and one that mortified her.

Ella was going to throw up.

Why!? I-I didn’t eat too much! I made sure of it! But she knew it was coming. Even though it felt so good hugging Nick like this, the longer she did it, the more it made her want to vomit.

With a cry she let go of him and pushed with all her might, sending him tumbling backwards. The momentum send her stumbling on her spindly little legs, not expecting to put so much **** into her reaction.

The recoil nearly knocked her over- the bench that had been right behind her was what did it. Her knees bumped into the armrest and she fell back, landing awkwardly on the wood. As her legs kicked wildly in the air and she stared up in horror at the sunny sky, the one thing she was grateful for was that she hadn’t fallen onto the ground and gotten her pretty blue dress dirty.

Nick recovered a lot quicker than the flailing girl. But he was almost as confused as she was. One moment he’d been hugging Ella, and the next he was pushed backwards and had landed on his butt. He looked up and saw her with her legs stuck in the air and the skirt of her sundress bunched up around her thighs, kicking wildly on the bench like some bizarre crab.

“Sorry! S-s-s-sorry!” Ella was wailing, her arms joining her legs in their wild dance. Nick pulled himself up and regarded the other girl with caution, not quite sure what to do.

She’s apologizing, so she’s still Ella, at least. That’s good. Nick had been worried for a second there that the hug had brought Cinder out, but it seemed like just the opposite had happened. It had actually calmed her down somehow.

…Of course the end result hadn’t changed much. But at least between embarrassment from the hug and embarrassment from falling over, any possibility of Cinder taking over had been long forgotten.

“I’m sorry…” Ella was hiding her face in her hands, sitting so low on the bench with her sagging shoulders Nick thought she was going to pass right through it. “I’m so embarrassed…”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Nick said gently, trying to fix the situation however he could. It wasn’t easy. “I-I shouldn’t have hugged you in the first place like that, it must have startled you.”

Ella shook her head, still covering her face. “No,” she mumbled into her palms. “That helped… it made… it made Cinder go away…” She hadn’t even needed her rubber-band.

Nick bit his lip, not sure how to reply to that. He didn’t want to push things by asking Ella why she’d pushed him, but he was worried that if he just kept not addressing the issues they would only get worse. If only Ella could be the one to-

“I-I felt sick to my stomach,” Ella said, cracking her fingers open a little so he could see her watery eyes between them. “When you were hugging me… I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up… I didn’t want to do it in front of you, so…”

It had been a reckless attempt to get away before she did something she never would have lived down. And it backfired completely. She’d still embarrassed herself in front of him with that shameful display on the bench she was now attempting to merge into.

“And how are you feeling now?” Nick asked gently, thinking that was more important than anything else at the moment. If Ella was going to be sick…

Ella paused. She lowered her hands slightly, showing a look of confusion to Nick as she raised her head.

“I… I’m not gonna barf?” She worded it like a question, almost as if she was interrogating her own body. “I… no, I feel fine…”

She rubbed her stomach, which didn’t feel tormented in the slightest. Then she looked up at Nick, shame burning across her face. “I… I just freaked out for nothing, then…”

“No, of course you didn’t,” Nick said adamantly, shaking his head. “You were worried, Ella, you felt sick. That was the right thing to do. You shouldn’t feel guilty you don’t need to throw up now, you should be relieved! I know I’m relieved for you.”

“R-really?” That made Ella feel a little better. She stood up, still feeling a little unsteady on her feet. “Um… sorry I almost… you know. I think it was just… the tension of the moment was getting to me, so I kinda…”

“It’s okay,” Nick assured her. He didn’t want her to think she had to feel awful about what had happened. “Let’s just put it behind us, okay?”

It wasn’t good to ignore Ella’s issues. But trying to deal with them now would go nowhere, he knew that much.

He held out his hand to her, not expecting her to take it, but just as an offering. To show her that he was open to moving forward with the date.

“Are you feeling better now?” He asked gently.

She swallowed and nodded, standing up straight. She rubbed her head, trying to smooth out her hair while at the same time keeping Cinder at bay. “She’s… not coming,” Ella said, trying to sound more confident than she felt. “I’m fine now.”

Ella relished the smile of relief on Nick’s face. Somehow she just knew that the look in his eyes, it wasn’t because he didn’t want to see Cinder, it was for her sake. Ella didn’t want Cinder taking over, and Nick was happy that she was getting what she wanted. But even if Cinder had somehow gained control, he wouldn’t have been disappointed. He would have tried his best to help her, too.

That was what she wanted more than anything.

“You said you had something special planned for today’s date, right?” Nick asked, trying to shift the topic back to having a good time together, while hoping he wasn’t putting too much pressure on the poor girl.

Ella gasped and her eyes widened. “That… that’s right! I… I almost forgot!” Her face burned with shame and she shook her head. “Come on, we have to go to the beach! That’s where Dakota said, um… n-never mind! It’s a surprise!”

A surprise? From Dakota? Nick wasn’t sure how he felt about that. But then, it was actually a surprise from Ella, right? Maybe that’s how he should be thinking about it.

Or maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, because Ella was already tearing down the street. She was running remarkably fast for someone who had just said she was about to vomit.

“Hey, Ella, wait up!” Nick cried, chasing after her. “Where are we going!?”

Ella pulled to a stop and looked back at him, her eyes wide and wild. “Somewhere I always wanted to go!” She said breathlessly, her eyes sparkling with such pure excitement that Nick hardly recognized her for a second. “The zoo!”

Nick stared at her in surprise, not sure what to make of that.

A… a zoo?! Was there even a zoo on this island?!